Hello I'm Rich Brown and this is my personal website and blog. I'm just your simple, average, down to earth, professional, out gay man and aspiring circuit boy, living in Phoenix, Arizona with a few things to say while trying to find my place among all the scary, conservative, religious nuts in this sick and twisted world.
Monday, October 29, 2001
@ Work
I'm so fucking irritated right now. I got the big blow-off from EVERYONE this weekend. I don't know why I always put so much effort into trying to maintain friendships with people that don't give a shit about anything except for themselves.
I'm really pissed at Sean and Suzette because it seems that they are unable to make any time for me while they are here. I guess it doesn't matter that every time I visit back east I go out of my way to see them, hang out with them, do things with them. I really thought that after 25 years, Sean and I were better friends then that. If they didn't want to bother doing anything with me then why did they make such a big deal about telling me they were coming out. Suzette always gets so wrapped up with her family that she leaves them no time for anything else.
When they were here last year over Sean's birthday I went to a party that Suzette had for him and then we all also went out to dinner. I guess with my birthday being this week it was too much to ask of anyone to maybe do something with me this weekend. Everyone is always too busy with their own fucking lives then to care about me or give a shit if I want to do something. I always used to like Halloween and the weekend before it because there are always parties and people out and about. I used to like to go out and do things with my friends and not sit at home. I always thought it was a really fun time, but once again this year was a sad reminder of how I got to spend my birthday last year at home alone in a new city.
I'm always the one that whenever anyone else wants to do anything I go -- I don't complain or make a big deal about it. I'm easy to get along with, I do the things other people want to do even if I'm not totally into it, because I just want to spend the time with them. But when it comes down to it whenever I want to do something everyone else makes a big deal about it and then I'm the one that gets blown off because whatever I want to do isn't as important as everyone else's busy life.
I really think I put too much effort into a friendship and then I'm the one that gets fucked in the end. I personally value my friendships very highly but I can see that it's just not that way for most people. Well fuck that I'm done with it. If people can't make time for me in their lives then I'm not going to make time for them in my life. I think my friendship is way too valuable to give away to people that don't truly care about me or my feelings.
The only thing I'm glad for right now are two people. Philip and Justin. Philip for going to dinner and drinks with me on Friday night before his friends got into town and for calling me all weekend to see how things were going. And Justin, for calling me to hang out even after the way I've been nasty with him at times. I'm surprised he still puts up with me.
I'm really in a foul mood today and I don't want to be here at work. I hate my job. I wish it wasn't raining out here today because I really need to take a walk outside and get some air. I really feel like hitting someone right now.
