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Rich Brown - Living My Life Out Loud!
Hello I'm Rich Brown and this is my personal website and blog. I'm just your simple, average, down to earth, professional, out gay man and aspiring circuit boy, living in Phoenix, Arizona with a few things to say while trying to find my place among all the scary, conservative, religious nuts in this sick and twisted world.
Wednesday, February 07, 2001
@HOME. Finally a night at home to relax. I'm sitting here with my legs propped on the desk and watching television. I can finally sit here uninterrupted and get caught up with my writing.
I'm a little disappointed that I didn't have more time to write yesterday. I really had much more to write, but so much came up at work that I just couldn't get any time to pursue my thought process. I'm in a different mood tonight so this will probably be a long entry.
The Room in San Francisco
Justin and I went to see house again in Noe Valley where I have decided to move. I have been stressing an unnecessary amount lately because I was afraid that the room was not going to be large enough. Justin wanted to take a look at the place and I wanted to see it again for my own peace of mind. Before I went I decided to measure my current room and match it against the measurements of the new room once I was able to measure it. My current room is about 12' x 14'. After getting to the city and measuring the new room I was surprised to find out they are both about the same size. The new room is around 12' x 13'. There is really only about a foot or so difference in the length between my current room and the new room. This makes me feel a great deal better as I know that I can fit my things into that room. I think if I arrange the room properly I will even have enough room to put my futon in there near the bay window.
After looking at the house again I feel that I am making the right decision. I am very satisfied with the location. It will give me the ability to be near shops, restaurants, and coffee shops -- both straight and gay. I will finally be able to walk to do things. I'm so excited about all of this. Ann Marie is also really great. I'm glad I was able to talk to her again. Justin seemed to think she was really nice and that we would get along well. She has a 7 year old dog. It's a lab mixed with rottie and shepard named Sierra. It will be nice to have a dog around for company. The place is great and It will give me the chance to finally live in the city. This is what I've wanted to do for a while now. I guess I can finally stop stressing now about the housing situation.
Public Storage
I went on Monday and rented a storage facility here in Foster City. I decided to get a 10' x 10' storage unit. I could probably fit everything I need into a 10' x 5' but I didn't want to take the chance and I also want to have enough room to be able to get to things once they are in there. The price was only $20 difference, so I just decided to go with the larger one. By the time I pay rent and storage fee, I'm still saving over $1000/month total so I can't really complain. As I start to get things packed up, I'm gradually going to start taking things over to the unit. Thank god that I have an SUV. I knew I would find a good reason for having it.
Packing My Things
I have gradually started to pack up my apartment. In a way I think this move is good for me because I am finally forced to seriously look at many of the things I've been saving and wonder why I still have them. I have a garage full of items that I haven't touched since I moved here in October. In lieu of moving these things over and over, I'm going to go through them this weekend to see what I can do without. I think if I start packing everything now -- this move will be relatively easy when it gets to the end of the month. I wish that I didn't have to do the move in one day -- but hopefully I will have everything I'm not taking with me into storage before the end of the month. This will give me an idea of what it will take to get everything over to the new place. I'm probably going to have to rent a small UHaul truck to get everything over there. I don't think I'll be able to fit my bed into the SUV.
Justin and I
So once again Justin and I spent time together last night. We went to see the house first. As I said before, Justin really liked it. He was very encouraging of me to take it. Following this we went out to dinner to Fuzio, my favorite pasta restaurant on Castro. Dinner was really good and we even had dessert. After dinner we wandered around town a bit and then ended up at Tower again. I hate going into that place because I always find some movie or cd to spend money on. Ever since I bought my DVD player I really hate to buy VHS tapes, but some movies just do not come on DVD. I decided to purchase Maurice and the Joy Luck Club. These are two movies that I've wanted and have not been able to find anywhere else. I was happy to find them at Tower. I also found the Cream Anthems 2000 cd upstairs. Since I just bought the 2001 edition the other day -- the 2000 edition was the only one I was missing. I have the entire set from 1997. It's a compilation dance / trance import from London. There is always cutting edge music on these cd's. Someone back in Phoenix first introduced me to Cream Anthems back when I seriously started to go out to the dance clubs.
Anyway -- back to Justin and I. After our trek to the city we came back to my place where we always end up. We decided to watch the Cell. I had bought this move a while ago, but had not watched it. It was a seriously disturbing movie. I don't know if I would watch it again or not. We both were having a hard time staying awake for the movie but managed to see the entire movie. Following the movie we turned in for the night.
I think I've finally hit the point where I really don't want to hear anyone's opinion regarding my relationship with Justin. We get along great, I love spending time with him, and I feel closer to him then any of my other friends. Justin and I share a unique relationship and I have decided that if I want to spend time with him -- I'm going to. We both seem to have fun and enjoy our time together, so what does it matter to anyone else what our status is anyway. As long as we are both adults and agree to spending time together, and we both enjoy it -- then that should be enough.
I mentioned the other day in my Journal about someone asking me if they could "move in for the kill" with Justin. I've really been thinking about this and it bothers me that this person could be so rude, course and insensitive. I do not consider this person a friend and I'm slightly irritated over the whole thing to begin with. When I talked to Justin about it, surprisingly he had an idea of who it was already. I guess this person has been showing up at Justin's work lately. I can't believe how some people act. In the grand scheme of things I suppose these are the events that make life interesting.
