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Hello I'm Rich Brown and this is my personal website and blog. I'm just your simple, average, down to earth, professional, out gay man and aspiring circuit boy, living in Phoenix, Arizona with a few things to say while trying to find my place among all the scary, conservative, religious nuts in this sick and twisted world.
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Tuesday, February 13, 2001 |
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@ Work
So anyway -- yesterday was a blow out. Just one of those days I guess. Anyway -- I'm feeling much better today. I basically blew off work yesterday and went to the movies with Justin. We saw the Wedding Planner. It was pretty good. Very predictable and much like all the rest of those types of movies. It was cute anyway.
I had to go to the eye doctor in the afternoon to get my eyes examined. Not that I really needed my eyes examined but for some stupid reason they won't give you new contacts unless you have a new prescription. Ugh. Regardless, I now have a new prescription and a new pair of contacts. These should last me for a few weeks. I have to get out and buy some new ones.
The funny part was when she asked me how often I change my contacts. I replied "oh I don't know about every month or two -- depends on when I feel like they are bothering me ..."
Lets just say I think she almost fell over.
She proceeded to tell me "You know they are disposals and are supposed to be changed every week or two at the most".
I then replied to her "Yes I know that but I'm just trying to get more bank for my buck and save some money"
She just stared at me and shook her head. She knew it would be useless to tell me otherwise because no matter what I'm only going to change them when I feel like I need to. Ha!
As for my weekend, it was rather uneventful. I did manage to get a great deal of packing done. Although it seems that I still have a lot of things left to pack. I hate packing and I hate moving. I can't believe that I'm on a cycle of moving about every 6 months. I've been on this cycle since I moved to Phoenix in December of 1994. So from 1994 to the present I have moved every 6 months on a regular basis. I have never finished a lease in full. I've either transferred to a new apartment, a complex or just broken the lease all together. This has to stop soon. I really want to settle down.
Justin and I saw Hannibal on Friday night at the 12pm IMAX showing. I was not impressed with this movie. It was overly gory and showed to many images that were totally unnecessary. They have all this computer animation that is possible now but I just do not think that people are ready to handle the gore. Some things are better just left to the imagination. I thought the movie would have been more like the first one. Silence of the Lambs was well done. It was suspenseful and not overly horrific. Hannibal really lacked that amount of suspense and was simply too graphic to actually enjoy. Well that is just my opinion anyway.
On Saturday, Justin and I had dinner at my place and watched a movie. It was a quiet night at home.
So I guess tonight I'm going to meet up with Justin and we are going to go to Mountain View to hang out with others for tea. I enjoy going to hang out with these guys but I'm starting to think that every week is a bit much. Maybe just because it seems so far to drive all the time. Once I move to the city I will probably stop going down and do more things around the city.
Ok -- well I'm going to make this a short one. I have some things to get done here at work before I go home.
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Monday, February 12, 2001 |
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@ a random location
I know there is a reason for everything in life. I don't doubt that. There has to be ...
Imagine hearing the worst possible news that someone could tell you ... what is it? So many people have so many answers to this question. You never really think about it until someone tells you something you really don't want to hear.
Whenever you are down and think that life can't get any worse, trust me -- there is always someone around to give you information that can make your pathetic life even worse then it already is.
Whenever you start to feel comfortable with yourself and forget that you are actually gay and different from the rest of the world, there will always be some stupid heterosexual there to remind you that you are gay and you are different. Oh well.
As for me -- I believe that life is what we make of it.
Life is too short for anyone to take for granted. I believe in living life to the fullest and making the most of it. Well ... tick .. tock .. time is moving .. I better quit wasting my time and get busy living.
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Friday, February 09, 2001 |
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@ Work
Finally -- Friday has arrived. Although I have to admit this week went pretty fast.
