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Hello I'm Rich Brown and this is my personal website and blog. I'm just your simple, average, down to earth, professional, out gay man and aspiring circuit boy, living in Phoenix, Arizona with a few things to say while trying to find my place among all the scary, conservative, religious nuts in this sick and twisted world.
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Wednesday, January 31, 2001 |
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@WORK. Wow -- What a day! I had a pretty good day so far. I'm still sitting here at work trying to finish up some things. I thought I would just take a break and write some while I had the time.
I got a chance to talk to my leasing office yesterday. They were pretty helpful after I explained my situation to them. I gave my 30-day notice today and hopefully they will rent out my apartment so that I don't have to pay a lease-break fee. I am now looking for an apartment in the city for move in around March 1st. I figured that if I didn't find anything I would just put my things into storage and stay with a friend for awhile.
So anyway I ended up going to look at another place last night after all of my meetings were finished. It almost exactly what I have been looking for. The location is perfect, as it's in Noe Valley and close to everything I like, such as restaurants, shoppe's and coffee houses. I would be sharing a 3-bedroom Victorian house with a female around my age. She just broke up with her girlfriend and was looking to share the apartment with another roommate. We seemed to hit it off ok. I was excited about the place. The room wasn't as large as I would like but it was fine. I could make it work. It had a huge bay window, hardwood floors and a great view of the hillside. Also had a brand new kitchen, washer-dryer, large dining room, living room and plenty of space.
I'm hoping that things work out. The house is great and the location is perfect.
I went to Tea last night. I was surprised as to how many people actually showed up. Justin and I went together and then afterwards when back to my place so that he could watch the latest episode of QaF which also shows on Tuesday nights at 11. I had a good time.
Ok well -- I don't have much to say today as I'm busy, so I'm going to get back to work.
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Tuesday, January 30, 2001 |
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@WORK. All I can say is that I am so tired. I was only able to get a few hours of sleep last night and it was definitely not enough. I need to get some sleep tonight before I get run down and sick.
So -- I guess I would say that I had a pretty good night aside from stressing over finances and moving.
First things first. I went to view a room for rent last night in the Richmond District. It was a nice place. The apartment was very nice, hardwood floors, pretty large and 1-block from Golden Gate park. The bedroom for rent was very spacious. Much larger then I would have thought for a room. Although I have to admit, moving to the city into a older apartment will be quite a change for me after coming from having my own apartments. Gary was the person leasing it and looking for another roommate. He was around my age and also gay. This would make things easier for me. He seemed like a great guy as well, definitely someone that I could hang out and be friends with. Anyway the problem is that the apartment is available for a February 1 move in. I am required by my leasing company to give a 30-day notice before I move out -- so there is no way financially I can swing paying for rent at my current place in the amount of $2750 as well as moving into a new place and being able to pay rent, security deposit, and moving expenses. I was not really prepared to move until March 1.
Because of my overwhelming personality Gary offered me the room last night as well. Ok well maybe I wouldn't go that far, but we did seem to click well. But after much pondering and thought, I had to let him know this morning that I was going to be unable to take it. He left me a message saying that he had another offer for me -- but I've been in meetings all day and haven't talked to him about it yet.
Even if I could take it, one downside to this apartment is it's location. The Richmond district is nice and close to the park, however it's further for me to work, and it's further from the heart of San Francisco. If I'm going to live in San Francisco I really want to live in a more metropolitan area. Somewhere I can be within walking distance to restaurants, stores and coffee shops. I'm not picky about the area, just so I feel safe and there are things close by. I think I would ideally like to live somewhere either around the Market/Castro/Noe area or maybe in a SOMA loft since all modes of public transportation are near there.
This all comes about because I no longer want to spend $2750 on rent. I was supposed to move into this apartment with D and it would have been a little easier to stomach, however since D and I broke up right before our move here, I had to stomach the rent and move in. The other deciding factor was that we had 2 dogs and this place was one of the few that allowed for them. Now that I don't have the dogs, it provides me with a great deal more flexibility then I had before.
Part of the stress of last night was when I got home to do my finances. After paying rent, car payment, car insurance, and student loans there is nothing left. Negative balance. I'm getting myself into a hole and for the money I make and the point of life I'm at, I should not be going through this. I believe this should be the least of my worries at this point. This is why I decided to move in with roommates. To make the cost of living in the bay area more reasonable. Oh well .. I guess I'll just have to stomach it for another month. I'm going to give my apartment complex the 30-day notice tomorrow and hope that they can rent it out so I can avoid having to pay a 1-month lease break fee. I should definitely be able to find a place to live around March 1, but if I don't I will just put my things into storage and move in temporarily with a friend.
