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Hello I'm Rich Brown and this is my personal website and blog. I'm just your simple, average, down to earth, professional, out gay man and aspiring circuit boy, living in Phoenix, Arizona with a few things to say while trying to find my place among all the scary, conservative, religious nuts in this sick and twisted world.
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@ Work
It's hard to believe that we are coming up on the end of June. This year is just flying. I guess it seems weird for me since this is my first summer in the Bay Area. I'm still not quite used to the cold weather in San Francisco during the summer. Sometimes I really find myself getting homesick for Phoenix and the warm days. I guess I'm glad that I have the opportunity to work in Redwood City since it is always much warmer during the days on the Peninsula. I think it will soon be time to make a trip back to Phoenix for some summer sun and heat to see why I left there in the first place.
So today has been a pretty good day. We had an awesome Hawaiian barbeque at work this afternoon. Everyone was dressed up in their Hawaiian garb and they had plenty of food and fruits outside on the grass. It was nice to get outside for a bit and socialize. We also found out that our business is growing at an unbelievable rate. We started a new campaign for Microsoft and MSN and in one week we became the largest provider of new customers to Microsoft's MSN service. I think this is going to turn into a very big contract for us. I'm excited about it because the better the company does, the better my stock options are looking.
So -- As for me -- hopefully it will be a quiet and relaxing weekend. I'm really burnt out on the Club scene for right now. The past few weeks have taken it's toll on my tired ass and I'm ready for some peace and quiet for a bit. I want to get out and enjoy the summer a bit before it's gone.
Last night was a pretty good night in that Justin and I spend some quiet time talking together about what's going on in our lives and our future plans. I was thinking this morning on my way to work about how much I really do care about him. He is such a sweet and affectionate guy. He always thinks about me and brings me small things like a CD that he picked up or some candy that I like. I sometimes feel guilty that I don't do it as much for him, but my life seems just so hectic sometimes that I just can't get out and away from home and the office.
I'm looking forward to next week as it's 4th of July week. I really wish I could spend the day in Washington D.C. I love it there this time of the year, and everyone is so patriotic over the 4th. I'm really happy that my manager has decided to go camping for the weekend not to return home until Wednesday. This means I really get a 5 day weekend as I can work from home Monday and Tuesday and have off on Wednesday. Hopefully I will get to catch up on my rest somewhat.
I've been frustrated lately over money issues. I don't know how I managed before when I wasn't making what I'm making now. It seems that no matter how much money I make, it is never really enough. I was able this week to cut down some of my expenses and come up with a new budget that should help me get my bills paid and hopefully have some extra money. I really wanted to get out from under the expense of a car payment, but after talking to my car finance company it doesn't seem like I have many options. I really do like my truck, but all the money I spend on payment, insurance and gas could be better spent on catching up and saving some additional money. Hopefully I'll be able to work everything out. I'm going to cut out much of the evening dining and start to cook at home, and I'm also going to not go out to bars and spend money. I think this alone is probably one of the biggest wastes of money. Hopefully within the next 2 or 3 years I'll be able to get all of my student loans paid off as well. This will save me another $400 a month that I won't have to pay to them. I guess this is the price I have to pay for now. Since I'm getting settled into my place, and I don't have any plans to move soon, I may finally be able to make out on top. Only time will tell I suppose.
Well I think it's time to get out of here and go home. I'm tired and I want to relax a bit before we go to the movies tonight to see AI. Hopefully Justin will get some packing done today as I really don't want to wait for him all weekend to get his things packed.
I'll write more in July :-)
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@ Work
Life and it's meaning ...
As I get older I think I find myself becoming more in tune with life and the way things work. Maybe I'm just starting to question less and just accept things for the way they are. I am especially finding this true when it comes to my spirituality and thoughts about a "higher power".
When I was younger I just blindly accepted what my parents and the Catholic church taught me was true about religion. I didn't question, because when you're a child you just accept these things as truth. As I started to get older and develop more of a scientific thinking process, I started to question why I was to believe in such things, without a shred of proof. I began to question my entire belief structure and I wanted the answers that no one could give me. This eventually let to me formulating my own definition of religion, spirituality, and God. I think this is a natural process of an individual growing and experiencing life.
At this point in my life I'm not sure how I feel about all this. In some ways I find myself questioning less and once again just accepting things for the way they are. I believe it is this way because I've had the opportunity to grow and develop my own ideas and thoughts. I think it is so important for someone to go through this thought process because only after questioning your own beliefs, faith and spirituality and coming to your own conclusions about what religion means to you, can you feel comfortable about life and what it truly means to you.
I bring all this up because I have found that over the past several years I really believe that everything happens for a reason. Even though there is sometimes no possible explanation for events that occur, somehow there is a purpose for that event to happen.