I went to dinner in the city with Justin again. I always seem to go to the city. I'll be so happy when I can finally live there. It will save me the time and gas of driving back and forth. After dinner we came back and watched Green Plaid Shirt. So much for a happy movie -- turned out to be a movie about the life of a couple where one of the partners was dying from AIDS as well as several of the friends. It was pretty good. Not one of my favorites though.
So for tonight I'm going to see Hannibal. Some of my friends are going to dinner and then out to the movie early but I just didn't feel like going through the whole ordeal of meeting up for dinner and then to the movie. I really am just in the mood to take a break from everyone right now. I may meet up with 2 other people for dinner, but they are a couple and I enjoy talking to them, so that wouldn't be bad. I just don't want to be in a large group tonight and listen to the ramblings of certain people.
Well anyway -- not much else interesting has been going on. I have to do some packing this weekend and go through al the junk in my garage. That should be interesting.
Oh -- so someone walked into the office today and stole some things. Pretty NOT funny. I guess I have to stop leaving things like my cell phone and Palm laying out on my desk. Ugh it's so pathetic that your office isn't even safe from things like this.
Oh well -- back to work for me....
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Wednesday, February 07, 2001 |
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@HOME. Finally a night at home to relax. I'm sitting here with my legs propped on the desk and watching television. I can finally sit here uninterrupted and get caught up with my writing.
I'm a little disappointed that I didn't have more time to write yesterday. I really had much more to write, but so much came up at work that I just couldn't get any time to pursue my thought process. I'm in a different mood tonight so this will probably be a long entry.
The Room in San Francisco
Justin and I went to see house again in Noe Valley where I have decided to move. I have been stressing an unnecessary amount lately because I was afraid that the room was not going to be large enough. Justin wanted to take a look at the place and I wanted to see it again for my own peace of mind. Before I went I decided to measure my current room and match it against the measurements of the new room once I was able to measure it. My current room is about 12' x 14'. After getting to the city and measuring the new room I was surprised to find out they are both about the same size. The new room is around 12' x 13'. There is really only about a foot or so difference in the length between my current room and the new room. This makes me feel a great deal better as I know that I can fit my things into that room. I think if I arrange the room properly I will even have enough room to put my futon in there near the bay window.
After looking at the house again I feel that I am making the right decision. I am very satisfied with the location. It will give me the ability to be near shops, restaurants, and coffee shops -- both straight and gay. I will finally be able to walk to do things. I'm so excited about all of this. Ann Marie is also really great. I'm glad I was able to talk to her again. Justin seemed to think she was really nice and that we would get along well. She has a 7 year old dog. It's a lab mixed with rottie and shepard named Sierra. It will be nice to have a dog around for company. The place is great and It will give me the chance to finally live in the city. This is what I've wanted to do for a while now. I guess I can finally stop stressing now about the housing situation.
Public Storage
I went on Monday and rented a storage facility here in Foster City. I decided to get a 10' x 10' storage unit. I could probably fit everything I need into a 10' x 5' but I didn't want to take the chance and I also want to have enough room to be able to get to things once they are in there. The price was only $20 difference, so I just decided to go with the larger one. By the time I pay rent and storage fee, I'm still saving over $1000/month total so I can't really complain. As I start to get things packed up, I'm gradually going to start taking things over to the unit. Thank god that I have an SUV. I knew I would find a good reason for having it.
Packing My Things
I have gradually started to pack up my apartment. In a way I think this move is good for me because I am finally forced to seriously look at many of the things I've been saving and wonder why I still have them. I have a garage full of items that I haven't touched since I moved here in October. In lieu of moving these things over and over, I'm going to go through them this weekend to see what I can do without. I think if I start packing everything now -- this move will be relatively easy when it gets to the end of the month. I wish that I didn't have to do the move in one day -- but hopefully I will have everything I'm not taking with me into storage before the end of the month. This will give me an idea of what it will take to get everything over to the new place. I'm probably going to have to rent a small UHaul truck to get everything over there. I don't think I'll be able to fit my bed into the SUV.
