Hello I'm Rich Brown and this is my personal website and blog. I'm just your simple, average, down to earth, professional, out gay man and aspiring circuit boy, living in Phoenix, Arizona with a few things to say while trying to find my place among all the scary, conservative, religious nuts in this sick and twisted world.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Same City, Different Viewpoints
Last Friday night, Justin and had the pleasure of spending the evening with our dear friends Mark & Andrea in celebration of Mark's birthday. Unfortunately, we don't see them as often as we used too since their move over a year ago from our neighborhood to one of the historic districts in downtown Phoenix. It's not really that we're so far apart where we can't see each other, it's mainly that over the last year or two our combined lives, travel destinations, interests and social calenders have changed so much that it's just difficult for us to find any free time to get together. That's not a bad thing, it just something that happens as people settle into their lives together. We're all doing exactly what we want, and everyone is healthy and happy, so you really can't ask for more. I know we'd love to see each other more often, but we'll take what we can get.
Mark and Andrea are well aware of our recently renewed desire to move out of the state. It's a desire that years ago we all shared together and discussed quite frequently. Over the past few years Justin and I tried to settle down and allowed ourselves to remain content with staying in Arizona. I won't rehash the reasons why we're now ready for a change, but over the past few months something has turned the switch back on in us, causing us to open the discussion again about relocating. During our evening with Mark & Andrea, it was interesting to talk to them and hear another view on Phoenix, especially from good friends who have a completely different perspective then us.
Since their move to a beautiful home in a cute historic district in downtown Phoenix, Mark & Andrea have gotten to know many of their neighbors, and when I say neighbors, I'm really referring to almost everyone in the bounds of their historic district. They've started to participate in community and neighborhood activities, and they're enjoying everything that downtown Phoenix has to offer. Just from talking to them, I can tell how happy they are, and how much they're enjoying their new home and neighborhood. As they will openly admit, Mark & Andrea's move to this downtown neighborhood changed their impression of Phoenix and curtailed their interest in ever wanting to live anywhere else. They sit on their front patio & wave, talk & even share a glass of wine with their neighbors as they walk by. They have dinner parties, block parties, and attend social functions at various houses across the neighborhood. They walk their dogs through the neighborhood; They know who specifically lives in which house; They know which neighbors are gay, which are married, and which have a strange car in their driveway while their spouse is at work. Mark & Andrea's neighborhood is very open minded, and even though the neighborhood residents probably don't care, each resident knows everything about everyone else in the neighborhood. For Mark & Andrea living in this neighborhood has changed their lives and gives them exactly the small town feel they love while still having the benefits of living in the city.
After talking about our desire to move again, their suggestion for us was to do the same. That is move to downtown phoenix, and try it out first before moving aways. They believe it would not only change our opinion on the city but also our desire to leave. This really doesn't come as a surprise though, as Mark & Andrea have always been a big advocate of us relocating downtown ever since they moved to their neighborhood. Not only for us all to be closer again, but so that we could experience what they've come to love about their neighborhood and living downtown.
Honestly I'm not sold. Don't get me wrong, while I think what Mark & Andrea have is truly wonderful, and is a perfect fit for them, it's a borderline worst nightmare for me. I value my privacy, and I've actually been perfectly happy in not getting to know any of my current neighbors. I want to live somewhere because of the amenity's it has to offer, not because of the social aspects and friendliness of the residents. I've always viewed my neighbors as people I have to tolerate and in turn they have to tolerate me. I don't want to get to know them, I don't want to hang out with them and I certainly don't want them knowing too much about me or my life. (Yes that may sound stupid since I pretty much open myself up on this blog, however I only write what I want you to know ... so keep that in mind.) Justin and I have a several close friends, and many social acquaintances with whom we choose to hang out with, most of which are gay, with only Mark & Andrea and Don & Kris being the exceptions.
Unless I was living in a gayborhood like the Castro in San Francisco, West Hollywood in Los Angeles or Boystown in Chicago, I don't think I could have my neighbors as my friends, mainly because in a city like Phoenix, the majority of them would have completely different interests then Justin and I, and I certainly don't want to feel obligated to hang out with them just because they live across the street. Now obviously if Mark & Andrea were our neighbors that would be different, we have a history and we have fun together, but even many of our common interests have diminished since Justin and I have instead thrown ourselves headfirst into the circuit party scene, while Mark & Andrea have become more community focused.
