Hello I'm Rich Brown and this is my personal website and blog. I'm just your simple, average, down to earth, professional, out gay man and aspiring circuit boy, living in Phoenix, Arizona with a few things to say while trying to find my place among all the scary, conservative, religious nuts in this sick and twisted world.
Friday, August 15, 2008
It Feels Like Being In Another Country
As I sit here propped up in bed getting ready to call it a night, I can't help to look back on my past few days here in the Pennsylvania countryside just outside of Philadelphia and think to myself that it feels almost as if I'm in a different country. It's a somewhat surreal but real feeling I get inside whenever I find myself back here where I grew up.
After living on the western side of the country for nearly 14 years now, I'm no longer used to the lush green grass, overgrown trees, winding roads, historical stone houses, yards without fences, or dismal gray skies overhead which are very typical in Pennsylvania. Being here again brings back so many fond and vivid memories of my childhood and growing up here, but yet it couldn't feel any further from what I call home these days. I was raised in this countryside, went to High School here and even came back to work during summer breaks from University until I graduated and immediately moved to Arizona.
Don't get me wrong, it's an amazing place, and I couldn't imagine growing up anywhere else, but for me now it's different. It feels different. I can't explain it. It's more of a reminder of the past rather then the future, and a reminder of how much my life has changed since living here. We drove around a bit the other day and I can no longer remember which road leads to where or who's family lives in which house. Details which were once so clear, whereas now the specifics seem to elude me for no apparent reason.
I'm staying in this house with my Mother, my Aunt and my Uncle but yet I sit here at the moment feeling so alone and isolated. This week I've seen my cousins and old friends, all very happy and content, all with children and living the American Dream. Perhaps it's just a bold reality check to think this was the life I once thought I wanted. I couldn't have been so wrong back then.
Maybe things feel so different for me now during this trip because it's one of the first times I've come back here without a purpose. I'm here at the request of my Mother to accompany her back for the first time since she moved to Arizona. I'm not here to work, I'm not here for anything specific other then to actually visit my family, which of course is wonderful for the first few days until the realization sets in that I'm essentially here alone with nothing to do. Because my friends now all have children, a fun Friday night for them consists of playtime with the kids, and no longer means going out to a trendy bar in the city for Martini's. While I love my old friends and their beautiful children, somehow it's just not the same anymore. Maybe it's a bit selfish but around here I no longer have any friends with whom to grab a drink and stay up late talking about old stories.
I guess while I do feel like I'm a little out of place, it does make me appreciate the value of growing up in such a beautiful place. It also makes me appreciate my education and the life I've made for myself out west, because aside from the beauty of the countryside, it's apparent to me in so many ways that Pennsylvania still remains somewhat rampant with racism, homophobia and misplaced ideals. It's a place where the minute I step off the plane I once again pick up a heavy Philly accent, I return to use of the word 'wooder' when referring to water, and I find myself cringing inside at the things people say out loud. Cheers!
Ah the trip east. It is the obligatory trip that we gay West Coasties all dread. I always find myself going, "Shit, people really do still live like this!" Which reminds me, my family has been bugging me to come east. Sigh.
Hope you are surviving. Have a Cheese with. ;)
|______________________________________________________________________ posted by SilentBob @ Monday, August 18, 2008 8:13:00 PM
This trip has been very insightful for you Rich, and so it had it's purpose in more ways than one. I love where I grew up out east in Canada too, but I could never live back there again.
|______________________________________________________________________ posted by Jude @ Thursday, August 21, 2008 8:42:00 AM