So -- anyway enough of that. Following going to see this apartment, I met up with Justin for dinner. He had been wanting to take me to dinner for a while now, so we agreed on tonight. We both got dressed up. He was in a tie and looked really nice. I parked and we met up in Castro. We were going to go down to Fisherman's Wharf and go to dinner there, however by then it was already 9:30 and we were both starving so we decided to go somewhere near Union Square. We hopped on the Muni and when down to Market & Powell and walked up to the Cheesecake Factory. It was fairly late, so the crowd was dying down and we didn't have to wait very long for a table. I had never been to the Cheesecake Factory here in SF, but I have been to the one in Chicago so I knew what to expect. We had appetizer and dinner and desert it was very good. Overall we had a good time. I really enjoy spending time and talking to Justin. It felt very comfortable for us to sit and chat and laugh. I don' t know why I didn't feel this level of comfort while we were "together". I asked him after dinner why it thought it was that I felt closer to him now then the whole time we were together. His opinion was that he believed because we were not focusing on us as a couple but rather just as friends hanging out and having a good time, it made it easier and less stressful for us both. The atmosphere was more relaxed and I had a really good time.
After dinner I took Justin over to show him the area of the apartment that I looked at earlier in the evening. I wanted his opinion. He showed me some routes near there and how to get around. I still think it was slightly further then I wanted to be from the city, but I was thinking about compromise.
I then drove him back to his place in Daly City. I decide to go up for a little bit, even though it was midnight. We ended up chatting in his room for a while what I should do with my apartment and my overall fears. It was good to have someone like Justin to talk to about this. Someone who could give me an unbiased opinion and help me sort out all of the details. I ended up falling asleep there until about 4am. He had his first day back to school this morning so I decided when I awoke at 4am, to get up and go home. I didn't feel as thought I had gotten any sleep. I knew that I was going to have to go home and lay down for a while. We parted and then I went home.
It was an interesting and fun evening, but I'm tired of the stress of this apartment. I have resolved to do whatever is necessary for me to move out at the end of February. I need to do this for my own sanity and well being. First thing this morning I went to my complex leasing office and talked to one of the girls there. I needed a copy of my lease to see what penalties I would incur, and I also needed to let them know of my intentions and see what options I had. I spoke with Michelle and she was very accommodating of my situation. She told me to give my notice and hopefully they would be able to rent my apartment by the end of February. I hope they can work something out. I really don' t want to have to pay them $2750 to break the lease. What a waste of money. I need to try and find a storage unit this week so that I can start gradually moving things over there a little at a time.
Justin is coming down later and we are going down to Mountain View to hang out with our friends for the usually Tuesday tea gathering. I don't want to be out late tonight as I really feel that I need to get some sleep. Well it's been an interesting week so far. Hopefully things will slow down a little and I can get some rest.
I do have something funny. I have been finding out about more and more people that have been reading my journal. I find it slightly amusing at the number of people that are reading it on a regular basis. I sometimes don't understand why people would want to know every little detail of my life, but I enjoy it just that much more knowing that I'm not the only one who is getting anything out of this. I write because it makes me feel better and helps me to reflect a bit. I think others read it because they like to share in my experiences and feelings. To find out what is new in the life of Rich and see what drama has yet come about on this day. Maybe it's because this is real life and NOT fiction. Seems that lately with the success of such TV shows as MTV's Real World, and Survivor people want content that is "real" and not fiction. I guess that is the same as reading my journal. The content is "real" and it gives some small insight into my life. Oh well .. keep reading and I will keep writing.
Well I better get back to work ... though I'd rather crawl under my desk and sleep for a few years ...
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I really want to sit down and write but I'm not in a very good mood right now due to a number of external factors.
I desperately need to find a cheaper apartment. I'm getting myself into a hole by having to pay so much rent. Ugh.
Anyway I don't feel like writing so I'll try and catch up tomorrow.
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Ok -- so I'm cheating a bit with this entry. I'm actually writing it two days overdue, but I wanted to write it anyway.
Sunday evening I decided to have a group of my friends over to have an Queer as Folk USA marathon. Since I had all of the episodes on tape and not many of my friends have seen it I decided to invite a bunch of them over.
I was surprised at the turnout. I picked up a bunch of soda, chips and dip. We started around 5 but not everyone showed up until later. The turnout included Anthony, Bryan, Rob, Todd, Charles, Patrick, Ben, Conrad, Emory, and Rick. I also ordered out for Pizza for us all, however not much was eaten so I was left with a whole pizza in my refrigerator. I guess I'll have leftovers this week.
I have to comment on QaF USA. I really like watching this series. I know that it has been getting mixed reviews but I think it's a very honest television show. Many think that it portrays gay men in a bad way. Showing them all as drug users and sex addicts. I only have one things to say to this. The show is honest and pretty close to reality. If anyone wants to disagree with me on this I'd have to say they have been living in their own world and have not been involved in the gay community at all. Of course not everyone is a drug-user nor a sex addict, however from my experiences over the past 5 years I would have to say that a majority are at least one of them.
