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Hello I'm Rich Brown and this is my personal website and blog. I'm just your simple, average, down to earth, professional, out gay man and aspiring circuit boy, living in Phoenix, Arizona with a few things to say while trying to find my place among all the scary, conservative, religious nuts in this sick and twisted world.
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@ Work
So today didn't go nearly as bad as I thought it would have given the fact that we released our software today. Of course no matter how much testing you do with your application the minute you release it to a user they find a bug within 5 minutes. I guess this is just the way it works.
We have our usual company meeting on Thursday afternoon, so I'm anxious to find out the news of how we are doing. The projections have looked really good, so this will give us some solid information. In the midst of the rest of the economy I'm just happy to still have a job. I can't believe that Lucent announced today that they were going to lay off 20,000 people. Something has to be done with our economy soon or we are going to not just have a recession, but we are bordering something more serious.
I think the rest of the week will be fairly calm around here. I may get some more time to work on my web site again. I've decided to add some more interactivity to it. I always have fun when I can do some personal programming.
So only a 4 more weeks before I leave to go back to Philadelphia for my cousins wedding. I'm looking forward to going back for a while. I haven't seen my Mother since my Dad's funeral in December so I know she is really anxious for me to come home for a while. I'm not really planning on doing much while I'm there except for the usual family visits and some relaxation. I'm going to take a few books with me to read so that I might get caught up on some of the reading I've been wanting to do. Believe it or not I don't think I'm going to take a computer home with me. I really just want to stay away from the computer for a while. I can always check and send E-Mail with my Palm VII so it's not a total disconnection.
I really hate to say this but I think I'm starting to get bored with work. I mean I'm always busy but I don't feel I'm learning much anymore. I really want something to challenge me again. I think I really need to go back to school. I believe the only way I'm going to find a challenge and keep my mind thinking is to take some more classes. I would love to take some non-technology classes, but I find myself wanting to focus on some more of the newer technologies that are coming out. Maybe I should look into what some of the technology-related extension classes are in the Bay. Ideally in a few years I will be able to go back to school full time to work on my Masters degree. I would love to go back to school and just stay there. I enjoy the University atmosphere and I enjoy learning. I would love to become a full-time teacher as well as do research on the side. I think with a few more years experience in my field I will be a prime candidate for entering into a good masters program. I think in the meantime I'm also going to try and take at least one class in the fall just for something to do. More of a personal enrichment class -- like photography or history or something. We'll see.
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@ Work
I'm a bit tired today. I wish that I would have gone to bed earlier last night. I fell asleep earlier in the evening, but it was more for just a short nap. I got up and Justin and I ended up watching Waiting to Exhale before bed.
I really like that movie, but whenever I watch it I get really homesick for Phoenix. I like watching it to catch a glimpse of the familiar things I knew of Phoenix. So as I sit here writing this I find myself again thinking about Phoenix. Oh well -- old habits die hard I guess.
The Weekend
It was once again a pretty mild weekend. Since some of us are trying to conserver money, we found ourselves . Friday night was just Steven, Bee, Philip, Justin and I hanging out at my place with some pizza, playing Monopoly and watching the Sex and the City DVD.
On Saturday I was able to get most of my laundry done and a little bit of my room cleaned up. I think it will take me another week or two before I finally get everything into place. Saturday night started out with Steven, Bee, Philip and I having dinner and then heading over to a party hosted by one of Steven's friends. We stayed for a while and socialized, but mostly spent time conversing between ourselves. I'm sure as well all sit on the couch touching and rubbing each other everyone once again would wonder who was actually with who. I think we always give the appearance of a "pan-sexual" type of group. Later that night Justin got in my car and just went somewhere to park and talk. The context of the conversation I don't really want to detail in this entry, but it helped me to deal with my thoughts and feelings and although I never wanted to hurt Justin, I had to make him aware of where I stand with our relationship. Enough said about that.
