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Rich Brown - Living My Life Out Loud!
Hello I'm Rich Brown and this is my personal website and blog. I'm just your simple, average, down to earth, professional, out gay man and aspiring circuit boy, living in Phoenix, Arizona with a few things to say while trying to find my place among all the scary, conservative, religious nuts in this sick and twisted world.
Wednesday, August 01, 2001
@ Work
So last night was certainly not pleasant for either Justin and I.
I really want to write about my feelings and what happened but out of respect for Justin's feelings and my own I'm not sure that I should.
I really care about Justin a great deal. He is a very sweet, affectionate, emotional and caring person. I am just going through so many things in my life right now that I don't feel like I've had any time for me. I feel as if I've been spending so much energy on everyone else's needs and problems that I've totally forgotten to take care of myself. Because of this I have decided that I really need to take some time off and work on getting myself and my life straightened out. I really want to be happy and I really want Justin to be happy, but on the current course I know that can't happen.
As much as I love Justin I just feel that I right now I can't commit myself anymore to him and a relationship. I don't think it would be fair to him or fair to myself. I'm at the point where I can't be in a relationship with someone until I can get my life straightened out and be happy with me. I really need to be alone for a while so that I can spend some time and energy on myself and figure out what it is that is going to help me feel good about me again.
As I write this I know it sounds sort of selfish but I just have expended so much time and energy on trying to make everyone else happy that I don't even know what makes me happy. I know that Justin is really hurt over all of this and that was never my intention. I know he thinks it was an easy decision for me to make, but in fact I have been struggling with this decision for some time now. It is a decision that is never pleasant and in the end one if not both of us will always be hurt. But it comes down to the fact that it was a decision that I had to make in order to preserve my own well being and put some direction into my life.
I think the worst part of last night was when I watched Justin walk up the street as he left from my house. As he turned around and looked at me with those big eyes and sad face my heart was breaking and tears came to my eyes. I feel sad for him because I have to put him through this. I never wanted to hurt him. In the end it will be a learning experience for him but I wish he didn't have to go through it. I feel sad because I'm used to having him around all the time and it will take some adjustment to get used to being alone again. When I got up this morning I was sad because I saw some of Justin's things that are still at my apartment. It felt strange without him there. It brings a wide range of emotions as I write this now.
I know this will not be an easy time for either of us -- but I hope that Justin realizes it was just something that I had to do. I know this is such a cliché' but it wasn't him it was me. He made the comment last night that he felt as if he wasn't good enough for me. I wish and hope that someday he will understand how this is the furthest thing from the truth. Justin is a good person and deserves to be with someone that can give him the attention and affection that he needs. I really want Justin to be a part of my life but for now I can only offer him my friendship. I really want him to be happy and I hope he knows that he's a very special person.
As I know I need to decide where my life is going and how I can be happy, I really wish that Justin would also take some time for himself to also think about his life. I think now is the time where he should decide what he wants to do and where he wants to go with it. I'm almost so envious of the fact that he still has so much time ahead of him. I wish that I was at his place in life where I could still choose my path but my reality is that I already have an established career and I'm pretty well set in my path. I know I could completely change my life but I think this in turn would not be the right decision given everything that has happened in the past year. Just spending some time reflecting on things will give me the direction I need to find happiness.
Given some time I think we will both see this was the best decision. Hopefully after the hurt passes we can remain friends and both grow from this. I feel sad but I know these experiences are what shapes our lives and makes life worth living. After all -- how would we know true happiness if we never experienced hurt.
