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Rich Brown - Living My Life Out Loud!
Hello I'm Rich Brown and this is my personal website and blog. I'm just your simple, average, down to earth, professional, out gay man and aspiring circuit boy, living in Phoenix, Arizona with a few things to say while trying to find my place among all the scary, conservative, religious nuts in this sick and twisted world.
Wednesday, October 10, 2001
@ Home
It's such a nice day outside today. I just walked up to Castro to pick up my mail and grab a bit to eat. I love days like this, sunny and mild. I really feel at home in this neighborhood. Just walking around makes me appreciate everything that it has to offer. I think for once in my life I'm finally starting to feel somewhat content. I mean don't get me wrong, I would love to have my own place and not have to do the roommate thing, however I guess I just can't ask for too much right now. I'd much rather be living in my place for the location and put up with roommates rather then have my own place out in the middle of no where.
I went to the gym last night again with Steven. It was a really good workout. We focused mainly on chest and arms with the weights and ended our workout with some cardio. I really feel great about going to the gym and working out. I've gotten myself in a routine so that I want to make sure I can go at least 5 days a week. I am already seeing some slight improvements, so I don't think it will take me long to get to where I want to be.
Physically I feel pretty good today and I was in a really great mood this morning, but right now I'm slightly frustrated. It's the smallest things that really set me off anymore and I don't know why I let them bother me. Maybe I should just over look them or just ignore them but I can't. I'm just not wired that way.
All this shit with Bee just has me so worked up anymore. I just don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do. I used to enjoy hanging out with Bee but it all just became too much for me. It just got to the point that no matter what I did he would get bent out of shape over the smallest thing and it would end up with some long and drawn out phone call about how he wasn't appreciated or how he didn't think I cared about him or some other shit. It got so bad that I just didn't want to hear it anymore. You can only hear the same shit so many times. It's one thing to talk to someone about their problems but these were just ridiculous personal issues that were constantly the same every time. And it was never about anyone else, it was only about me. I can't understand why I never had these problems with any of my other friends. Why none of my other friends felt this way with me. For all I knew I thought I was a fun and easy person to get along with. I really tried with Bee. It is one thing to get emotionally involved in a friendship but he just carried it too far. He even got pissed off when I would get online. Like it was any of his fucking business what I did in the first place. He should have just minded his own damn business and worried about himself and not what I was doing.
I think the thing that pisses me off the most is that he has tried to turn all this around on me and make it look like it was my fault. That I let him take things too far. Well clue phone I never gave him any indication that I was interested in anything more then a friendship. I mean I was even in a relationship with Justin when all this was going on. What was he thinking. How fucked up is that? He says I'm running away from my problems -- well that is just not true. I'm not running away from anyone or anything but him. Because frankly he made my life miserable for the past few months. I'll admit that there were some really good times and we did have fun together, but the emotional drain that I felt in having to tip-toe around him with everything I did was just too much. That is more then anyone should be asked to do. In a normal friendship you just shouldn't have to act that way. I don't know maybe he just hasn't had any close gay friends before and doesn't know how to deal with his feelings. I really resent how he has made me feel and I haven't realized it until the past month. I've been so much happier since he's been out of my life and because of this I just don't want him back in my life. I knew all of this was going on when I left for Philadelphia and I addressed it with him. I tried to move on when I got back but it just progressed down the same path and even got worse. All those times he kept saying it wasn't us or me but it was him ... well yes that is right it was him, but yet he still made me always feel as if I was not giving enough of myself.
I actually enjoy going out to the bars now without him. Because when he would go out with us I felt as if I couldn't walk away from him without him getting pissed off. Maybe I wanted to be like Philip and go dance near other people and talk to other people but he made it clear that he was there to be with us and not meet other people. I'm glad he made this decision for me as well and that I never felt as if I could just walk away and do my own thing. He never said anything to Philip when Philip would dance away from us. He never said anything to Steven when Steven would want to sit down or hang out upstairs at Metropolis. But for me he had to always be right there ... to not give me any space and not let me move anywhere. I couldn't even go to the bathroom myself without him wanting to come along. That's bullshit. And all I had to keep hearing from him was that he never met anyone and just wanted to be with someone so that he didn't feel alone. Well damn, I don't know how you expect to meet anyone else when you are so connected with your friends that you don't even allow yourself a chance to have contact with anyone else.
One of the other things that really bothered me was his knack of really getting too personal and even bringing up things that were totally inappropriate. He wanted to believe that he knew me so well. He only thought he knew me so well because he would constantly pick and pick until he got the answer that he wanted from me. I think when you are friends with someone you shouldn't badger them with questions. They will tell you what they want you to know in time. That's the whole process of getting to know someone. He would ask me things that just became way too personal for someone to ask. He actually even implied to me that I was somehow abused as a child because I had a hard time opening up. How fucking ridiculous is this? I was really offended by this question because for one I had two of the best parents that anyone could have asked for and I was never in my life abused by anyone. And two, for someone like Bee, that hasn't known me for very long or my family for that matter to come out and ask a question like that is really disrespectful and hurtful. I don't know who made him the armchair psychologist. I guess because he found out his ex was abused, he had this theory that everyone was abused. He told me before he thought that maybe Philip was abused, and then that maybe Justin was abused. He really did think everyone around him was abused. I don't think these are things you should really go around saying to people and making judgments about people when you really don't know what the hell you are talking about.
Bee is a manipulator and likes to manipulate people so that he can use them for his needs. I don't honestly think he really cares about anyone but himself and I say this because he actions do not indicate anything different. He wants to make himself the center of everyone attention so that he can feel like he is everyone's best friend without any of his other friends getting too close to each other. This is so apparent by him always saying that he feels left out whenever someone does something without him. He can't handle the fact that someone may be having fun and he's not included.
So now that I've said all that I still don't why I get so frustrated over this. I'm still really bitter over everything that's happened and I know that I'm not going to get over it any time soon. I really do not want Bee back in my life in any way. I don't want to talk to him, I don't want him to E-Mail me or message me. I just don't want him in my life at all. I know that things will never change with him and I'm just not ready to deal with that again. At this point in my life I need to surround myself with people that I enjoy spending time and doing things with and not people who will bring me down all the time. I know that Philip and Steven just cannot understand the way I feel because they truly do not know what he put me through all this time and furthermore he never acted this way with either of them, just me.
I think when it really comes down to it, I'm sort afraid that being the manipulator he is, he's somehow going to try and work his way right back in the middle between Philip and Steven so that he can force himself back in my life. I can see this happening lately by the way he's been trying to get Steven to move in with him and the way he only tells Philip the things he knows will get back to me. It's these things that frustrate me because I know that he doesn't give two shits about them at all. It was me that begged Steven to talk to Bee again when all that stuff was going on months ago between Bee and Steven. It was me that kept calling Philip and trying to include him in the things we did. Not Bee -- he didn't call anyone except for me unless it suited his needs. He'll be the first to remind someone when he's done something for them and they owe him a favor.
Ok -- I'm done with stressing over all this shit. I just needed to vent a bit and I know that only through writing do I make myself feel better. Because writing is how I express myself and I can go back and reflect on the way I feel. What happens will happen and I have to realize that I have no control over it. The only thing I can control are the people whom I choose to be a part of my life.
