Hello I'm Rich Brown and this is my personal website and blog. I'm just your simple, average, down to earth, professional, out gay man and aspiring circuit boy, living in Phoenix, Arizona with a few things to say while trying to find my place among all the scary, conservative, religious nuts in this sick and twisted world.
Saturday, August 25, 2001
My Mother's House in Pennsylvania
@PENNSYLVANIA. I'm currently at my Mother's house in Pennsylvania and in just a few short hours I'll be leaving to return back home to San Francisco. I have to say that I've had a really great week here and as most vacations go, it went just way too fast. I've enjoyed spending the time with family, old friends, and especially my Mother. It was a much needed trip for both of us.
This Old House ... I drove by our old house tonight. The house that my parents built, the house where I grew up. When my parents moved to Arizona in 1998, they packed up everything and sold the house. It didn't really bother me much then. I saw it as a good move for them. I had seen the house a few times after that when I was back home for trips, but this time was different. Now that my father is gone and my Mother is living alone in an apartment, it was a strange realization of how much all of our lives have changed in just a few short years. As I drove by the house many things were still the same, however with the small changes the new residents made it was noticeably different. Driving up the small tree lined street, along the front yard of the house I almost felt as if I should be turning up into the driveway to return home as I had done so many nights in the past. It was a strange feeling to know that the house that I once spent so much of my time and so many memories was no longer truly my house except in my heart. I felt sad for a minute. I slowed down and took a good long look. I guess I didn't really know how to feel as I drove by. I just kept turning my head to look at every detail of the house, I had never really looked at it this much or felt this way before. Part of me wanted to just look at the house and cry, the other part of me said just let it go and drive on. I guess seeing the house and having flashes of all the memories I had of it, really made me think of my father and our family. It was a reflection on all of the good times we spent there together as a family. I know the memories will always remain, but it's so hard to drive by knowing what was once yours and the place you always called home is no longer truly home anymore. When they say "home is where the heart is" I think some small part of my heart will always have a special place for that house on 20 Pine Street.
Small Reflections ...The past 10 days have given me the time to think about the things that are really important in my life. As I look back I don't regret any of the decision that I made so far in my life. I think regret is a waste of everyone's time and energy. I think it best just to examine how we can make things better from here. By looking at all of the decisions that I've made so far I was really trying to figure out what it is that is most important to me right now and what is going to make me happy. I think finally having time to myself this week I was really able to objectively think about these things and where my path should lead for the future. As I spent time with my Mother, my family and my lifelong friends this week I think that I've realized that these people are such an important part of my life and I really want to spend more time with them. My Father's death was an eye opening realization of how short our time really is on Earth. I think we really have to do things for the present -- do the things that are going to make us happy now -- and not plan and wait for the future. We never truly know when our future will cease to be there anymore so why not just make the future now. We've always heard live every day as if it were your last. How many people do you think actually heed these words of advice? I don't think very many. I think I know now what I have to do to lead me back down the path of happiness and I think that somehow involves being closer to my Mother, and my family.
A Really Short 10 Days ...It's hard to believe that 10 days have passed already. This has to be the first time in a long while that I've really had a good time. I don't remember any time previous that I've come home and it went by this fast. Always for one reason or another I was in a hurry to get back to Penn State, Phoenix or San Francisco and didn't allow myself the benefit of actually enjoying my trip. I really came into these 10 days with little to no expectations as to what I was going to do and I really found that I enjoyed it much more then I thought. The weather has been great, although my family would probably argue with me on that point, and it's just been very relaxing for me all around.
I can't even really say that I did much of anything while I was here. Friday night consisted of attending my cousin's rehearsal dinner with my Mother and the rest of my family. It was nice to see all of my family again. Saturday afternoon was the wedding. It was a nice ceremony and I was able to spend time with family whom I have not seen in many years. It's too bad that we all don't keep in better contact. Sunday was spend just relaxing a bit and then meeting up with Justin, who also just happened to be in Philly visiting some friends. Justin and I went to my friend Missy's house to visit and see the children. On Monday, Justin came over and had dinner with my Mom, her best friend and I. We then drove around a bit, went to see Sean and Suzette, and then had some coffee in the city before I dropped him off at his friends house. Tuesday was spent with my Mother shopping for a computer for her -- thus giving me the ability to write this journal entry. Wednesday was spend setting up the computer and wiring a new phone jack into the spare bedroom of her apartment. Wednesday night was dinner with my Mother, Aunt and Uncle. Thursday was spent in Ocean City, NJ at the beach visiting with my Grandmother and my other Aunt and Uncle. My Grandmother had recently moved down there to live in an apartment above their house. We spend the day together and went up to the boardwalk to walk around in the afternoon. I felt somewhat guilty that my Mom and I would only be there for the afternoon. Maybe next visit I can spend more time down there with them. Friday was spent helping my Mother with a few things and then visiting all of my friends to say goodbye. It went so quick. If only I had more time -- but isn't that the quote of the century.
This New House ... I'd have to say that the only really strange part of this trip was when I first got to my Mother's apartment. She has a very nice apartment and it is fixed up so very nicely -- decorated in just her style and taste. However it was somehow a strange feeling to be in a place that was now "her" home and did not include any influence from my Father. This being my first trip back since my Father had passed away, left me with sort of an unsettled feeling. Although the apartment was so very comfortable and homey, It was just somehow not the same without my Father being here. I was so used to coming home and having them both here, that is just feels as if something is missing. When I look at my Mother I can see the pain and hurt in her eyes, and I can tell how she loved him with all her heart and misses so much. I know that it's been difficult for her to move on with her own life, but she's done very well so far and being such a strong woman I know she will go on. I'm so proud of the way she fixed up her apartment and has everything in order. I know that my Father would also be proud of her as well.
Anyway ...Well I guess I better come to a close here. It's now 3:25 am and I have to get some sleep for a little while. I'm going to get up and go to breakfast with my Mother. It's going to be really hard to leave her tomorrow. I'm in the mindset right now that I really don't want to go back -- but I have too. All vacations must come to an end. Hopefully I'll still be able to get off for those 2 weeks over Christmas to come home and visit again. Well I guess next time I write hopefully I'll be back in San Francisco.
