<%@ Register TagPrefix="uc1" TagName="blog_toplinks" Src="/blog_toplinks.ascx" %>
<%@ Register TagPrefix="uc1" TagName="blog_footer" Src="/blog_footer.ascx" %>
Rich Brown - Living My Life Out Loud!
Hello I'm Rich Brown and this is my personal website and blog. I'm just your simple, average, down to earth, professional, out gay man and aspiring circuit boy, living in Phoenix, Arizona with a few things to say while trying to find my place among all the scary, conservative, religious nuts in this sick and twisted world.
Thursday, June 28, 2001
@ Work
Life and it's meaning ...
As I get older I think I find myself becoming more in tune with life and the way things work. Maybe I'm just starting to question less and just accept things for the way they are. I am especially finding this true when it comes to my spirituality and thoughts about a "higher power".
When I was younger I just blindly accepted what my parents and the Catholic church taught me was true about religion. I didn't question, because when you're a child you just accept these things as truth. As I started to get older and develop more of a scientific thinking process, I started to question why I was to believe in such things, without a shred of proof. I began to question my entire belief structure and I wanted the answers that no one could give me. This eventually let to me formulating my own definition of religion, spirituality, and God. I think this is a natural process of an individual growing and experiencing life.
At this point in my life I'm not sure how I feel about all this. In some ways I find myself questioning less and once again just accepting things for the way they are. I believe it is this way because I've had the opportunity to grow and develop my own ideas and thoughts. I think it is so important for someone to go through this thought process because only after questioning your own beliefs, faith and spirituality and coming to your own conclusions about what religion means to you, can you feel comfortable about life and what it truly means to you.
I bring all this up because I have found that over the past several years I really believe that everything happens for a reason. Even though there is sometimes no possible explanation for events that occur, somehow there is a purpose for that event to happen.
I spoke with my Mother yesterday and she had just gone up to the Hospital with my Aunt to visit my Grandmother who had become ill recently. Because of things that I cannot possibly explain right now, my Mother and Grandmother had not really spoken to each other in several years. It was a very tense situation for our family, but something that we had all come to accept and understand. Well anyway, my Mom told me they went up to visit and my Grandmother was her same old self. Meaning that she just sat there and didn't really have anything to say. You see over the past several years my Grandmother really became pretty withdrawn and didn't want to talk to anyone, family or friends. She kept to herself and just went about her solitary life. Mom said that I wouldn't have even recognized her since her hair had gotten really long and she was very thin. Anyway they spent some time at the hospital with her and came home later in the evening. I know that my Mother, coming from the traditional Slovak family, has always had a difficult time with the rift between her and my Grandmother. I believe now that It was good for both of them to at least see each other yesterday and I know now there was a reason that my Mother was drawn to go there after all these years.
This afternoon I received an emotional phone call from my Mother telling me that my Grandmother had just passed away. I can't imagine what my Mom is feeling right now, having lost her husband just in December and now her mother today. Although they had their differences all these years I know that my Mom still had a deep love for my Grandmother and would pray for her everyday. I wish I could give my Mother some comfort from all the pain she must be experiencing.
A reason for everything?
All this really leads me back to what I was saying earlier. I think everything happens for a reason and everything is somehow tied back to some higher power. What would have prompted my Mother to go and visit my Grandmother yesterday after all this time? My Aunt told my Mother that she thought my Grandmother was just holding on until she could see my Mom, the first and oldest of her children, one final time before she was ready to let go. I believe this. I believe that in the same aspect, there was a reason my Father's Mother was able to spend the day with him before he died. I believe there was a reason I called my Father that evening just hours before he would die to tell him that I loved him. I don't know why these things happen but I truly believe that there is a driving force in life that we all follow and helps us through life.
One way or another, no matter what we believe, there has to be some feeling that a higher power does exist and there is something more to all of this then we could ever imagine. Fate and coincidence are a possibility but after what I've been seeing and experiencing in my life over the past few years I wouldn't just write it off to that.