Justin and I
So once again Justin and I spent time together last night. We went to see the house first. As I said before, Justin really liked it. He was very encouraging of me to take it. Following this we went out to dinner to Fuzio, my favorite pasta restaurant on Castro. Dinner was really good and we even had dessert. After dinner we wandered around town a bit and then ended up at Tower again. I hate going into that place because I always find some movie or cd to spend money on. Ever since I bought my DVD player I really hate to buy VHS tapes, but some movies just do not come on DVD. I decided to purchase Maurice and the Joy Luck Club. These are two movies that I've wanted and have not been able to find anywhere else. I was happy to find them at Tower. I also found the Cream Anthems 2000 cd upstairs. Since I just bought the 2001 edition the other day -- the 2000 edition was the only one I was missing. I have the entire set from 1997. It's a compilation dance / trance import from London. There is always cutting edge music on these cd's. Someone back in Phoenix first introduced me to Cream Anthems back when I seriously started to go out to the dance clubs.
Anyway -- back to Justin and I. After our trek to the city we came back to my place where we always end up. We decided to watch the Cell. I had bought this move a while ago, but had not watched it. It was a seriously disturbing movie. I don't know if I would watch it again or not. We both were having a hard time staying awake for the movie but managed to see the entire movie. Following the movie we turned in for the night.
I think I've finally hit the point where I really don't want to hear anyone's opinion regarding my relationship with Justin. We get along great, I love spending time with him, and I feel closer to him then any of my other friends. Justin and I share a unique relationship and I have decided that if I want to spend time with him -- I'm going to. We both seem to have fun and enjoy our time together, so what does it matter to anyone else what our status is anyway. As long as we are both adults and agree to spending time together, and we both enjoy it -- then that should be enough.
I mentioned the other day in my Journal about someone asking me if they could "move in for the kill" with Justin. I've really been thinking about this and it bothers me that this person could be so rude, course and insensitive. I do not consider this person a friend and I'm slightly irritated over the whole thing to begin with. When I talked to Justin about it, surprisingly he had an idea of who it was already. I guess this person has been showing up at Justin's work lately. I can't believe how some people act. In the grand scheme of things I suppose these are the events that make life interesting.
Friendship
Among all of the other things on my mind lately, another one has been that of friendship. I just don't know where I stand with friends. I think right now in San Francisco, Justin is the closest friend that I have. I really feel like I can talk to him and he listens. Sometimes he doesn't even say anything -- but just the fact that he listens is enough. I guess what is bothering me about the friendship issue is that I do not feel as if I have made any really strong bonds with anyone here. Sure I have a great deal of people whom I would call my friends, but they are all merely social friends. We get together, hang out, have fun and do things socially. Almost always in a group. There is never really much one on one interaction between my group of friends. I don't feel as if I have people in my life that I can count on or just sit and talk to about anything.
When I was in Phoenix I had a circle of friends that were very close. We used to be able to sit for hours and just talk about things. About life. Maybe even about nothing in particular. It was just enough for us to spend time together. We could enjoy each other on a level above surface interaction and discussion. There was a bond there. I knew that I could count on these people. We all knew we could discuss anything with each other and none would judge or criticize. If any of us ever needed anything our group would never turn a deaf ear but rather ask how they could help. That relationship with these friends still exists for me, however being so far away it's hard to experience the strong bond that we all had. This what I am missing in my life.
What I guess is bothering me is that I don't know if this type of friendship is normal or rare. I don't seem to be able to form this type of both with anyone other then Justin here in San Francisco. It always seems as if people here have to be doing something. It can never be anything as simple as going to someone's house and just conversing, but rather has to be something on the grand scale such as dinner, movies, dancing. All in the same evening. It's a great group of people that I hang out with here -- but there is just a lack of personal relationships that I so desire from a circle of friends. I have decided to take a little break from everyone. I need some time to decided how I want to approach this. I don't know if I should just accept things as they are or move on with my life. I guess time will tell for now. I certainly don't want to think I just hang out with these people just to tide me over until I find something better .. but more and more it feels that way. In a way this isn't leading to me being any happier. I think I am going to start focusing more on myself and doing the things I want to do rather then doing a group activity just for something to do.