I spoke with my Mother yesterday and she had just gone up to the Hospital with my Aunt to visit my Grandmother who had become ill recently. Because of things that I cannot possibly explain right now, my Mother and Grandmother had not really spoken to each other in several years. It was a very tense situation for our family, but something that we had all come to accept and understand. Well anyway, my Mom told me they went up to visit and my Grandmother was her same old self. Meaning that she just sat there and didn't really have anything to say. You see over the past several years my Grandmother really became pretty withdrawn and didn't want to talk to anyone, family or friends. She kept to herself and just went about her solitary life. Mom said that I wouldn't have even recognized her since her hair had gotten really long and she was very thin. Anyway they spent some time at the hospital with her and came home later in the evening. I know that my Mother, coming from the traditional Slovak family, has always had a difficult time with the rift between her and my Grandmother. I believe now that It was good for both of them to at least see each other yesterday and I know now there was a reason that my Mother was drawn to go there after all these years.
This afternoon I received an emotional phone call from my Mother telling me that my Grandmother had just passed away. I can't imagine what my Mom is feeling right now, having lost her husband just in December and now her mother today. Although they had their differences all these years I know that my Mom still had a deep love for my Grandmother and would pray for her everyday. I wish I could give my Mother some comfort from all the pain she must be experiencing.
A reason for everything?
All this really leads me back to what I was saying earlier. I think everything happens for a reason and everything is somehow tied back to some higher power. What would have prompted my Mother to go and visit my Grandmother yesterday after all this time? My Aunt told my Mother that she thought my Grandmother was just holding on until she could see my Mom, the first and oldest of her children, one final time before she was ready to let go. I believe this. I believe that in the same aspect, there was a reason my Father's Mother was able to spend the day with him before he died. I believe there was a reason I called my Father that evening just hours before he would die to tell him that I loved him. I don't know why these things happen but I truly believe that there is a driving force in life that we all follow and helps us through life.
One way or another, no matter what we believe, there has to be some feeling that a higher power does exist and there is something more to all of this then we could ever imagine. Fate and coincidence are a possibility but after what I've been seeing and experiencing in my life over the past few years I wouldn't just write it off to that.
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@ Work
Well I can hardly believe that June is almost over. It's been such a busy and fun filled month. I think I will be happy to have some free-time for a little while now without any real major events planned.
Overall I'd have to say that June was a pretty good month for me.
June 9 -- I went to my old college roommate's wedding in Napa at Auberge De So lei. It was a really nice time and I was able to see some old friends from college whom I haven't seen in several years. I like going up to Napa because it is much warmer then down here in the city. When I got back from Napa that evening, Justin, Philip, Bee and I went to the airport to pick up Steven from his trip to Amsterdam. He was really happy to see us but seemed really wiped out. We dropped him off and then headed out to some clubs which eventually ended at Badlands. Something interesting actually happened while we were at Badlands. Justin, Philip, Bee and I were all dancing and there were there two guys that kept trying to dance near Justin. As this one smaller guy kept getting behind him, Justin finally just used his arm to push him out of the way. Right after that his friend came over to tell Justin that he could do much better then the group of guys he was hanging out with. I was so annoyed when this happened. It took me everything I had not to haul off and hit the guy. He wasn't even attractive to be saying something like that. I guess it just shows how shallow some people in this community can be.
June 10 was San Jose Pride. Justin, Philip, Bee, Steven and I all headed down to get out of the city and just hang out. It was such a nice day outside. We spend the afternoon walking around and just hanging out. The most exciting part of the day was yet to come. We all headed over with some of Steven's old friends to Foxtails Bar. It was $5 pitchers, so we started drinking like no tomorrow. Before you know it we were all making a spectacle of ourselves on the dance floor. I think we were the only ones actually having any fun in that place. Everyone was watching us all make out and grope each other until some scary lesbian came over to tell us .. well, her words were "you faggots need to stop ... there are other people in this bar" Anyway -- we calmed down for a little while and then started back up again. It seemed as if Pandora's box had been opened for us all and there was no turning back now. After getting yelled at by the scary lesbian again, we decided to head home for the night. I don't think any of us could actually believe what happened.
June 15-17 was the weekend Mark & Andrea came up to visit from Phoenix. We spent the weekend just hanging out around the city and partying a little bit. On Saturday we ventured up to the North Beach festival for about 1/2 hour but after a long night of drinking on Friday, it just really wasn't too appealing to be around a bunch of drunk straight people. We headed down to the Marina and just walked around some before meeting up with Bee for Sushi. Later on Saturday night we all went out to Universe to do some more drinking and dancing. Justin and I had to take Mark and Andrea back down to the San Jose Airport on Sunday night, to which they got bumped off their flight and stayed the night. We went to their hotel with them and talked for a few hours before heading back to San Francisco around 2am. It was a fun filled but totally draining weekend. It was great to see them and spend time with them again.
