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Rich Brown - Living My Life Out Loud!
Hello I'm Rich Brown and this is my personal website and blog. I'm just your simple, average, down to earth, professional, out gay man and aspiring circuit boy, living in Phoenix, Arizona with a few things to say while trying to find my place among all the scary, conservative, religious nuts in this sick and twisted world.
Monday, July 23, 2001
@ Work
I'm a bit tired today. I wish that I would have gone to bed earlier last night. I fell asleep earlier in the evening, but it was more for just a short nap. I got up and Justin and I ended up watching Waiting to Exhale before bed.
I really like that movie, but whenever I watch it I get really homesick for Phoenix. I like watching it to catch a glimpse of the familiar things I knew of Phoenix. So as I sit here writing this I find myself again thinking about Phoenix. Oh well -- old habits die hard I guess.
The Weekend
It was once again a pretty mild weekend. Since some of us are trying to conserver money, we found ourselves . Friday night was just Steven, Bee, Philip, Justin and I hanging out at my place with some pizza, playing Monopoly and watching the Sex and the City DVD.
On Saturday I was able to get most of my laundry done and a little bit of my room cleaned up. I think it will take me another week or two before I finally get everything into place. Saturday night started out with Steven, Bee, Philip and I having dinner and then heading over to a party hosted by one of Steven's friends. We stayed for a while and socialized, but mostly spent time conversing between ourselves. I'm sure as well all sit on the couch touching and rubbing each other everyone once again would wonder who was actually with who. I think we always give the appearance of a "pan-sexual" type of group. Later that night Justin got in my car and just went somewhere to park and talk. The context of the conversation I don't really want to detail in this entry, but it helped me to deal with my thoughts and feelings and although I never wanted to hurt Justin, I had to make him aware of where I stand with our relationship. Enough said about that.
Sunday found Justin, Steven, Philip and I meeting for coffee at Jumpin Java. We didn't hear back from Bee, so I guess maybe he just needed some space from us. Sometimes I think hanging out with all of us all of the time can be a bit overwhelming for most people. We are quite a dynamic group of guys and from our friendship comes many feeling and emotions. I think many people deal with these differently and even thought it seems we've know each other for a long time, I think it will take some time to really learn each others personalities and boundaries. From coffee we headed down to Union Square to just walk around a bit and do some widow shopping. I had a gift card that I won at the work Christmas party, so I was able to stop off and Nordstrom's and pick up some new cologne. We all parted ways early and Justin and I ended up back at my place to make some pasta for dinner. It was a nice casual evening.
This Week
I'm not sure how things are going to be for me this week. We are in the process of releasing the latest version of my software, so depending on how things go, I could be busy or slow. I'm not really that busy today because my piece in currently in testing and no problems have been found, which is always a great feeling.
I want to maybe go to the gym for a little bit of cardio workout tonight and then maybe get some more things put away in my room. I'm getting close to having it all done, but I'm quickly running out of room to put things. I don't know how I fit all of this in my other room which was substantially smaller then this one.
Random Thoughts about Friendship
I was just thinking this weekend how it's really strange the way different groups of friends interact with each other. The friends I had growing up, the friends I had in college, the friends I made in Phoenix, work friends, and my current set of friends -- they all have a different type of interaction. My newest friends are those whom I would call my closest and best friends ... aside from Mark and Andrea in Phoenix, who would also fit that category. I don't think I've ever really felt as close to my friends as I do with these guys. Well I take that back, maybe I felt that way before about other people but never had them feel that way in return.
The one thing I'm really learning about having this type of friendship is that it has the stability and fragileness of a relationship with someone. It is almost like having a relationship with each of them. I think it's a new experience for all of us and I'm not sure that we know how to handle it. I think when you are involved so intimately with people you have to realize there are going to be times when you are mad and times when you are happy, and it's not going to all good all the time. Lately it seems that some of us have been more sensitive about things said and actions taken. I can understand why this happens, but I think we all just have to take it a day at a time and just like a relationship, have to work on our communication with each other.
I know that for me it's easier to just be upfront and honest with someone when they do something to upset me, as that's just the type of person that I am. I'd rather confront it and get it out in the open then to stew about it and maybe blow up about it later. I know that it's difficult sometimes to deal with each other while we are still really learning much about each other but I don't want to have to feel like I have to tip toe around in what I do and say with my friends. I don't want to fear that I might say or do something that will hurt someone's feelings. I want to feel comfortable with my friends to know that if I do something that they do not like or is inappropriate in their eyes that they will be understanding that we are all learning and talk to me about it. I want my friends to feel that they can tell me anything, good or bad, no matter what. I believe that honesty is always the best policy and I don't think that shutting people out when you have a problem is the best way to deal with a situation. But then again that is just me -- and I know that everyone handles their individual situations differently.
I just hope that we call all get through all the bad times that may come up and keep this group of friends together for a really long time. I really feel like these guys are my family and I consider them to be that. I want to have friends that I can grow old with and know they they are there for me no matter what.
Ok -- enough about that. I really should get back to work. I have some things to get done.