Changes in My Life
Now that I have decided to move into the city, I have also decided it would be a good time to make some other changes in my life. I've been writing on a regular basis and I'm proud of that fact. It is something that every year I say I'm going to start doing, but now I've finally been keeping up with it. As for the other changes -- I really want to start reading more again. I have so many books unfinished and unread. I really enjoy reading and once I move I'm going to start taking more time to myself to sit and read rather then wasting my time with other pointless activities such as internet chat or television. Another change that I'm going to make is my level of physical activity. Just the fact of moving to the city will increase my activity level by allowing me to walk more to do the things I enjoy. I also want to start on a workout routine so that I can get my body back into good shape. I don't feel that I'm in bad shape now, but I do know that I could stand to lose a few pounds, increase some muscle mass, and get some definition. I want to be one of those 30-something year olds that is still turning the heads of the crowd. I think I have the potential for a really great body if I would just work at it a bit harder.
So in other words I guess what I'm saying is that once I move I'm going to take more time for myself. I think of everything I've learned recently it's that I need more of this. I owe it to me to enjoy life and do what is going to make me happy. Since the current course of activities does not seem to be doing that -- I'm going to try a different approach and focus on me and see where that takes me. I'm looking forward to moving and getting motivated to do more things.
The Mindless Internet
When I'm single I always seem to go through this Internet phase. I chat on the Internet, I read through the personal ad's and I even post personal ads. This usually continues until I get bored with it, or I end up in a relationship with someone. Once that occurs -- I tend to not involve myself in these things. I think it is going to end more quickly this time because my tolerance and patience is lower then it has been in a long time.
First let me discuss internet chat. I really find Internet chat such as IRC or Gay.com to be a waste of my time anymore. It is always the same conversations. It is always the same people looking for sex. It is always the same mindless chatter. When was the last time someone has actually had a truly meaningful and though provoking conversation in a chatroom. Usually it is simply chatter about nothing in particular and a way for people to waste time. I'm trying to avoid wasting my time anymore with this. I feel that I just get frustrated and feel even worse when I leave the chat room. People are rude, boring and have no manners online. I find that contact with people through a long and well thought out email can be much more fulfilling then the non-personal chat rooms.
Next are the personal ads. I have looked through these ads, and even placed them in the past. I've found some interesting people and received many interesting responses, but in general I'm not sure this is a productive way to meet people. There has to be a better way to meet other people with whom you have things in common. I did meet both D and Justin from personal ads and I'm grateful for having the opportunity to meet them, but maybe I was just lucky in that aspect. I think when people place a personal ad they have the tendency to over inflate their image and themselves in general. I can't understand why people don't want to be honest about themselves and who they are. Do people actually think it is ok to say things that aren't true? Do people believe that if they meet someone they are interested in based on a lie, that the person they meet will overlook the fact that the poster was not completely honest in the personal ad? I just can't understand this mindset. For this reason I find myself thinking it is a waste of time to scan through the personal ads.
I actually has someone ask me once why I was looking through the personal ads and why I would ever place a personal ad. Their exact words were ".. you are very attractive and such a nice guy to be so desperate as to use the personals ..." Now I know this is just one persons opinion -- but you know when you hear things like this over and over it becomes hard to ignore after a while.
Maybe I'm totally wrong about the personal ads and will change my opinion on this -- but at this very minutes I seem to have the mindset of them being a waste of my time.
For Now ...
Well I've been writing for a while now. I think it's time to take a break from the computer and watch some TV before I get to bed. I'll write more tomorrow. It should be an interesting day.Labels: Travel
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Tuesday, February 06, 2001 |
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@WORK. I'm a bit tired today. Every day during the week I never can seem to get enough sleep. I have to stop relying on the weekends to sleep all day because it is really limiting my free time when I don't get out of bed on Saturday until 1pm. Anyway enough of that.