Sunday found Justin, Steven, Philip and I meeting for coffee at Jumpin Java. We didn't hear back from Bee, so I guess maybe he just needed some space from us. Sometimes I think hanging out with all of us all of the time can be a bit overwhelming for most people. We are quite a dynamic group of guys and from our friendship comes many feeling and emotions. I think many people deal with these differently and even thought it seems we've know each other for a long time, I think it will take some time to really learn each others personalities and boundaries. From coffee we headed down to Union Square to just walk around a bit and do some widow shopping. I had a gift card that I won at the work Christmas party, so I was able to stop off and Nordstrom's and pick up some new cologne. We all parted ways early and Justin and I ended up back at my place to make some pasta for dinner. It was a nice casual evening.
This Week
I'm not sure how things are going to be for me this week. We are in the process of releasing the latest version of my software, so depending on how things go, I could be busy or slow. I'm not really that busy today because my piece in currently in testing and no problems have been found, which is always a great feeling.
I want to maybe go to the gym for a little bit of cardio workout tonight and then maybe get some more things put away in my room. I'm getting close to having it all done, but I'm quickly running out of room to put things. I don't know how I fit all of this in my other room which was substantially smaller then this one.
Random Thoughts about Friendship
I was just thinking this weekend how it's really strange the way different groups of friends interact with each other. The friends I had growing up, the friends I had in college, the friends I made in Phoenix, work friends, and my current set of friends -- they all have a different type of interaction. My newest friends are those whom I would call my closest and best friends ... aside from Mark and Andrea in Phoenix, who would also fit that category. I don't think I've ever really felt as close to my friends as I do with these guys. Well I take that back, maybe I felt that way before about other people but never had them feel that way in return.
The one thing I'm really learning about having this type of friendship is that it has the stability and fragileness of a relationship with someone. It is almost like having a relationship with each of them. I think it's a new experience for all of us and I'm not sure that we know how to handle it. I think when you are involved so intimately with people you have to realize there are going to be times when you are mad and times when you are happy, and it's not going to all good all the time. Lately it seems that some of us have been more sensitive about things said and actions taken. I can understand why this happens, but I think we all just have to take it a day at a time and just like a relationship, have to work on our communication with each other.
I know that for me it's easier to just be upfront and honest with someone when they do something to upset me, as that's just the type of person that I am. I'd rather confront it and get it out in the open then to stew about it and maybe blow up about it later. I know that it's difficult sometimes to deal with each other while we are still really learning much about each other but I don't want to have to feel like I have to tip toe around in what I do and say with my friends. I don't want to fear that I might say or do something that will hurt someone's feelings. I want to feel comfortable with my friends to know that if I do something that they do not like or is inappropriate in their eyes that they will be understanding that we are all learning and talk to me about it. I want my friends to feel that they can tell me anything, good or bad, no matter what. I believe that honesty is always the best policy and I don't think that shutting people out when you have a problem is the best way to deal with a situation. But then again that is just me -- and I know that everyone handles their individual situations differently.
I just hope that we call all get through all the bad times that may come up and keep this group of friends together for a really long time. I really feel like these guys are my family and I consider them to be that. I want to have friends that I can grow old with and know they they are there for me no matter what.
Ok -- enough about that. I really should get back to work. I have some things to get done.
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@ Work
Whew -- Another busy week at work. At least my time is a bit more balanced out now. I'm not letting myself get so stressed out about work. I think part of my stress comes from the fact that sometimes I lack that confidence that I know what I'm doing but I've proven to myself and my co-workers this week that I'm very good at what I'm doing.
I'm actually having a great week. I decided to start taking the train to work. It takes me almost an hour longer to get to work and home this way, but it gives me some time to myself to read or just veg for a while. I bought Business Week this morning and was actually able to have time to read it. Yesterday for some reason I decided to walk from the CalTrain station to my office. What a mistake that was. About 45 minutes later I finally get to the office with a blister and soaking wet from the sweat. I guess I should have waited for the shuttle. I underestimated the distance as when I drive it doesn't really seem that far. It actually was a nice walk but took a little longer then I expected. Next time I'll remember to wear my sneakers or roller blades before trying it again.
