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Rich Brown - Living My Life Out Loud!
Hello I'm Rich Brown and this is my personal website and blog. I'm just your simple, average, down to earth, professional, out gay man and aspiring circuit boy, living in Phoenix, Arizona with a few things to say while trying to find my place among all the scary, conservative, religious nuts in this sick and twisted world.
Friday, January 26, 2001
Ok -- well last night didn't turn out exactly as I expected. Go figure. You would think that I could actually have a normal night.
At first I was going to go over to my friend Anthony's but because I was stuck working later then expected, he bitched about me coming over so late and blah.. blah.. blah. I understood -- I was trying to get down to his place earlier but as usually I got caught up at work. After talking to him I just decided to head home ...
The rest of the evening was no less exciting. Lets just start off by saying that Justin and I had "the discussion". I guess I should start off by putting back into my journal what I had cut out from the 24th's entry. I didn't want Justin to see this before I got a chance to talk to him but due to some unforeseen circumstances he managed to see it anyway. Here is what I cut out ...
As far as my personal life, Justin and I are still together. We haven't actually seen that much of each other lately because of his trip to Philadelphia and my trip to Phoenix, but the space has given me some time to think about everything and decide what is best for the future. I really like Justin a great deal as a person. I think he's a wonderful guy. But it simply comes down to the fact that I think we would be better as friends then in a relationship. It all comes down to the simple fact of me being happy. I'm not happy and I don't think it would be fair to either Justin or myself to pretend that I am. I don't think that I can commit to being in a relationship with him because when it comes down to it I'm not ready for another one right now. In the beginning I really wanted to take things slow, make new friends and see what happened. I met Justin and he was a great guy. I know I let things move too fast, faster then I was comfortable with. I probably even was a factor in accelerating things. It was really nice to have someone in my life again. Justin is coming over tonight -- I think we need to have a discussion about this because I want to be happy, and I want him to be happy, and I just don't think the way things are right now is going to leave either of us happy. I really need to just focus on meeting some more friends and spending some quality time with them. I'm just not in a position in my life where I'm ready to commit to and have to answer to someone about where I'm going and what I'm doing. That may sound really harsh, but I'm just being honest with myself. Oh well -- I have to end this because I need to get out of here I have so much to do at home.
Well as it happened he called me last night as I was on my way home from work, right before I was going to head to Anthony's. He didn't seem happy. He told me his friend had mentioned to him what he had read on in my Journal from the 24th. It's ironic that his friend read this, as I decided not more then 20 minutes after I posted my journal to remove this paragraph until I had a chance to talk in person to Justin. Needless to say he wasn't very happy. This wasn't the way I wanted things to happen but they were now out in the open so we talked about them. Justin was at work so he couldn't really talk much about it. I told him to call me after work.
At 1am, Justin called. We talked some more and got everything out into the open. As a friend told me earlier -- we don't enter into a relationship with someone with the intention of hurting them -- it just sometimes happens. It's all part of the process. I know it's hard for Justin right now and frankly it's hard for me. I don't want to see him unhappy. But as I know too well, most wounds and pain heal with time. I think Justin and I will leave this as friends. I mean it when I say I really care about him and I want him in my life. It just has to change in what role we play in each others lives. I feel the role of a friend is no less important then that of a lover. Just different priorities and responsibilities. I hope that we can both take something out of this and remain friends.
I have neglected to mention Justin much in my journal. Mostly because I know that he has been reading it and I was afraid to expose my feelings to him either way. I care about Justin a great deal but I just had to be honest with him. I didn't want to hurt him or lead us into a worse situation if this went on any longer without me telling him how I felt. Oh well .. we live, we learn and we move on with our lives. I have no intention of entering into a relationship with anyone at this point. I want some time to just be me and figure out who I am and what I want. I think it's a good time and a good year to figure this out.
Well I don't really have any plans for this weekend. I was going to hopefully meet up with my other friend Anthony to catch up since we haven't seen each other in a while. He needs some cheering up as he has some guy fucking with his head. I hate when people do that. Oh well -- you'll have this I suppose.
I do need to get a few things done around the apartment. I want to get all the dog hair vacuumed up and everything washed that has dog hair left on it. This should be an all day task. I also need to start looking into storage units and apartments. I want to put some of my things into storage so that I can soon move into a cheaper place. I'm dreading moving again. I really want to move somewhere where I can settle down and stay for a while. I desperately need some stability right now. Moving is not what I want to be doing every 6 months of my life. Well see.
I'm looking forward to a good night tonight. I'm going to dinner with friends and then out to Club Asia with them. I told Anthony that I want to get drunk tonight -- so he has to drive me back home afterwards. It's been a while since I've done any drinking -- but tonight seems like a good one to loose my inhibitions.
I guess I should get back to work and get some things done before I leave in an hour. I came across a quote in an article Rob sent me a while back when we were talking about some things. I really found it to be true so with this journal entry -- I'm going to include the quote:
"... However, remember that all relationships involve compromise. Perfection is not the goal. It isn't a requirement that a partner meet all needs of the other, just enough of them. But it does have to be 'enough'..." ~some random therapist