June 22-24 was SF Pride weekend. Although I thought we would do more this weekend, it was pretty good none the less. Justin, Steven, Bee, Philip and I all started the weekend off with the Ball of Pride at Metropolis. It wasn't overly crowded, it was just about the right amount of people. Saturday we spent a few hours at the Civic Center Pride festivities, but it was pretty boring and we ended up heading downtown and just walking around a bit. Saturday night was most interesting as we headed over to the Castro Block party. I couldn't believe the number of gay people that were out and in the street. It was pretty amazing. I ended up running into my old roommate from Phoenix, Dave, who now lives in Portland. He was down with his friend Mitch from Sacramento. We had a good time just walking around, drinking and looking at all the naked boys running around in the bitter cold. Sunday we all decided to take a breather and head up to Napa for a special wine tasting compliments of Bee and the Wine Club he belongs too. It was fun and a bit more relaxing then staying in the city. I think we were all tired by then. I would have liked to see the Pride parade since I never have, but since this event was at the same time, I was perfectly fine with getting out of the city for the day. I get tired of all the people and the cold weather all the time.
So -- all in all my friendship with Steven, Bee, Justin and Philip has been growing stronger ever day. I feel something different from that of normal friends. I honestly feel as if these guys are my family now. I always think about them and I always want to spend time with them when I can. I can't say what was the turning point for us all to become this close, but I believe that we will have many more exciting times together.
I'm really at the point right now where I need to take a break from the drinking and clubbing. I really want to spend some time doing other things such as Camping, reading, and just hanging out. I think that June was a good month to get the partying out of our system for a while. Hopefully since it is starting to get nicer outside we can all go on some day trips or a weekend long camping trip in July. Something other then the club scene of which I'm growing tired.
I really need to get to bed early tonight. I'm starting to feel really tired. Well I think I'm going to go home now instead of writing any more. Maybe tomorrow ...
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@ Work. Ok -- I don't even want to think that I went an entire month without writing anything in my journal but it's true. I guess this is what happens when life gets too busy.
Mainly I haven't been writing because my life has become much too busy for my own good. Work has been very hectic over the past few months, as I have been working frantically on a new release of software. This really leaves me with little to no time to write while I'm at work and little to no interest to even touch the computer when I get home.
I feel bad enough that I haven't been able to keep up with the E-Mail's from my friends and family.
Well hopefully things have changed as of today. We officially finished our software release and I should be able to have some time to catch up on my writing again. Once I get DSL back at home I may even be able to write a bit in the evenings before going to bed.
So ... My Life ... It is truly amazing how much a person's life can change in just one month. I feel as if the last few months have just flown by and they almost seem like a years time has gone by to date. Let me give a brief summary of the past few months:
March
-Moved to Noe Valley
-Went to Phoenix with Justin to visit my friends and the puppies
-Joined the SFSocial Gay Men's Group and met a bunch of people such as Scott, Bill, Ken, Paul
-Met Steven and instantly made a connection as friends
-Met some of Steven's friends such as Merced and Andy
-Discovered a new meaning for "Virginia Ham's"
-Discovered Metropolis when I went there for the Green party with some friends
-Worked too many hours for my own good
April
-Met Bee and instantly made a connection as friends
-Met Alan, Jesse and some others from the SFSocial Group with whom I found a solid group of friends
-Started forming a very close friendship with Steven and Bee and spending a great deal of social hours out with them.
-Discovered how much Steven really likes the "Beer Bust" at the Lone Star
-Discovered all the "Hidden" secrets of Metropolis
-Re-discovered my relationship with Justin
-Worked too many hours for my own good
-Finally resolved to give up my notion of moving back to Phoenix and staying in San Francisco
May
-Steven and Bee have become two of my closest friends and Justin and I enjoy spending time with them on a regular basis
-Justin and I have become much closer as a couple and enjoy spending our time together
-Became a more active part of the SFSocial Group and met many more people such as Jose, Ramon, Mike, Tall Steven, David, Brian and others.
-Discovered some more of the "finer" places in the city with Steven and Bee
-Attended Gay & Lesbian Night at Great America with Bee, Steven and Justin and had a great time
-Had Bee bleach and color my hair blonde or something like that (*grin*)
-Got sick of dealing with my roommate and her late hours so I moved from Noe Valley to a flat in the Castro with a straight couple from Canada.
-Spent 8 hours dancing at Metropolis with Justin and Bee while again discovering the "Hidden" secrets of Metropolis
-Met Phillip from the SFSocial Group
-Tried to not work too many hours for my own good but still did
June (to-date)
-Justin got a new job, so now we can finally spend the weekends doing things together (woo hoo!)
-Went to the Russian River with Bee, Justin and Phillip for the day and had sort of a "mini-vacation"
-Bee, Justin and I took Phillip to introduce him to the "finer" places in the city
-Finished up my part of the application we are about to release at work (whew!)
-Looking forward to Steven returning from Amsterdam (you bitch)
-Hopefully I can spend more time with Justin, Steven, Bee, Philip, Alan, Paul, Jessie, Brian, and the SFSocial group. These are a great group of guys.
Well that's pretty much the last few months in review. I don't really feel like writing any more. I know that I probably forgot a few things, but of course I will continue this in more detail to come later.
It feels really great to actually sit and write again. Now if I can get back to my reading and regular journal entries I may actually be doing well.
I guess it's time to go home.
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