I think the most important and engaging part of this show is how it touches on the personal relationships that go on between friends in the gay community. Unlike the "straight" world, gay men have a unique and sometimes difficult situation. We are often best friends with the same gender we are attracted too. As everyone knows this can lead to complications, and mistaken feelings. This is true regardless, straight or gay, but we are more often put into this situation by having other gay male friends.
So as for my opinion -- I will keep watching QaF because I enjoy it. It's open and it's real. It touches on many of the issues that shows have never touched on concerning the gay community. I enjoy shows like Will and Grace, however they are merely watered down shows with versions of gay people that are able to be stomached by the rest of the heterosexual world. QaF may be more then some can handle, but it is a pretty accurate representation of the gay community ... not a watered down version to make people feel good about homosexuals.
Ok ... Anyway ... [Rich steps down from his soap box now]
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Ok -- well last night didn't turn out exactly as I expected. Go figure. You would think that I could actually have a normal night.
At first I was going to go over to my friend Anthony's but because I was stuck working later then expected, he bitched about me coming over so late and blah.. blah.. blah. I understood -- I was trying to get down to his place earlier but as usually I got caught up at work. After talking to him I just decided to head home ...
The rest of the evening was no less exciting. Lets just start off by saying that Justin and I had "the discussion". I guess I should start off by putting back into my journal what I had cut out from the 24th's entry. I didn't want Justin to see this before I got a chance to talk to him but due to some unforeseen circumstances he managed to see it anyway. Here is what I cut out ...
As far as my personal life, Justin and I are still together. We haven't actually seen that much of each other lately because of his trip to Philadelphia and my trip to Phoenix, but the space has given me some time to think about everything and decide what is best for the future. I really like Justin a great deal as a person. I think he's a wonderful guy. But it simply comes down to the fact that I think we would be better as friends then in a relationship. It all comes down to the simple fact of me being happy. I'm not happy and I don't think it would be fair to either Justin or myself to pretend that I am. I don't think that I can commit to being in a relationship with him because when it comes down to it I'm not ready for another one right now. In the beginning I really wanted to take things slow, make new friends and see what happened. I met Justin and he was a great guy. I know I let things move too fast, faster then I was comfortable with. I probably even was a factor in accelerating things. It was really nice to have someone in my life again. Justin is coming over tonight -- I think we need to have a discussion about this because I want to be happy, and I want him to be happy, and I just don't think the way things are right now is going to leave either of us happy. I really need to just focus on meeting some more friends and spending some quality time with them. I'm just not in a position in my life where I'm ready to commit to and have to answer to someone about where I'm going and what I'm doing. That may sound really harsh, but I'm just being honest with myself. Oh well -- I have to end this because I need to get out of here I have so much to do at home.
Well as it happened he called me last night as I was on my way home from work, right before I was going to head to Anthony's. He didn't seem happy. He told me his friend had mentioned to him what he had read on in my Journal from the 24th. It's ironic that his friend read this, as I decided not more then 20 minutes after I posted my journal to remove this paragraph until I had a chance to talk in person to Justin. Needless to say he wasn't very happy. This wasn't the way I wanted things to happen but they were now out in the open so we talked about them. Justin was at work so he couldn't really talk much about it. I told him to call me after work.
At 1am, Justin called. We talked some more and got everything out into the open. As a friend told me earlier -- we don't enter into a relationship with someone with the intention of hurting them -- it just sometimes happens. It's all part of the process. I know it's hard for Justin right now and frankly it's hard for me. I don't want to see him unhappy. But as I know too well, most wounds and pain heal with time. I think Justin and I will leave this as friends. I mean it when I say I really care about him and I want him in my life. It just has to change in what role we play in each others lives. I feel the role of a friend is no less important then that of a lover. Just different priorities and responsibilities. I hope that we can both take something out of this and remain friends.
I have neglected to mention Justin much in my journal. Mostly because I know that he has been reading it and I was afraid to expose my feelings to him either way. I care about Justin a great deal but I just had to be honest with him. I didn't want to hurt him or lead us into a worse situation if this went on any longer without me telling him how I felt. Oh well .. we live, we learn and we move on with our lives. I have no intention of entering into a relationship with anyone at this point. I want some time to just be me and figure out who I am and what I want. I think it's a good time and a good year to figure this out.
Well I don't really have any plans for this weekend. I was going to hopefully meet up with my other friend Anthony to catch up since we haven't seen each other in a while. He needs some cheering up as he has some guy fucking with his head. I hate when people do that. Oh well -- you'll have this I suppose.
