Hello I'm Rich Brown and this is my personal website and blog. I'm just your simple, average, down to earth, professional, out gay man and aspiring circuit boy, living in Phoenix, Arizona with a few things to say while trying to find my place among all the scary, conservative, religious nuts in this sick and twisted world.
Friday, November 09, 2001
@ Work
So last night I decided to go out. Alone. It was a pretty weird feeling going out to a bar alone. I don't think I've done that since back in March. It wasn't all that bad but not really anything / anyone interesting out. I started out at the Bar on Castro with a Stoli and Tonic w/ double lime as usual. I sat there for a while and just watched people but there weren't really too many people in there. Just a few couples here and there. Oh and there was the occasional old man that would come in look around, look at me sitting alone, look around, look at me again and then leave after they realized I would look back at them. I did have one homely guy look at me a few times and then try and sit down next to me but I think when I didn't even turn my head his way he got frustrated and got up and walked back to the bar. Ugh -- some people are just so pathetic. I was hoping that none of these weirdoes would talk to me because then I would just have to be rude. I sat there for about an hour or so maybe and then left.
I walked on over to the Cafe to see what was going on there. No sooner then I had gotten a beer from the bar I ran into Brett. It was nice to see a familiar face. He was there with a friend of his and we talked for a while. I like Brett he's a nice guy. There were a few cute guys there but they all seemed to be latched on to other guys. Oh well I guess that's the way it goes. Eventually Brett and his friend Tim went off to the dance floor. I hung around for a few songs and then decided I would head back up the street.
I walked past the Bar on Castro again and I think there were less people in there then before. I headed over to Badlands to check it out since I had not been there in a while. There is a reason that I don't really like Badlands all that much. It's such a small place, gets pretty crowded and most of the guys seem pretty old. Anyway that's just my opinion. So I stayed for a beer, walked up to get my mail from my post office box and then decided to call it a night and head home.
It wasn't a bad night, just different. I don't think I really like going out by myself. Maybe if I tried it on the weekend it would be a bit better.
I guess it goes back to the age old question of where do you meet people? I know that I personally do not like to go up to people for fear of rejection. I've always been this way since I can remember. I'm just not all that bold. I think that if I would have see anyone interesting last night I would have gone up and talked to them but unfortunately no one really caught my attention. I had a conversation with Steven yesterday and I've decided that there has to be other people like us out. Meaning people who are also afraid to go up to others. When you think about it even if it turns out that someone you go up to isn't interested you aren't any worse off then if you didn't go up to them at all. What is the worst thing that could happen if you talk to someone. They give you the blow off. But at that point you really didn't loose anything. I think you have more to gain by talking to someone then just sitting there and then wondering. At least that's what I think.
I have been thinking for a while now that I really just wanted time to myself and that I didn't want to be in a relationship again for a while. I don't know if that was really honest or accurate. I think I truly believed that but now I'm starting to feel differently. I really do want to meet someone. I want to meet someone that can make me happy. Someone that I enjoy spending time with, and someone that I can share my life with. I always start to feel this way around this time of the year. I guess it's not strange why most of my relationships either start or end around the October / November / December time frame.
I think that lately with the weather changing I have been getting really sentimental about things. The smell of the fireplaces burning and the crisp winter air is bringing back memories of when Rob and I were together. I miss the times when it would be near the holidays and we would get dressed up and go walking around window shopping and have some hot apple cider. It was always the best time of the year for us. One time that I remember most specifically was a time when I was working in Washington D.C. Rob came to visit me and it was only about a week before Christmas. We got dressed up and went down to Georgetown to walk around. It started to lightly snow and the whole town was decorated for the holidays. We went down to Dean and Deluca and sat outside under the heater with some coffee. We then walked around Georgetown just talking and window shopping. I really miss times like that. Those were the times of my relationship with Rob that I miss the most.
I know that when I go out with someone I always have a tendency to still hold them up to Rob in comparison. I don't know why I do it because I know that it's not fair to me or the other person. Everyone is different and unique in their own way and just because they don't have the same qualities that Rob had, they may have other better qualities. I guess I just do it out of habit because he was the first person that I ever truly fell in love with and we had a great relationship for many years. I've been trying to ease up a bit lately and just take people for face value. It seems to be working but I guess I have yet to really meet the right person. I don't know.
I do know that I don't want to be single for the rest of my life. I want to meet someone that I can be with and someone with whom we both can share each others lives. I know this person has to have some of the same interests as me and also has to be pretty close to my age and education. I also think it's important for this person to be a free-thinker and also have his own interests and friends. The last thing I really want is for someone to sit around waiting for me all the time. What I do know is that I can't go out looking, that it will just have to happen. Maybe someday.
Deep down I think what I fear the most is that I won't find someone and I'll be alone for the rest of my life. I don't want to be one of these 40 y/o men who is out cruising the bars for a hookup. I would hope that by then I could find someone I'm compatible with and be able to have some sort of commitment with them. I think that as we get older it becomes increasingly difficult to meet someone. It's also difficult when you do meet someone to try and integrate your lives together because the older you get the more settled you become in your home, your habits and your own life. Well -- I guess I'll just keep my fingers crossed. Thank god I have my friends.