So this weekend at the lake was a lot of fun. I'm paying for it a bit now because my shoulders are somewhat sunburned and my arms a little sore from climbing in and out of the boat as well as swimming in the water. We spent over 6 hours on the boat on Saturday afternoon and it was great. I loved having the weekend with my friends and not having anything particular to do. It really seemed like a mini-vacation for me which was really needed.
One of the best parts of the weekend was that fact that I was able to spend some time with my friends. It isn't too often anymore that we can take the time to talk about things and just laugh together. I really hope that we can all start doing some more things together.
Well -- since I'm sort of busy I'm going to cut this one short. I'll try to write more later
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@ Work
Weeeeeeeeee -- Ok another day where I did absolutely nothing work related at work today. Ok -- I lie, maybe just a few things .. but shhhh .... I had to drag my tired ass out of bed this morning to come here in by 8am, to which I was late anyway, as I didn't get here until 8:30. Well you know me and being late -- no explanation needed. So anyway -- I get here and the shit that was supposed to be done last night by my co-workers was not finished yet. I get this email saying -- "Oh I overslept -- I'm not done yet -- can you wait until 10am until you make a new build" I'm thinking why the hell did I get out of bed?
So anyway -- 2 cups of coffee later I was just having a good old time working on my web page again. I like days when I can just kick back and do nothing useful. Isn't that they way they all should be. Thank god my days are starting to balance out. The last month has had me so stressed out that I need a few days like this. I'll be back to working hard again next week when I have to do a new release of my section. Well until then -- I'll just enjoy.
So I'm really looking forward to getting out of the city tonight. Did I say that already? I can't remember, probably. Even though I think I stressed Steven out by the whole driving thing -- I'm still looking forward to going. I need to get out to that lake and tan my hot bod. Well -- something like that. Today is Steven's 29th birthday. That bitch is getting old. I hope I don't look as old as him when I turn 29 <*EVIL GRIN*>. Ugh speaking of which -- I can't believe how fast this year is going. I'll be turning 31 in October. How pathetic is that. Well at least I have my career, my looks and my walker ... just in case ... you never know. I'm actually at a really happy point in my life right now. I have a few bad days but for the most part every day is a new experience and I'm just taking life out for a spin right now. I may as well enjoy it while I can because who knows when it is that your gonna get run over by Muni.
I'm in a good mood because I know we are all going up tonight but I'm sort of tired. After dinner last night we ended up walking around Castro and then back to my place for a movie. Just because Philip didn't have to work I get suckered into watching a movie when I have to be at work at 8am the next day. Oh well it was fun anyway. I swear I'm going to get a king size bed soon because there is just no enough room on my bed for everyone. One of these days. Oh yea and I seriously need to have a talk with Justin about wearing his tighty-whitey's around people. That's just not right. I mean I don't care if a person wears boxers and his dick is hanging out ... that's cool and all ... but you just don't wear the tighty-whiteys around as lounge wear. I mean really. Oi
Well it's really been an interesting week but I have to say that I'm glad it's Friday and I'm ready for the weekend. Next weekend I have to get a bunch of things out of my storage and bring them back up to the house. I really want to get out of the storage unit to save some extra money. Money ... Money ... Money .. seems like it's all ever about money. Hell yea -- I wanna be rich, doesn't everyone. Anyway I'll worry about that next weekend. I'm just going to enjoy the time away.
Well looks like it's time for me to get the hell out of here. God I love my when boss leaves at noon. I guess I'll write more on Monday.
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@ Work
What a day today. I go from one day of doing nothing to another day of busy as hell. I wish these people would figure out what the hell they want so I don't have to keep changing the code on my application. The marketing people are enough to drive you nuts.
At least I was able to get caught up on some things today. I'm really looking forward to getting away this weekend. I need a break from worrying about work for a while.