I do need to get a few things done around the apartment. I want to get all the dog hair vacuumed up and everything washed that has dog hair left on it. This should be an all day task. I also need to start looking into storage units and apartments. I want to put some of my things into storage so that I can soon move into a cheaper place. I'm dreading moving again. I really want to move somewhere where I can settle down and stay for a while. I desperately need some stability right now. Moving is not what I want to be doing every 6 months of my life. Well see.
I'm looking forward to a good night tonight. I'm going to dinner with friends and then out to Club Asia with them. I told Anthony that I want to get drunk tonight -- so he has to drive me back home afterwards. It's been a while since I've done any drinking -- but tonight seems like a good one to loose my inhibitions.
I guess I should get back to work and get some things done before I leave in an hour. I came across a quote in an article Rob sent me a while back when we were talking about some things. I really found it to be true so with this journal entry -- I'm going to include the quote:
"... However, remember that all relationships involve compromise. Perfection is not the goal. It isn't a requirement that a partner meet all needs of the other, just enough of them. But it does have to be 'enough'..." ~some random therapist
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Thursday, January 25, 2001 |
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It was a pretty good day all around. I was able to get much accomplished at work and I proposed some new project ideas that were very well accepted. I'm happy with the overall outcome.
Anyway -- not really much interesting to write about today. It was a pretty normal day in my life. I did have a nice conversation with a friend just prior to leaving work today. It just confirms my belief that I'm not alone in the my thinking process. I suppose it's always good to know that your not crazy -- or at least not the only one that is crazy.
I'm about to head over to my friend Anthony's to hang out, have some food and watch Will & Grace. I've been trying to talk Anthony into kicking out his roommate and letting me move in with him. He indicated that he was seriously considering it. Although not literally. His roommate happens to be one of his friends so it's a touchy situation. Oh well -- I have to find a new place soon anyway.
Well it's raining and miserable out so I better get on my way. I'll write more tomorrow. Maybe it will be more of an interesting day -- especially since I'm going out with friends to dinner and then to Club Asia afterwards. I better stop my treks to Club Asia or I'm going to be in serious danger of actually being a "rice queen" -- At least that's what Anthony keeps telling me, although I adamantly deny it. I swear I judge each person on an individual basis and not target one particular group -- YEA RIGHT! Ok well, I'll just save that discussion for another day ...
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Wednesday, January 24, 2001 |
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Well I'm now back at work after my brief trip to Phoenix. I wish that I would have had more time there. It didn't seem like I had much time for anything. I had other friends that I wanted to see, but I know that this trips sole purpose was to get the dogs down to Mark and Andrea. That reminds me I have to download the pictures I took of them from my digital camera and post them.
Anyway -- it was hard to leave the dogs there on Monday night. They just looked at me with those big eyes and wondered why I was getting into the car without them. I am confident they will have a great home with Mark and they will get plenty of attention and exercise. Much more then I could provide for them right now in my life. There is some value in knowing that I can see them whenever I want.
So it turned out that I got a chance to spend some time with Rob on Monday afternoon. I went over to his house after he was done work. I finally got to see his house and he 2 dogs. It's a really nice place. I'm so impressed at the work he as done to fix it up. It was nice to finally sit and talk as friends. I think that time has healed many of the wounds and we can now laugh about things. We both agreed that it was nice to have each other in our lives again, even if just as friends. As much as I still care about him, I think that we make better friends at this point. Our lives have taken two different paths over the past few years, but after talking to him, I can see actually how much I've changed and actually moved closer to his path. I guess I just needed to get all of my issues worked out. Regardless it was nice to see and talk to him. I feel he is now one of the few people in my life that I could talk to about anything. Since we know each other so well advice on either side is extremely well taken and usually very pointed and accurate. I'm happy that I got the opportunity to see him again. It's been too long.
The drive back home was a nightmare. I left at midnight but didn't actually get back to SF until around 7pm on Tuesday evening. I ran into traffic in Los Angeles in the morning which delayed me by about 3 hours. I also decided to stop along Hwy 5 and rest for a while which turned into another 2 hours as I fell asleep while resting. So needless to say I was ready to finally get home.
It's strange without the dogs around. I don't think it has quite hit me yet. I've wondered where they were a few times yesterday and today, forgetting for a moment that they are no longer in SF. For example when I got out of the shower I was so used to them coming into the bathroom to lick me and when I got out today they obviously were not there. It took me a second. I do have to admit though, it's nice not having to take them out in the morning when I'm in a rush to get to work. It's also nice not to worry about getting home at any particular time. It worked out well for us all.
