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Rich Brown - Living My Life Out Loud!
Hello I'm Rich Brown and this is my personal website and blog. I'm just your simple, average, down to earth, professional, out gay man and aspiring circuit boy, living in Phoenix, Arizona with a few things to say while trying to find my place among all the scary, conservative, religious nuts in this sick and twisted world.
Friday, August 10, 2001
@ Work
I am so happy that it's Friday. Only a few more work days after this weekend and I'll be leaving to go back to Philadelphia for 10 days. I'm really excited to get away for a little bit and relax.
Yesterday was a really strange day for me. I don't ever get depressed about anything but I can honestly say that yesterday I was feeling a bit depressed. Just everything that's been going on in my life has started to seem a bit overwhelming. That's why this trip back home will be good for me because I can just relax. I don't have to entertain anyone, I don't have to run all over the city -- all I have to do is relax.
I'm starting to think that I need to start taking some more time for myself. Just more time all around to do things alone. I always feel like I'm on the go and I'm always trying to make everyone else happy but when it comes down to it I don't feel like my needs are being met. I remember when I was in Phoenix the only way that I could actually get some space and time alone was to just turn off my phones and relax. It's a bit harder then that here in SF because I don't live alone anymore so I can't just escape as easily. Even when I'm in my room I have my roommates knocking on my door or pressuring me to go out and do something with them. I'm so totally ready to have my own place again. I really miss the freedom of having my own apartment and being able to do things the way I want to do them in the apartment. Oh well -- one thing at a time I suppose.
I'm also feeling pretty grumpy today because I didn't get enough sleep last night. I haven't been getting enough sleep for the past few nights and it's starting to take it toll on me. I have to stop it because I know my body and when I don't get enough rest I will start to get sick and that is the last thing I want right now.
Boredom at Work?
I hate to say this but I'm really bored with my job. I just am so unmotivated to go into work anymore. I get to work and I don't feel like doing anything. I've been coming in later and later, I've been leaving early, and I've been taking long lunches to just get away from the office. It's pretty pathetic actually. I'm really not very happy with things right now. I need more of a challenge. I've found that once things become routine with me I become bored really quickly. This follows true with everything in my life. It is normally the time in my life where I would start looking for another job to find something new and exciting, however the lure of stock options is just too great for me to give up right now.
Maybe I should just sell everything I have and then go join a Monastery somewhere in Europe and live my life in solitude. Maybe that would make me happy. Probably not -- I feel like I'm in constant torment and can never find happiness. I guess this is just the path in life that has been laid out for me.
What is Happiness?
What does it take to make a person happy? How do we know what it is that will make us happy? It's obvious that different things make different people happy. For some it's the little things, for others it the big things. Then there are those of us that are still trying to figure out the answer to that question. Maybe it is only when we are miserable that we question if we can be happy. When we are feeling great about ourselves and actually feel happy do we think about it then? Do we say too ourselves I'm happy -- this is what makes me happy. No, we don't. It's sort of just a feeling that we love to have but when it's not there we long to have it back.
