Hello I'm Rich Brown and this is my personal website and blog. I'm just your simple, average, down to earth, professional, out gay man and aspiring circuit boy, living in Phoenix, Arizona with a few things to say while trying to find my place among all the scary, conservative, religious nuts in this sick and twisted world.
Saturday, August 28, 2004
@HOME. MY LIFE.
Reality strikes me sometimes that I fucked up and now I have to suffer the consequences. Some days I think to myself that I feel as if I just want to curl up somewhere and cry. I want to feel sorry for myself, but I can't because I'm the cause of my own nightmare.
If only it were a nightmare. It really does seem like just a bad dream but then there is always the constant reminder letting me know it actually is reality. The reminders everyday. Noon, midnight, on the radio, on television, all so subtle but never cease.
I sometimes want to scream out. Lash out at someone. Hit something. Hit someone. Be Mad. I have such an anger inside of me that I just can't let go or let out. An anger that I know I have to contain for fear that if anyone really knew how bitter, cold and mad I am, it would scare them away from me. I force myself to maintain control.
I know this has led me to my current state of emotional unavailability for anyone in my life. I am consumed. I have to spend so much energy and all of my own emotions just to contain myself, my fear, my anger. I have nothing left to give after that.
I feel like if I give any part of me, I will fall apart. As if that one part, any part is the only thing holding me together at this point. My wall will break. The anger will come out. The fear will come out. The emotions that I have to suppress will be too overwhelming to deal with. It's easier to just contain.