While I was driving yesterday I was having mixed emotions about the future. If it were not for my job, I would really be tempted to move back to Phoenix. I'm so tired of how expensive it is here in the bay. I think maybe if I can just find some other living arrangements I will be fine. It's just frustrating and I know that I can live very well in Phoenix and not take too much of a drop in pay. There was a reason that I left Phoenix in the first place, but I used to be very happy there. I think maybe I talked myself into hating Phoenix because other things in my life were not going well at the time. Who knows. Mark, Andrea, Don and others have been trying to get me to move back and I have to admit it would be nice to be around good friends again. But as much as these thoughts go through my mind, every time I get back to SF I know why I am here. For some reason I feel at home here. I don't really want to move back, as there is so much to do, and I love it here. If it were just a little cheaper to live everything would be much better.
Overall it was a good trip, too short, too long of a drive, but I was glad to see everyone again. I'm not happy to be back at work, well not because I don't like my company .. just because I'm tired of work in general. But hey -- who isn't right?
So I also wanted to discuss the "revelation" that I had the other day. I don't really want to get into the circumstances of what happened, but lets just say that someone made a comment to me that they felt was just normal, but I thought it was very rude. Because of this and a few other circumstances involved, I decided that I didn't want to talk to this person any more. After ignoring and not returning his phone calls this person left me a message saying that he can't believe that I'm ignoring him and he thought I was different. Well this is when I believe I actually realized one of the most important things I've been overlooking my whole life -- the fact that the only person I need to make happy in this world is myself. This may sound really stupid, but it's not. I have always worried about what other people thought of me, I've always tried to be polite to people and not hurt their feeling. If I didn't want to talk to someone or do something with someone I would always come up with a good excuse of why I didn't and spend time explaining my reason to that person. I had to finally ask myself why? I have reached the conclusion that in the grand scheme of things it doesn't really matter. I don't know why I've been going out of my way trying to make everyone else happy at the expense of my own emotions. So thus I have come to grasp with the simple concept of "fuck 'em" I just don't care what people think anymore. If they think I'm an asshole because I'm living my life and not putting up with garbage from them then that's too bad. I'm going to make sure I'm truly happy from now on and I'm not going to worry about tiptoeing around everyone so that I don't hurt their feelings. So much has happened in the last year that I think it's time for ME. Time to be happy with myself, time to have friends that don't judge me, don't criticize me, and time to do what I want. Ok -- enough of that little tangent. Anyway I just wanted to get to my point that I realized I am not here to worry about others .. just myself.
Life for me is going well. I can't say at this point that I have any major complaints other then the cost of living here in SF. I'm happy with my job and for the most part I'm happy with me and where my future is leading. I need to make some minor changes in my life and then I will be even better.
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Wow -- I've been getting bad about writing again. Anyway it's been a very long week for me. I'm so amazed that I was able to get my part of the project done at work by Friday. It took me to stay until 1am on Thursday night but it was worth it on Friday when I showed it too my manager. I think he was impressed with the extra functionality that I put into the application. It's always such a great feeling of accomplishment when I get a major task accomplished. I left work on Thursday night feeling really good about myself and proud that I was able to learn so much this week to put it all together.
On Wednesday night on dinner break from the VSLive conference I was able to have dinner with my manager. He said that he was really happy with what I've been doing and would like me to start taking more of a management role in the group. I am already the lead on this project but now the company is giving Eric more people and responsibility and I guess he would like my help with the management of the people directly related to my project. I can see that I'm starting to slowly move from my role of a senior software engineer to more of a product/project manager. This transformation is fine with me because I really and getting tired of being technical and would love to assume a more distanced position from the majority of development. I'm excited to see what the future brings. I'm really happy with my company and my job right now. I'm glad because I haven't felt this way in a while.
So anyway -- I'm in Phoenix now. It was a long drive down on Friday night. I packed up all the of the puppies worldly possessions and set off with them around 9pm. I made very good time and was in Los Angeles around 2am. I am grateful to Mark and Andrea because we talked on the cell phone for several hours of the drive which made it go much faster. At one point I almost ran out of gas because I was not paying attention to the gas gauge but rather chatting away with Andrea and all of a sudden my gas light came on. This means that I had approximately 20 miles left until I ran out of gas. Well anyone who has driven down Hwy 5 knows that the gas stations are approximately 40 miles apart. I had no idea when the last gas station was or when the next one was going to appear. Thankfully I was about 3 miles from running out of gas when I finally came upon one. Talk about being nervous. I thought I was going to have to call AAA to come and bring me gas. Once I got to Los Angeles I only had 5 more hours of driving until I would get to Phoenix. I think I dread the drive from Los Angeles to Phoenix more then any other drive. It's so boring and I've done it so many times that there is really nothing much to look at, especially at 3am in the morning. I made it to about an hour outside of Phoenix before I decided to stop for a little bit to rest. I made this decision because as I was driving I suddenly woke up from a dream that I was having ... ugh .. I fell asleep and I have know idea for how long .. all I know is that I was still in the lines and driving. I think it was really only for a second or two, but I knew that I couldn't chance getting into an accident, so I decided to stop at the next rest stop and sleep for an hour until it was light outside.
