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Rich Brown - Living My Life Out Loud!
Hello I'm Rich Brown and this is my personal website and blog. I'm just your simple, average, down to earth, professional, out gay man and aspiring circuit boy, living in Phoenix, Arizona with a few things to say while trying to find my place among all the scary, conservative, religious nuts in this sick and twisted world.
Monday, January 08, 2001
Well today was totally an unproductive day for me. I opted to stay and work from home instead of actually go into the office. I did get a few things done work related, but even less done then I really wanted to do. I really have to stop staying up late. I cannot seem to force myself to get out of this terrible sleeping schedule that I've gotten myself into.
Well, I found out first thing this morning via e-mail that D was now stressing about taking the dogs and was now going to be unable to take them. I can't believe that he is going to totally flake on me after he's been making me promise to take care of the dogs until he found a place. I guess I should have just figured to not count on him from the start.
It was strange today. I think the puppies can tell that something is going on. All they could do was look at me with those big puppy dog eyes tonight. Granted this was in between running around the apartment like wild animals, but that is besides the point. If I had a yard and a choice, I wouldn't give them up. It is just in their best interest to go somewhere where they can have a place to run and a better home. I just don't feel that I can commit enough time to them right now. I again knew that when D and I got them, it was probably the wrong decision.
Anyway I had a conversation with one of my best friends in Phoenix today. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that Mark and Andrea will take the dogs. They say they really want to, but it depends on their what their roommate Trisha says tomorrow. I'm hoping that Trisha will do me this favor and let them take the pups. They would be so much better off back in Phoenix with Mark and Andrea. Also I'd at least get to seem them again once and a while. I'll just keep praying for that one.
So I had two interesting conversations today. One with Justin and one with Mark and Andrea this evening. I'll just not discuss the conversation with Justin because I'm not quite sure how to discuss it. I will however, discuss the 2nd one. I can't believe that we were on the phone for almost 2 hours. I absolutely love talking to Mark and Andrea. They are 2 of my very best friends in the world. I miss being able to hang out with them and spend those long nights drinking wine and staying up late just laughing and talking. I don't think you ever really realize how important a friendship is until they tell you they love you and miss you. You know -- friends can come and go, we all go through stages and grow apart, but it is all worth it when you have those few special friends in life that you know will not judge you, will be there for you whenever you need them, and you can feel comfortable enough to say -- "Hey -- I really love you guys -- and I mean it" I haven't really felt that bond with many people since leaving college, so I'm glad that I have Mark and Andrea in my life. They make me laugh, I make them laugh and I miss them dearly.
Again I was thinking about Dad today. Sometimes I find it hard to not get emotional about him. There are small things that trigger these thoughts. I think I will go through this for a while. I'm not really hurting .. I'm just sad and I miss him. That feeling will probably never go away but I'm trying not to be selfish. I know he is not suffering anyone. None the less -- it still does not diminish the fact that he is not here with us now. Oh well ... I miss you Dad! Are you listening to me?
I'm in one of those weird moods again. One of those moods where I'm not sure what I want out of life. Sometimes I feel so certain on where my life is going and what I want. Other times I feel like I'm in a total daze and don't have a clue. I think I'm in that daze again. I mean -- I want to be happy, doesn't everyone? I think this time I am probably keeping myself from being happy. I just seriously need to think about what I'm doing and where I'm going. Ugh .. god I think I really just want to scream out loud. I somehow doubt that will help.
I guess I will discuss Justin at bit here. I sometimes feel really bad for him because I know that he is trying so hard, and I can sometimes just be a total bastard to be with. God knows that I'm a moody one, just ask Rob or D about that. It just goes back to me being in a daze and not knowing what I want. I know that I can not expect someone else to make me happy. I know that for certain. I know that I am the only one that can make myself happy and only when I'm at that point can I be truly ready to fully let someone else into my life. I'm holding back with Justin. I know it. I am staying pretty closed up. Honestly I don't think I'm ready just yet to let someone else back into my life in that way. Especially not emotionally. I thought I was ready until all of this happened with my father. Now I am barely holding everything together as it is, that I don't think I have enough emotional strength to deal with the strains of trying to work on a relationship. I don't know. Who does know. I guess if we did know it all, there would be really no point of any of it would there? No I guess not. Only time will answer these questions.
You know there is one thing that is bothering me. Well it's not really something that's bothering me but something that I wanted to write about but have not yet done so. Something special that I noticed the other day. It was something so subtle that I doubt anyone else even noticed it. Two friends of mine are in a relationship. They haven't been together that long, however them seem to get along great, and they also seem really happy together. I was fortunate enough to be in a situation where I watched something very special happen with them. Myself and a few friends were on the Muni headed back from seeing a movie downtown. It was very crowded and we were all standing in the aisle. These 2 were standing there talking about something. It was not really anything of importance, just small conversation. They both nodded a few times in agreement of each other comments.
Then that is when it happened.
They stopped talking but yet did not look away. They continued to gaze into each others eyes for a long period of time ... and I watched as this was happening. I think they were totally unaware of anything else around them. Their gaze to each other slowly turned to a small simile on the face of each of them. It was amazing to see. It sounds like such a trivial thing, but watching it as an outsider made me realize and see how happy they were to be together at that moment. It was as if nothing had to be said to each other. That the gaze and the smile was enough to tell the other person how much he meant. As the smiles continued, my friend just gracefully put his arm around the waist of the other, and they both turned to see what the rest of the world was doing. I seriously believe that for them, those few brief seconds, time stopped .. and I saw it happen.
Well it's getting late .. I think I better end this here.