Mark & Andrea are lucky as they were really able to embrace getting to know and hanging out with their neighbors, mainly because they all share many of the same interests, and I think that's great. I've always enjoyed the times we've gone over to their house, met and had drinks with the neighbors, and while they're all really nice people, I couldn't see that I would have much in common with many of them, other then perhaps a shared interest in alcoholic beverages.
If Mark & Andrea were a gay couple, they would be defined as what we frequently refer to as the "Dinner Party Gays" or the gay couples whose social lives revolve around the community and having small private dinner parties with their close friends and neighbors. Not that there is anything wrong with being a dinner party gay, it just couldn't be any further away from our social interests these days. My first boyfriend and I actually grew apart and broke up because while he wanted to be a dinner party gay, I was more curious and interested in getting out and exploring every aspect of the gay community. As for Justin and I, well we're on the same page here. We barely cook anymore because instead of eating we go to the gym. Justin and I don't typically hang out at straight neighbors houses, we hang out with our friends at predominantly gay bars, trendy dance clubs (which I should note that Phoenix no longer has these days), pool parties and all night after-hour parties. On the weekends we love to go out, get home late, close the blinds and sleep-in until noon. During the week spend our time at work, going to the gym, playing with Berger, and relaxing & watching a bit of TV when time permits. We usually hate people dropping by without warning, and typically our weekends are usually booked with so much out of town travel that we just don't have time or interest for anything else.
So while I know that Mark & Andrea would hate to have us leave the valley, I don't think what makes them happy is going to be the same thing that makes us happy. Our conversation with them that night really gave us a lot to think about, and I think we left their house wondering if we should just try moving downtown first.
Those thoughts carried into some discussions the next day with other friends. It seemed like a good idea to think about, but honestly it all went down the drain when we attempted to go out with friends later that night night. There were 6 of us. We had hung out all day by the pool and then decided to go out. We started with heading downtown first to a mixed club which ended up having a lineup of very sketchy looking people who were getting patted down for weapons as they entered so we declined. We then walked to check out the other bars we used to frequent on that street. Our old dance club was reopened but it was no longer gay, and was now obviously catering to a predominantly different ethnic group. The other two bars on the east side of the first one were now closed and had city notices posted on them regarding being condemned for unsafe building conditions. Great we all thought, downtown is really looking up. We then headed up to former gay bar which no one knew was now mixed and just happened to be 80's night. Again, not exactly our crowd, not to mention that the upstairs of this bar as now closed with another city condemned notice posted on the boarded up door. Lastly we then headed over to one of the more popular phoenix gay bars. It was busy but not packed and people were just standing around watching yet another boring drag show. Not really our type of crowd either. On the way out of the last bar, well before closing time, we all collectively agreed that if your gay, want to dance and not into ghetto bars, hip-hop, country music or drag queens, your pretty screwed in this city.
The bottom line here, I think Mark & Andrea are fortunate to have the interests that make living in Phoenix enjoyable. If your straight or a dinner party gay, then Phoenix is a really great place to be right now, otherwise for the rest of us, Phoenix really is boring. I was really starting to think that Justin and I were the only ones feeling this way but over the past few weeks many of our gay friends have been expressing the same feeling about Arizona and desire to leave the state. I think it's great that people love Phoenix, and enjoy it here, but it's just like the old saying "different strokes for different folks" right? For my gay friends as well as Justin and I, Phoenix just isn't a place which offers very many diverse, gay-friendly, social options which we desire.
No one knows what the future may bring. Perhaps in the next few months things will turn around for the gay community here, or I'll find a different reason to stay. Either way in this economy we're not in a position to sell our house right now, so even if we do move it won't be until next summer at the earliest. Cheers.
Wow, yes lots to think about! I can see your points Rich, and in my mind why stay somewhere that holds some great memories but isn't what you need anymore? You certainly don't have to close any doors/burn any bridges by leaving if that's what you do. That's the great thing about this; you can re-locate to an area that has what you want, and then years from now if there are reasons for you to head back to Phoenix, you still can.
By the way, thanks for the unintended "update" on Andrea and Mark, I'd wondered where they got to! LOL
|______________________________________________________________________ posted by Jude @ Thursday, June 26, 2008 3:15:00 PM