Ok so I'm at the rest stop after my hour nap. I get ready to go and when I go to start the car it doesn't start. Oh god ... I left the lights on the whole time. So anyway -- thank god there were a few state workers doing some clean up work at the rest stop, I had one of them give me a jump. This is the third time in 3 months I've left my lights on. Ever since I got the Xterra in September I keep doing this. You would think that by 2001 they could have an auto-shutoff built into ALL cars. So once this was out of the way I proceeded to complete my drive to Phoenix.
I'm happy to be here to see my friends once again, but I'm not excited about Phoenix itself. I remember why I liked it so much when I first moved here, but I'm not sure that I would be happy moving back here. I really have grown to like the bay area in the past 4 months. It's just so much cheaper here in Phoenix to live. I often think about moving back.
It was really great to see Mark and Andrea again. It's been almost a year since I've seen them. The last time was when D and I were living in Phoenix and they came out to visit from Pittsburgh, Pa where they moved back to the past year. I miss having friends like them more accessible to me on a daily basis. Zach and Koda made themselves right at home here and seemed to fit in very well. Mark and Andrea are so excited to have them and I can tell that I've made the right decision. Already since yesterday Mark has taken them out for a long walk 3 times. The dogs seem very content with them and enjoy all the attention. Since Andrea works from home they will be able to spend time around the apartment without being confined to the crate as it was while I was at work every day. I'm starting to get a bit sad about letting them go, but I'm happy that they will have a great home with my friends. At least I will be able to seem them from time to time and know how they are doing.
Last night Mark, Andrea, Don, and I went to Tucson to see the Broadway presentation of Rent. It was a great performance. I haven't been to see a play in quite some time and this was very refreshing. Their voices were amazing and they received a standing ovation at the end. It was a good time had by everyone. We then went to have dinner at the only open restaurant we could find in Tucson, which turned out to be a quaint Latin style restaurant with a limited menu. The food was very good, we had a few drinks, but the conversation was great. It brought back memories of so many times past when we could all sit and have such a good time talking and laughing and just enjoying ourselves without worry of anything else that was going on in the world. Sometimes I miss this in my life. I'm glad that I have been able to spend some time like this again.
I guess I'm going to be heading back on Monday night and Andrea is going to drive back with me to keep me company. They bought a ticket for her to fly back to Phoenix from SFO on Tuesday. That was very nice of them. I can't say that I won't enjoy the company. I can seem to talk to Andrea for hours. At least the drive won't be boring.
I was supposed to go over and visit Rob today. I called him but he wasn't home. He's been so very active lately with hiking and doing all kinds of things. I'm happy for him. I'll try and call him later again and maybe seen him after dinner. I know that we were all planning on going out to a nice restaurant here in Phoenix for dinner.
Well I better cut this off now. I have some more to write but I don't want this entry to get overly long. Just so I don't forget .. I had something happen to me the other day that really irritated me and made me realize one important thing about life. I think I'll save that until next time.
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Wow -- I feel like I haven't written in a while. I guess it has been a few days.
Well my company had their holiday party last night. It was a boat dinner/dance cruise on the bay from Pier 39. It was great. The ship was pretty large with 3 levels. There were a total of about 250 people there. We sailed out into the bay and had a great view of the city during dinner. I'm glad I went and I had a good time. Would have been nicer if I had a date, but oh well -- it was fun regardless.
So this week is going to be a hectic week for me. I have a lot of work to do before I leave for Phoenix this weekend. I'm hoping to be able to leave on Friday morning so that I can get there at a reasonable time on Friday night. Hopefully I'll get everything done at work.
This trip to Phoenix this weekend is one of mixed emotions. I'm really dreading the drive down there. hate that 11 hour drive. I will be so drained. But in turn I'm very excited about seeing all of my old friends again. It's been a while since I've seen some of them. I'm also excited about seeing Rob again. I don't know why, but I always get nervous when it comes to him. I guess I'll still always care what he thinks about me. Oh well ... it will be nice to see everyone.
So once I'm back from Phoenix I have to start looking for a new apartment. I'm not sure if I want to live in the city or down near work. I have always wanted to move to SF but I don't know if it would be the best decision for me or not. I guess it can't hurt to try.
Oh well -- I have to get some things done and grab some food. I guess I'll try and continue this later.
Labels: Holidays
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Thursday, January 11, 2001 |
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Ugh .. that is about all I have to say for today. What an extremely frustrating and long day. I just got home at 10pm.
I'm so swamped with work right now that I'm probably going to have to work on Sunday.
Well at least we have the company holiday party in San Francisco on Saturday night so that should be fun!
I don't feel like writing much tonight, I'll try and catch up this weekend
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Tuesday, January 09, 2001 |
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I had forgotten how much I really enjoyed writing until I started again recently. It helps me to focus my thoughts.