So -- Happiness -- Let's discuss this concept. What is happiness? What makes someone happy? What makes me happy?
When I started writing in my journals back in 1991, I did so because it provided me an outlet for stress. A way to help me clear my thoughts and mind. A way for me to get out of my head what I really wanted to say. Ultimately I write because it makes me happy. There are so few things in a persons life that make them happy. I guess my biggest question to myself is does happiness come from the things we have or the things we do? Or maybe is it a combination of both? I think the only person that can honestly answer this question is myself. I have engaged in conversation with many people regarding this question, but everyone has a different viewpoint.
Only I myself can define what it is that is going to make me happy. I am at a point in life where I want to be happy and I'm striving to find that which will do so. I'm not so sure that material possessions are something that is going to do that. Granted I can be somewhat materialistic, and I enjoy having nice things, but maybe all of these material things just bring us a short-term satiety. Because it seems to me that if we actually gained any long-term happiness from material possessions we would not be so driven to keep acquiring new ones. We would be content with that which we already have.
I'm at a crossroad in my life. I'm at a crossroad where I have to decide if it is important to have money, and be able to buy a house and acquire possessions, or is it important to just live life. Take a chance and life. I'm not sure how to answer that question.
All of this revolves around my move to San Francisco. I found a place, but it's a big compromise for me. I'm used to having my own place and having all of my material possessions with and around me. In moving to this room in the city I would be taking much of what I have and putting it into storage. Thus only leaving room for the necessities. Being one that is always used to having these things, I'm naturally questioning if I am making the right decision. I guess I can take some comfort in knowing that nothing is permanent and I can always make another change if I'm not happy.
Ok -- well I want to write more but I really don't have the time right now as I have to get back to work. I will continue this later.
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Monday, February 05, 2001 |
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@WORK. Wow -- I've really slipped this time. It's been almost a whole week. What a hectic week at that. I cannot believe that it is February -- how time flies.
Everything has been going pretty well in my life. My weekend was rather uneventful except for the speeding ticket I received on Thursday afternoon and the bad haircut I received on Friday night. My weekend consisted of the following: Friday night I went to the Castro, got a bad haircut, walked around for a while, had some soup, had some coffee, puked out back of Café Flores due to either the soup or the coffee, and then went home and relaxed. On Saturday night Justin came down, and him, Anthony, Bryan, Robbie and I ended up going out to TD's in Santa Clara and dancing. It was interesting, but regardless we had a good time. My friend Peter came into town from LA on Sunday and he went with me to my friend Emery's 30th birthday party. Most of my other friends were at the party, so it was nice to be able to spend some time talking to everyone. So that was about it, a pretty close to normal weekend. I really wanted to start packing some things, but as usual I didn’t even get started.
So -- now the real dilemma in my life... Housing. It always seems to come back to this. I think that if I would just find something affordable I would feel much better about living in the Bay area. I did get a phone call last week from Ann Marie and she offered me the room in Noe Valley. I told her that I was interested and I would take it, but I'm still at this point unsure of my decision.
I feel at this point in my life I would be taking a step back by just moving into a “room”. I would technically be sharing this house with Ann Marie, but the point still remains that she is moved in, and already has all of her things in the house. I would be merely moving into the room with shared use of all the rest of the facilities. This means I would have to get a storage unit and put most of my things into storage. I’m starting to think this is a bad decision on my part. I really like the location, I like the fact that the room is ½ of what I’m paying for my current apartment, but what am I gaining? This is what has been going through my head all weekend long, as I look around my apartment and try and decide what I can and cannot take with me. The list of cannot take is getting much larger then I believe I would like it to be. I’m not sure I’m happy with that. My friend Hope was over the other day and we were talking about the housing situation. I was explaining to her about having to put things into storage and not really having a lot of room. She said something that really got to me. She said “it’s terrible that you have to put these things, the small things that make you happy, into storage and not have them with you.” She was right and it really hit a nerve that triggered much of this feeling. I’m so used to having my own apartment. Having my own things. I don’t think I’m going to be happy with having to move in somewhere that I cannot have these things with me. It’s the small things that matter. The things that make me happy to look at every day. Something as simple as the beer steins my father gave me that he got when he was in Germany while in the Navy. These mugs which sit on my living room shelf next to the matching beer steins that I picked up while I was in Germany. These things are just a small example of the small things.
