Hello I'm Rich Brown and this is my personal website and blog. I'm just your simple, average, down to earth, professional, out gay man and aspiring circuit boy, living in Phoenix, Arizona with a few things to say while trying to find my place among all the scary, conservative, religious nuts in this sick and twisted world.
Wednesday, August 04, 2004
@WORK. I just finished reading SeanP7's blog. I have to say it's one of the more entertaining parts of my day which has pretty much turned into a daily routine for me. When I was living in San Francisco and was writing in my online journal (pre-Blog), I had a bunch of people that would religiously read my posts. I felt like a regular Ann Landers or something. I couldn't understand why people would be so interested ... now I know. It's addicting. I enjoy reading SeanP7's posts because what's going on with him is almost like a soap-opera. I can't wait to read a new post to find out what is going to happen next. I guess it also makes me realize how settled my life has become compared to the days when I was back in San Francisco going out every night and having all kinds of wicked stories to tell.
So yesterday my team ending up going up to Scottsdale for drinks as a "team building" event. We headed up the the Salty Oyster for several rounds of Margharitas. It was the first time all of us got together to go out. I'm a bit uncomfortable in going out to social situations with my team because I'm not out to them and sometimes the situation can become a little uncomfortable. It's funny because there are plenty of people here on campus who are aware that I'm gay, but no one on my team "offically" knows. I'm sure that some of them would probably suspect since I don't oogle over all the young waitresses and scantily claid female passerby's everywhere we go. Usually that and the fact that I'm not always talking about "bangin the bitches" is a pretty good giveaway for anyone who actually pays attention. I try to be suttle without being too obvious by having an HRC logo and a picture of Justin and I on my desk. I sometimes think people just don't pay attention to things they don't want to know. It's not that I'm actually afraid of coming out at work, it's just I hate the awkard part of it all and having to deal with the situation initially.
The whole "out at work" thing has always been a difficult issue for me. In the past, I never felt it an appropriate topic to bring into work. I usually just left people to believe whatever they wanted or outright lied about it, depending on my situation. I guess I was always afraid of my loosing job and my reputation. I wanted people to know me for me and not as "the gay guy..." Sometimes I think it would almost be easier if I were more of a "stereotypical" homo, as that way it would just be assumed and you wouldn't have to worry about telling anyone. Ok, on second thought, NO, BAD IDEA, I take that back. I admit I have always enjoy being one of the boys and being part of the "in" crowd both socially and at work (Which probably goes back to my fraternity days at University.) I just have to figure out how to let people know while still maintaining my integrity and the respect of my peers. It dosen't really matter to me anymore because Bank of America is such a gay-friendly company, I don't have to worry about my rights or loosing my job. Also my immediate manager knows and it dosn't matter to him, so it's not going to hinder my uppward mobility in the company if I decide to stay here. Like I said earlier, I just hate that initial awkardness with peers. They don't know what to say around you ... know how to act ... It's all just so uncomfortable at first, then it usually just works itself out. I guess I'm getting tired of hearing about everyone's girlfriends and dates and just sitting there in silence acting like I'm single.
I think this has been on my mind since I watched a documentary about Harvy Milk, the only openly gay San Francisco City Councilman, who was assisinated back in the 70's along with Mayor Moscone. Harvy Milk was openly out to everyone and said that the only way we are going to gain our rights and the respect of others is to be out to friends, family and at work. After watching the documentary, I began to think about it and I agree that the only way we are going to be truely free is to be completely open with everyone about who we are. My friends and family already know, but what I have yet to face is the out at work part. I just haven't been able to force myself to gather the courage to let loose and be open about it. I'm still even having a hard time convincing myself that it's even necessary (deep down I know it would take a big weight off my chest and be the right thing to do) I guess it realy boils down to the point that I still worry what people will think of me. It's difficult being in a professional role in a corporation, where you interact with many different people and levels of management. I really have to maintain my reputation and have everyone take me seriously, and I don't know how to do that as well as being out. I think you really have to be in this situation to understand and realize how hard it is to break out of the proverbial Corporate Closet. It really is like the good ole' boys club and if you're not a member, then you're not playing. Oh well ... I've rambled enough about all that for today. In the words of Forest Gump ... "That's all I have to say about that!"
So anyway, after drinks with the team I met up with Justin for a sneak preview of Colin Farrell's new movie "A Home at the End of the World." First of all, Justin was pissed at me because I thought the movie started at 8 not at 7, so I didn't leave the bar until 6:30 and started heading home. When I saw he tried to call my cell phone like 20 times (can you say psycho stalker :-P) and left a few messages, I checked them to find out he was already at the theatre waiting for me. So I turned around and headed back up to the theatre. When I got into the theatre, he was visibly irritated with me. Oh well ... shit happens he'll get over it. So the movie started out pretty good but then spiraled downhill pretty fast to the end. Overall the movie was pretty medocre. If it had been anyone else but Colin Farrell it would not have been worth seeing. I would probably watch it again if it came on tv, but not go and see it again in the theatre. That's my review at least. I think probably the most amusing part of the movie was the reaction of the audience at some of the gay scenes. It was a mixed crowd as part of a news radio ticket giveaway and I don't think many of the people in the theatre were aware of the subject matter. The first gay scene was accompanied by a girl yelling out ... "that's disgusting" ... and her comment followed with laughter by all the homos seated around her. People need to get over it. We have to watch straight sex in nearly every movie these days so I think it's about time we had our turn.
Wow this entry is getting to be rediculiously long and boring. I better get my ass back to work. Cheers.