Well, overall I can't complain about today. I had a really great day. Work went faster then I could ever imagine. I'm on a pretty strict deadline to get my part of the application I'm working on finished by early next week in time for the release date I've been imposed. I rather prefer when I'm busy at work. It makes the day go by faster and helps me to learn more. I actually think I learned more today then I have in the last 2 months. I always enjoy when I'm learning, as it makes me feel like I've accomplished something. I didn't end up leaving work until 9pm tonight, but I felt as if I had gotten so much accomplished. Tomorrow will be another long day. Oh well -- we do what we can.
Tonight was my usual Tuesday night gathering with the friends for Tea. I always enjoy seeing everyone on Tuesday nights. It's nice to have a regular night when you can sit and chat with friends and take your mind off of the rest of your life. I'm glad that I've been fortunate to meet some great people since I've been here in San Francisco.
It also seems that lately Friday nights are turning into a regular hang out night for us all as well. We made plans again this week to get together, go somewhere for dinner, and then head out to a club for a while. It should be fun. My friends are always fun when we all get together and do something, no matter how trivial an event.
The one thing that is really irritating me is that I seem to have so many personal things that I need to get done but have been putting off. God, my apartment is a mess and I just feel like I've had no time to do anything. The weekends come and go, and my mess still is here. I wish time would slow down a bit. I think I just need another 20 hours in a day. Oh well one of these days I'll be able to get everything done, but hell -- I probably be retired by then.
Well this is going to be brief tonight. I'm getting tired and I have another long day at work to look forward to again tomorrow. No rest for the weary I guess ...
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Well today was totally an unproductive day for me. I opted to stay and work from home instead of actually go into the office. I did get a few things done work related, but even less done then I really wanted to do. I really have to stop staying up late. I cannot seem to force myself to get out of this terrible sleeping schedule that I've gotten myself into.
Well, I found out first thing this morning via e-mail that D was now stressing about taking the dogs and was now going to be unable to take them. I can't believe that he is going to totally flake on me after he's been making me promise to take care of the dogs until he found a place. I guess I should have just figured to not count on him from the start.
It was strange today. I think the puppies can tell that something is going on. All they could do was look at me with those big puppy dog eyes tonight. Granted this was in between running around the apartment like wild animals, but that is besides the point. If I had a yard and a choice, I wouldn't give them up. It is just in their best interest to go somewhere where they can have a place to run and a better home. I just don't feel that I can commit enough time to them right now. I again knew that when D and I got them, it was probably the wrong decision.
Anyway I had a conversation with one of my best friends in Phoenix today. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that Mark and Andrea will take the dogs. They say they really want to, but it depends on their what their roommate Trisha says tomorrow. I'm hoping that Trisha will do me this favor and let them take the pups. They would be so much better off back in Phoenix with Mark and Andrea. Also I'd at least get to seem them again once and a while. I'll just keep praying for that one.
So I had two interesting conversations today. One with Justin and one with Mark and Andrea this evening. I'll just not discuss the conversation with Justin because I'm not quite sure how to discuss it. I will however, discuss the 2nd one. I can't believe that we were on the phone for almost 2 hours. I absolutely love talking to Mark and Andrea. They are 2 of my very best friends in the world. I miss being able to hang out with them and spend those long nights drinking wine and staying up late just laughing and talking. I don't think you ever really realize how important a friendship is until they tell you they love you and miss you. You know -- friends can come and go, we all go through stages and grow apart, but it is all worth it when you have those few special friends in life that you know will not judge you, will be there for you whenever you need them, and you can feel comfortable enough to say -- "Hey -- I really love you guys -- and I mean it" I haven't really felt that bond with many people since leaving college, so I'm glad that I have Mark and Andrea in my life. They make me laugh, I make them laugh and I miss them dearly.
Again I was thinking about Dad today. Sometimes I find it hard to not get emotional about him. There are small things that trigger these thoughts. I think I will go through this for a while. I'm not really hurting .. I'm just sad and I miss him. That feeling will probably never go away but I'm trying not to be selfish. I know he is not suffering anyone. None the less -- it still does not diminish the fact that he is not here with us now. Oh well ... I miss you Dad! Are you listening to me?
I'm in one of those weird moods again. One of those moods where I'm not sure what I want out of life. Sometimes I feel so certain on where my life is going and what I want. Other times I feel like I'm in a total daze and don't have a clue. I think I'm in that daze again. I mean -- I want to be happy, doesn't everyone? I think this time I am probably keeping myself from being happy. I just seriously need to think about what I'm doing and where I'm going. Ugh .. god I think I really just want to scream out loud. I somehow doubt that will help.