With all of this comes the thought that maybe I would be better off moving back to Phoenix. I cannot help to think how much better I was doing there. I was even making more money there then I am making here in the Bay area, and the cost of living is nowhere near the cost of what it is here. The glorious stock options that we all are working for with the dot-com’s are a sure way to get everyone to take a lower salary, but they are also not paying off like they used to be. I ask myself again – is it all worth it? Should I reconsider my decision to move here?
So I sit here as I write this and think about the decisions I have ahead of me. I think I really need look at the long term and decide what is really going to make me happy.
I did get a chance to spend some more time with Justin this weekend. On Thursday night we met up and I showed him the location of the house in Noe Valley. We parked and walked down to the Castro from there. I wanted to see how much of a walk it was from everything. I was impressed that it was really only 3-4 blocks from Castro. We ended up having dinner and just walking around the Castro for a bit and then going home. I called him on Saturday and asked if he wanted to come down after work. I didn’t really plan on doing anything and I thought maybe we could stay in and watch a movie or something. Anthony called just before Justin arrived at my place to see what I was doing. I told him to let us know if he was going to do anything, so that is how and why we ended up going to TD’s and not getting back home until almost 4am. It was fun regardless.
I enjoy spending time with Justin but I’m afraid that all this time together is not fair to him. It’s like as if nothing has changed between us since I told him how I felt. I did say that I felt more comfortable around him, but I don’t know if that is because I don’t feel the pressure of a “relationship” or not. I know that I can distance myself enough to be friends with him and hangout as friends. I sometimes think that I’m leading him on to some degree. I don’t know what is going on in his mind. I don’t know what he is thinking and I don’t want him to think that things are going to continue on as if we are together when we clearly are not. I think given the fact that we are spending so much time together still, neither one of us has had our space or time to adjust to the fact that we are not dating anymore. I’m wondering if I should distance myself somewhat from him to give us both the space that we need to move on with our lives.
I’ve had several people comment on my situation with Justin. They most commonly ask, “what is up with you two anyway?” and “are you guys still sleeping together?” I’m so tired of both of these questions. I really don’t think that either is anyone’s business, but everyone seems interested as to the answers. I even had someone that I know ask me if we were still together because he wanted to make a move on Justin. I’m like “why are you telling me this?” God some people are just vultures. Ugh. I could just scream sometimes. Anyway it seems that everyone who wants to get involved in my life keeps telling me that I need to give him space and not talk to him so much, and not see him so much. I was told to limit our activity together to mostly group events, and not spend one on one time with. I was also told that I shouldn’t have him stay at my place anymore, even though all we do is sleep there. I don’t know what to do. It’s funny that you always seem to get advice from people when you don’t ask for it.
As far as Justin is concerned – I don’t see the problem with us being friends and hanging out. I enjoy spending time with him, I enjoy talking to him, and I enjoy his company. I just don’t want him to get hurt in the end. I asked him the other day that if I started dating someone, how would he feel. His answer was “hurt.” I can understand that – but it is something that we will both have to deal with at some point or another. Again – I guess that I have some serious thinking about what is going to make me happy.
Oh well – it’s always something new with me. I really just want to settle down for a while and make a home somewhere. I’m not sure where or how to do this. Hopefully I will decide where my future lies before I have to be out of my apartment on March 1. I’m trying not to stress out about all this … but sometimes it can all just be a little bit overwhelming.
Anyway – I need to get back to work …
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