Friendship
Among all of the other things on my mind lately, another one has been that of friendship. I just don't know where I stand with friends. I think right now in San Francisco, Justin is the closest friend that I have. I really feel like I can talk to him and he listens. Sometimes he doesn't even say anything -- but just the fact that he listens is enough. I guess what is bothering me about the friendship issue is that I do not feel as if I have made any really strong bonds with anyone here. Sure I have a great deal of people whom I would call my friends, but they are all merely social friends. We get together, hang out, have fun and do things socially. Almost always in a group. There is never really much one on one interaction between my group of friends. I don't feel as if I have people in my life that I can count on or just sit and talk to about anything.
When I was in Phoenix I had a circle of friends that were very close. We used to be able to sit for hours and just talk about things. About life. Maybe even about nothing in particular. It was just enough for us to spend time together. We could enjoy each other on a level above surface interaction and discussion. There was a bond there. I knew that I could count on these people. We all knew we could discuss anything with each other and none would judge or criticize. If any of us ever needed anything our group would never turn a deaf ear but rather ask how they could help. That relationship with these friends still exists for me, however being so far away it's hard to experience the strong bond that we all had. This what I am missing in my life.
What I guess is bothering me is that I don't know if this type of friendship is normal or rare. I don't seem to be able to form this type of both with anyone other then Justin here in San Francisco. It always seems as if people here have to be doing something. It can never be anything as simple as going to someone's house and just conversing, but rather has to be something on the grand scale such as dinner, movies, dancing. All in the same evening. It's a great group of people that I hang out with here -- but there is just a lack of personal relationships that I so desire from a circle of friends. I have decided to take a little break from everyone. I need some time to decided how I want to approach this. I don't know if I should just accept things as they are or move on with my life. I guess time will tell for now. I certainly don't want to think I just hang out with these people just to tide me over until I find something better .. but more and more it feels that way. In a way this isn't leading to me being any happier. I think I am going to start focusing more on myself and doing the things I want to do rather then doing a group activity just for something to do.
Changes in My Life
Now that I have decided to move into the city, I have also decided it would be a good time to make some other changes in my life. I've been writing on a regular basis and I'm proud of that fact. It is something that every year I say I'm going to start doing, but now I've finally been keeping up with it. As for the other changes -- I really want to start reading more again. I have so many books unfinished and unread. I really enjoy reading and once I move I'm going to start taking more time to myself to sit and read rather then wasting my time with other pointless activities such as internet chat or television. Another change that I'm going to make is my level of physical activity. Just the fact of moving to the city will increase my activity level by allowing me to walk more to do the things I enjoy. I also want to start on a workout routine so that I can get my body back into good shape. I don't feel that I'm in bad shape now, but I do know that I could stand to lose a few pounds, increase some muscle mass, and get some definition. I want to be one of those 30-something year olds that is still turning the heads of the crowd. I think I have the potential for a really great body if I would just work at it a bit harder.
So in other words I guess what I'm saying is that once I move I'm going to take more time for myself. I think of everything I've learned recently it's that I need more of this. I owe it to me to enjoy life and do what is going to make me happy. Since the current course of activities does not seem to be doing that -- I'm going to try a different approach and focus on me and see where that takes me. I'm looking forward to moving and getting motivated to do more things.
The Mindless Internet
When I'm single I always seem to go through this Internet phase. I chat on the Internet, I read through the personal ad's and I even post personal ads. This usually continues until I get bored with it, or I end up in a relationship with someone. Once that occurs -- I tend to not involve myself in these things. I think it is going to end more quickly this time because my tolerance and patience is lower then it has been in a long time.
First let me discuss internet chat. I really find Internet chat such as IRC or Gay.com to be a waste of my time anymore. It is always the same conversations. It is always the same people looking for sex. It is always the same mindless chatter. When was the last time someone has actually had a truly meaningful and though provoking conversation in a chatroom. Usually it is simply chatter about nothing in particular and a way for people to waste time. I'm trying to avoid wasting my time anymore with this. I feel that I just get frustrated and feel even worse when I leave the chat room. People are rude, boring and have no manners online. I find that contact with people through a long and well thought out email can be much more fulfilling then the non-personal chat rooms.
Next are the personal ads. I have looked through these ads, and even placed them in the past. I've found some interesting people and received many interesting responses, but in general I'm not sure this is a productive way to meet people. There has to be a better way to meet other people with whom you have things in common. I did meet both D and Justin from personal ads and I'm grateful for having the opportunity to meet them, but maybe I was just lucky in that aspect. I think when people place a personal ad they have the tendency to over inflate their image and themselves in general. I can't understand why people don't want to be honest about themselves and who they are. Do people actually think it is ok to say things that aren't true? Do people believe that if they meet someone they are interested in based on a lie, that the person they meet will overlook the fact that the poster was not completely honest in the personal ad? I just can't understand this mindset. For this reason I find myself thinking it is a waste of time to scan through the personal ads.
I actually has someone ask me once why I was looking through the personal ads and why I would ever place a personal ad. Their exact words were ".. you are very attractive and such a nice guy to be so desperate as to use the personals ..." Now I know this is just one persons opinion -- but you know when you hear things like this over and over it becomes hard to ignore after a while.
Maybe I'm totally wrong about the personal ads and will change my opinion on this -- but at this very minutes I seem to have the mindset of them being a waste of my time.
For Now ...
Well I've been writing for a while now. I think it's time to take a break from the computer and watch some TV before I get to bed. I'll write more tomorrow. It should be an interesting day.