I guess I will discuss Justin at bit here. I sometimes feel really bad for him because I know that he is trying so hard, and I can sometimes just be a total bastard to be with. God knows that I'm a moody one, just ask Rob or D about that. It just goes back to me being in a daze and not knowing what I want. I know that I can not expect someone else to make me happy. I know that for certain. I know that I am the only one that can make myself happy and only when I'm at that point can I be truly ready to fully let someone else into my life. I'm holding back with Justin. I know it. I am staying pretty closed up. Honestly I don't think I'm ready just yet to let someone else back into my life in that way. Especially not emotionally. I thought I was ready until all of this happened with my father. Now I am barely holding everything together as it is, that I don't think I have enough emotional strength to deal with the strains of trying to work on a relationship. I don't know. Who does know. I guess if we did know it all, there would be really no point of any of it would there? No I guess not. Only time will answer these questions.
You know there is one thing that is bothering me. Well it's not really something that's bothering me but something that I wanted to write about but have not yet done so. Something special that I noticed the other day. It was something so subtle that I doubt anyone else even noticed it. Two friends of mine are in a relationship. They haven't been together that long, however them seem to get along great, and they also seem really happy together. I was fortunate enough to be in a situation where I watched something very special happen with them. Myself and a few friends were on the Muni headed back from seeing a movie downtown. It was very crowded and we were all standing in the aisle. These 2 were standing there talking about something. It was not really anything of importance, just small conversation. They both nodded a few times in agreement of each other comments.
Then that is when it happened.
They stopped talking but yet did not look away. They continued to gaze into each others eyes for a long period of time ... and I watched as this was happening. I think they were totally unaware of anything else around them. Their gaze to each other slowly turned to a small simile on the face of each of them. It was amazing to see. It sounds like such a trivial thing, but watching it as an outsider made me realize and see how happy they were to be together at that moment. It was as if nothing had to be said to each other. That the gaze and the smile was enough to tell the other person how much he meant. As the smiles continued, my friend just gracefully put his arm around the waist of the other, and they both turned to see what the rest of the world was doing. I seriously believe that for them, those few brief seconds, time stopped .. and I saw it happen.
Well it's getting late .. I think I better end this here.
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Well this is my first journal entry of the new year. I can't believe that I haven't written in so long. It's just so difficult sometimes to force myself to sit and write. Blah..blah..blah.. this is the same thing I've been yelling at myself for every year. I think 2000 was the worst though. I didn't really write at all. Maybe I'll try and make a promise to myself to write more often this year.
So what is there to write about? Hmmm .. well I've been thinking about Dad a great deal lately. I know it's not very productive, but I miss him. I miss our conversations. I miss his advice, support and laughter. I never realized how much of a friend he had become to me until recently.
Looking back on 2000, I'm not sure if I would classify it as a good year or a bad year. I guess it had it's good parts and it's bad parts. 2000 will be remembered by me as the year that I "almost" built a house in Phoenix. The year that D and I broke up. The year that I "found" and moved to San Francisco. The year that my father died. The year that I turned 30. The year that I finally realized that I have still not found true love again. I guess overall it was an interesting year, but I'm really looking forward to this year to see what comes about.
So what do I have planned for myself for this new year? Well as I told some of my friends, I don't really believe in making New Year's resolutions. I feel them to be very unproductive and hard to keep. I have a tendency to make more of "Birthday" resolutions so that every birthday I can look back and see if it was a good year and if I did anything I wanted to in the last year. I guess either is the same, I just choose a different time to do them. I didn't really make any birthday resolutions so I guess I'll make my New Years resolutions now.
I want to learn some new things this year. Something different, not something technology related. I want to start learning how to play the piano. I want to take a photography class. I want to take an American Sign Language class. I guess I better stop listing my wants or I'll be here all day. These are the three things I have decided that I really want to do this year.
As for myself, I have decided that it is a good year to work on building some strong personal relationships. When D and I were together in Phoenix, I let myself withdraw from all of my friends. I couldn't see what I was doing. I kept justifying it based on the fact that I was building a relationship with D. Well I can see now how mistaken I was to let this happen. When I realized that D did not like any of my friends or being a social person, I should have moved on right there. I need my friends and I need to have a social life. I have sworn to myself that I will never let that happen again. I've lectured people on this point before, and I went and did it myself. No matter what happens in life, you friends will be there for you. Dates and boyfriends will come and go, but we all need some good strong friendships to get through both the good and the bad times together.
Well enough about that anyway. I'm not sure what turn my life is about to take. D has decided to move to Sacramento and has offered to take the dogs with him. I'm going to let him take them in the hopes that they will have a better life with a yard rather then being cramped in this apartment all the time. I will miss them, but they will be better off and truthfully I will be better off. Once he takes them I can finally move to the city, where I've wanted to live from the start. I'll discuss more about this later.
Ok well .. anyway I think that is enough for now. I feel a little better as I always do once I start writing again. Hopefully I can do this a bit more often.
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