Hello I'm Rich Brown and this is my personal website and blog. I'm just your simple, average, down to earth, professional, out gay man and aspiring circuit boy, living in Phoenix, Arizona with a few things to say while trying to find my place among all the scary, conservative, religious nuts in this sick and twisted world.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Just Make It Work People
Since tomorrow is Valentines Day, I thought I would focus this post on my relationship with Justin.
Justin & I, October 2008 @ the Atlantis Mexican Cruise White Party
You know it's funny because Justin and I often get exuberant praise from people once they find out how long we've been together (over 7 years now.) In the straight community it's not a stretch when people have been together for several years, however in the gay community it's treated almost as a golden anniversary for every year you make it past the first.
I'm not going to lie and say maintaining a relationship is easy because if it was there would be many more long term gay relationships in our community. Relationships, straight or gay are difficult, ask just about anyone. From meeting the right person to figuring out how to get along together without killing each other, it's a complex equation which some people never manage to solve.
I bring all this up because usually after the exuberant praise from people comes the question "What's the secret to making it work?" I've always offered up numerous reasons of how it works for Justin and I and how we've managed to stay together for so long , but when I was thinking about this the other day I finally came to a conclusion of the real reason why it's worked for us for so long. Simply put, we're best friends. I know that might sound a bit too simplistic, but it's really the umbrella for having and maintaining a successful relationship. Because we're best friends we enjoy many of the same interests, we absolutely love hanging out together, and most importantly we communicate with each other. I'm not saying that you should be in a relationship with your best friend because certainly we didn't start out as best friends, however I do believe that if you can grow together as best friends then your relationship will have a good chance at success.
I know that's a simple answer to a complex problem, and I'm not saying that's the end all be all answer. Obviously there are more factors then just being best friends, but it's one hell of a good start. Every gay couple (and happy straight couple for that matter) that Justin and I know who are in long term relationships all share this one common thread, they're best friends. They do things together, love being together and understand the importance of communication. I truly think that after the honeymoon phase is over, if you can’t look at your partner and see someone who is becoming or has already become your best friend, the possibility of maintaining a relationship with that person for the long haul is very slim.
So many people have the wrong idea about relationships. They classify their friends and their partner into separate categories. I’ve even seen many people treat their friends with more common courtesy then they afford their partner. (I can’t say I haven’t been guilty of this myself at times past) Aside from all other requirements of a relationship, if you and your partner treat each other with respect and as friends, nearly anything is possible together.
I’m not trying to come off as if Justin and I have the perfect relationship because we don’t, just ask our friends who balk as us every time we bicker in front of them. I’m not sure if the perfect relationship actually even exists. Like a small child a relationship is a beast of its own nature and it changes over time as do the needs of the individuals in it. A successful relationship requires constant nurturing, commitment and attention. It also requires that both people come to some agreement regarding the combined expectations.
Justin and have had our conflicts over the years but we’ve always managed to get through the tough times and make it work. It’s no secret to anyone that since the beginning we’ve had an open relationship. Our arrangement brings its own complexities to our relationship, and while it’s not something I would advocate for everyone, the arrangement seems to work for us. Trust me when I say that Justin and I have been criticized by many regarding the way we handle our relationship, but it’s always been by the people who can’t seem to maintain anything long term themselves. I usually just laugh to myself and think that if we’re so wrong in our choices then how come we’ve managed to remain best friends and together for nearly a decade. But I digress because that’s a topic better left for another post.
Everyone has their own expectations with a relationship and a belief of what symbolizes a successful relationship but at the end of the day if you look at each other and know that you’re truly happy and in love, then you’re probably looking at your best friend. Cheers and Happy Valentine’s day.
|______________________________________________________________________ posted by Justin Chanley @ Wednesday, February 13, 2008 7:40:00 PM
Great post Rich! I wholeheartedly agree with you about being good friends and treating each other with respect. Those are HUGE points and something I've believed for many years.
Wishing you and Justin a Happy Valentine's Day!
|______________________________________________________________________ posted by Jude @ Thursday, February 14, 2008 3:32:00 PM
You both look great in that photos. Relationships are tricky things at times. You and Justin seem to have the perfect mix. I'm sure you have your moments when it's not so great but that's just apart of life.
Wishing you many years of happiness and joy! Take care and be safe. :)
|______________________________________________________________________ posted by Jeremy Ryan @ Friday, February 22, 2008 11:24:00 PM
There was a white party on that cruise? Where was I?
|______________________________________________________________________ posted by Jerry Timms @ Tuesday, February 26, 2008 9:24:00 PM
