Hello I'm Rich Brown and this is my personal website and blog. I'm just your simple, average, down to earth, professional, out gay man and aspiring circuit boy, living in Phoenix, Arizona with a few things to say while trying to find my place among all the scary, conservative, religious nuts in this sick and twisted world.
Monday, May 17, 2004
@WORK. Alright so I'm sitting here waiting for a bunch of files to copy over. I was thinking about a few things this weekend that sort of bothered me. I met with one of the personal trainers at the gym on Saturday and had a fitness analysis done. My lean body weight was 161#. Which basically means that if I don't build any more muscle, and in turn don't loose any muscle, hypothetically speaking with 0% body fat (most unrealistic for anyone, but I'm just proving a point) the least I could ever weight would be 161#. That got me thinking back to one time when a person said that they prefer guys to be around 140# and they thought anyone over 150# was too big. I just figured the guy was a freak, but it didn't really occur to me until now that someone that's 6' with 140# would have very little muscle at all. I guess it's all relative. I feel that 175# would put me at around a 10% body fat range and I can live with that. Anyway I don't know why that was bugging me when I thought about it.
So as with every weekend this one went too fast. Friday night was spent with Justin and Mark at the gym and then over to Applebees to hang out for a bit. Saturday was the Grand Re-Opening at the gym so it was packed in there. I had my personal training appointment and then worked out for a bit. I felt really good by the time I got home. Later Justin and I ran some errands and then ended up going out to Golden Gate for some Chinese with Mark and Andrea. Mark, Justin and I then went and caught a late showing of Van Helsing. That was a pretty kick-ass movie. It's been a while since I've seen a decent movie. Yesterday was a pretty mild day. I slept in and then did some yard work. Our neighbor, Joe was out drinking by the pool so he invited us over for a bit. A few drinks later and my goal of making it back to the gym was pretty much gone. Later in the evening Mark, Andrea, Justin and I were hanging out for a bit. Justin and I finally got Berg swimming around in the pool with us. I can't believe that he's going to be 1 year old this week. Seems like just yesterday he was such a tiny pup, and now he's almost 100#.
The strangest thing happened to me last night. Just before bed, Justin and I were watching Queer as Folk. As I was watching the show I could feel myself getting a little worked up. What I mean by that is that I could actually feel my blood pressure rising and my heart starting to beat faster. I'm not sure that I can really explain it, other then to describe it as almost an anxiety attack type of feeling. I realized that lately, every time we watch that show I've been getting that way. I honestly think this is happening because watching the show is triggering emotions about San Francisco. Not so much San Francisco itself, but rather the life and friendships I had when I was living in San Francisco. Some days it really hits me that we don't really have any gay friends here in Phoenix and it makes me realize how much we really left behind in San Francisco. I miss being able to walk down the street and run into my friends and also hanging out with them for dinners and at the clubs. It seems like over the past year we've had a really difficult time trying to make any gay friends in Phoenix. We hang out with Mark and Andrea quite a bit, and don't get me wrong, we enjoy that, but there is just something about having a good solid group of gay friends to do things with. I miss the days that Justin, Philip, Bernard, Steven and I would hang out. We had such a unique relationship between all of us. I know that things would not be the same now, because most of those guys don't even hang out themselves anymore, so I guess I'm really just romanticizing and thinking too much about days gone by.
I think all of this really stems from my desire to live in the city. I don't know why, but I just somehow feel that things would be better for us in the city instead of living in the suburbs. I told Justin last night that I wish we had more gay friends to hang out with and do things with. He suggested that we try hard to meet people, to which I replied that we live in the suburbs, which is difficult. He disagrees with me, saying there are plenty of other gay people who live in the suburbs, but somehow I just think it's not the same. It just becomes so much work to try and get people together who are separated by any amount of distance.
So, when I start thinking about all of this I get a little sad. Don't get me wrong, I really do enjoy living in Phoenix. I love the weather and it's so much better now that we own a house, but what makes me sad is that I sometimes wonder what life would be like had we not left San Francisco. I guess my whole life is always going to be about the "what if" game. I don't know, I think that if it were not for the whole issue going on with my Mother, I would seriously consider moving back to San Francisco. Life as a gay an seemed so much easier and just a little more bearable in San Francisco then it does anywhere else. I just better stop dwelling on all this right now. Alright I better finish up here, it's almost time to go home.
