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Rich Brown - Living My Life Out Loud!
Hello I'm Rich Brown and this is my personal website and blog. I'm just your simple, average, down to earth, professional, out gay man and aspiring circuit boy, living in Phoenix, Arizona with a few things to say while trying to find my place among all the scary, conservative, religious nuts in this sick and twisted world.
Monday, February 05, 2001
@WORK. Wow -- I've really slipped this time. It's been almost a whole week. What a hectic week at that. I cannot believe that it is February -- how time flies.
Everything has been going pretty well in my life. My weekend was rather uneventful except for the speeding ticket I received on Thursday afternoon and the bad haircut I received on Friday night. My weekend consisted of the following: Friday night I went to the Castro, got a bad haircut, walked around for a while, had some soup, had some coffee, puked out back of Café Flores due to either the soup or the coffee, and then went home and relaxed. On Saturday night Justin came down, and him, Anthony, Bryan, Robbie and I ended up going out to TD's in Santa Clara and dancing. It was interesting, but regardless we had a good time. My friend Peter came into town from LA on Sunday and he went with me to my friend Emery's 30th birthday party. Most of my other friends were at the party, so it was nice to be able to spend some time talking to everyone. So that was about it, a pretty close to normal weekend. I really wanted to start packing some things, but as usual I didn’t even get started.
So -- now the real dilemma in my life... Housing. It always seems to come back to this. I think that if I would just find something affordable I would feel much better about living in the Bay area. I did get a phone call last week from Ann Marie and she offered me the room in Noe Valley. I told her that I was interested and I would take it, but I'm still at this point unsure of my decision.
I feel at this point in my life I would be taking a step back by just moving into a “room”. I would technically be sharing this house with Ann Marie, but the point still remains that she is moved in, and already has all of her things in the house. I would be merely moving into the room with shared use of all the rest of the facilities. This means I would have to get a storage unit and put most of my things into storage. I’m starting to think this is a bad decision on my part. I really like the location, I like the fact that the room is ½ of what I’m paying for my current apartment, but what am I gaining? This is what has been going through my head all weekend long, as I look around my apartment and try and decide what I can and cannot take with me. The list of cannot take is getting much larger then I believe I would like it to be. I’m not sure I’m happy with that. My friend Hope was over the other day and we were talking about the housing situation. I was explaining to her about having to put things into storage and not really having a lot of room. She said something that really got to me. She said “it’s terrible that you have to put these things, the small things that make you happy, into storage and not have them with you.” She was right and it really hit a nerve that triggered much of this feeling. I’m so used to having my own apartment. Having my own things. I don’t think I’m going to be happy with having to move in somewhere that I cannot have these things with me. It’s the small things that matter. The things that make me happy to look at every day. Something as simple as the beer steins my father gave me that he got when he was in Germany while in the Navy. These mugs which sit on my living room shelf next to the matching beer steins that I picked up while I was in Germany. These things are just a small example of the small things.
With all of this comes the thought that maybe I would be better off moving back to Phoenix. I cannot help to think how much better I was doing there. I was even making more money there then I am making here in the Bay area, and the cost of living is nowhere near the cost of what it is here. The glorious stock options that we all are working for with the dot-com’s are a sure way to get everyone to take a lower salary, but they are also not paying off like they used to be. I ask myself again – is it all worth it? Should I reconsider my decision to move here?
So I sit here as I write this and think about the decisions I have ahead of me. I think I really need look at the long term and decide what is really going to make me happy.
I did get a chance to spend some more time with Justin this weekend. On Thursday night we met up and I showed him the location of the house in Noe Valley. We parked and walked down to the Castro from there. I wanted to see how much of a walk it was from everything. I was impressed that it was really only 3-4 blocks from Castro. We ended up having dinner and just walking around the Castro for a bit and then going home. I called him on Saturday and asked if he wanted to come down after work. I didn’t really plan on doing anything and I thought maybe we could stay in and watch a movie or something. Anthony called just before Justin arrived at my place to see what I was doing. I told him to let us know if he was going to do anything, so that is how and why we ended up going to TD’s and not getting back home until almost 4am. It was fun regardless.
I enjoy spending time with Justin but I’m afraid that all this time together is not fair to him. It’s like as if nothing has changed between us since I told him how I felt. I did say that I felt more comfortable around him, but I don’t know if that is because I don’t feel the pressure of a “relationship” or not. I know that I can distance myself enough to be friends with him and hangout as friends. I sometimes think that I’m leading him on to some degree. I don’t know what is going on in his mind. I don’t know what he is thinking and I don’t want him to think that things are going to continue on as if we are together when we clearly are not. I think given the fact that we are spending so much time together still, neither one of us has had our space or time to adjust to the fact that we are not dating anymore. I’m wondering if I should distance myself somewhat from him to give us both the space that we need to move on with our lives.
I’ve had several people comment on my situation with Justin. They most commonly ask, “what is up with you two anyway?” and “are you guys still sleeping together?” I’m so tired of both of these questions. I really don’t think that either is anyone’s business, but everyone seems interested as to the answers. I even had someone that I know ask me if we were still together because he wanted to make a move on Justin. I’m like “why are you telling me this?” God some people are just vultures. Ugh. I could just scream sometimes. Anyway it seems that everyone who wants to get involved in my life keeps telling me that I need to give him space and not talk to him so much, and not see him so much. I was told to limit our activity together to mostly group events, and not spend one on one time with. I was also told that I shouldn’t have him stay at my place anymore, even though all we do is sleep there. I don’t know what to do. It’s funny that you always seem to get advice from people when you don’t ask for it.
As far as Justin is concerned – I don’t see the problem with us being friends and hanging out. I enjoy spending time with him, I enjoy talking to him, and I enjoy his company. I just don’t want him to get hurt in the end. I asked him the other day that if I started dating someone, how would he feel. His answer was “hurt.” I can understand that – but it is something that we will both have to deal with at some point or another. Again – I guess that I have some serious thinking about what is going to make me happy.
Oh well – it’s always something new with me. I really just want to settle down for a while and make a home somewhere. I’m not sure where or how to do this. Hopefully I will decide where my future lies before I have to be out of my apartment on March 1. I’m trying not to stress out about all this … but sometimes it can all just be a little bit overwhelming.
Anyway – I need to get back to work …