I had a pretty good night last night. I stayed at home and cleaned up my room. Well not totally but a little bit. I got a few boxes of junk things put away -- which is good because I haven't been able to unpack them since I moved to San Francisco in the first place. I guess that's a sign. I also had a talk with my roommate Kaliea last night. for a while. We just sat and talked about life and our jobs. It was cool -- we haven't really done that before.
Ok -- well I better get back to work -- I'm busy and I need to get some things done so that I can get out of here. I'm going to be meeting up with Justin, Bee and Philip for dinner and then who knows what. That bitch Steven isn't going because he's got a theatre date with his psudo-limbo boyfriend Jay. I see how he is -- he doesn't love us anymore. <*EVIL GRIN*>
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@ Work
Weeeeeeeeeeeeee .... Ok so I'm in a really good mood today. I don't know why ... Probably isn't because I got laid last night and this morning. I dunno ... could be? Who can tell? All I have to say is that my ass is kind of sore now ... but enough about my ass ...
Anyway it was a good day all around. I got absolutely nothing work related done today at work. I got in at 9am, I read E-Mails and surfed the web all morning. I went shopping over lunch and came back here and worked on my web page for a little bit this afternoon. Just the type of day that I like. I love my job sometimes.
So tonight I'm up for a quiet evening to myself to get some things done in my new purple room. Well not really purple ... if you sort of squint and turn the lights down real low it's almost blue. Yea -- that's my story and I'm sticking to it! Ok so yes -- I painted my bedroom. And got some curtains. Geez -- I'm so damn domesticated anymore. I think I'm turning into a lesbian or something like that. It's been nice to get my room fixed up and get some color on the walls. It actually feels homey in there now. I enjoy coming home to something other then the white walls of the insane asylum. So yea -- as for tonight -- I have to get all of the crap that's laying on my floor put away. I really need to also get some laundry done. Some of which is Justin's but for now I'll just throw it all together and do it at once.
I have to try and figure out how to pack lightly for this weekend. I'm going out to the Lake with Steven, his psudo-limbo boyfriend Jay, Bee, and Justin. We are going up for Steven's birthday. I don't know what the hell Steven is thinking though. He has this crazy idea that all 5 of us and our things are going to fit into one car. I guess he just doesn't know how I pack. I guess I'll just have to tie my 3 suitcases to the roof or something ... an overnight bag my ass. A girl's got to have a few outfits you know ... and lord -- Bernard's hair care products and makeup case -- well that will take up the whole cargo area alone -- sheez -- I think I need to have a talk with Steven about this...
So I'm glad to be getting out of the city this weekend. Don't get me wrong. Not that I don't enjoy the city but hell ... does it always have to be so damn cold around here? Ugh -- My blood is still pretty thin from living in Phoenix all those years. It's going to take me some time to get adjusted to out here. Where I come from ... the summers are HOT not COLD. But getting away to somewhere where I can just lounge around and enjoy the summer heat will be nice. I have to make sure to bring my sunscreen as I don't want to get my shaved head any more sunburned then it already is. Oh yea -- did I mention that I shaved my head? No I didn't think so. Just another one of those bright ideas I got while getting ready to get into the shower last week. Who would have thought my head would look like some sort of deformed Easter Egg? Well actually Bee told me not to do it for some reason like that .. but you know me ... I do what I want and then bitch about it later. Love me or leave me sister ... that's what I say!
Well I would love to sit here and chit chat .. but frankly my boss has gone home -- so no need for me to stay and pretend I'm working anymore. I can finally get the hell out of here and get home to clean ... clean ... clean. Maybe I'll even watch a movie tonight ... woo hoo -- boy, let the good times roll -- I tell you what. Ok -- I'll be back again tomorrow. I hope. Oh yea -- one last thing -- I want to thank God for giving me my friends and letting me have this beautiful day. Every day of life is one more day of new experiences and just one more reason to be thankful. Jesus, I'm sounding like my Mother now -- ugh -- Okie dokie then -- Now before I start getting all sentimental and crying all over my cool keyboard and shorting out the company electric panel -- I better go -- Chow!
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@ Work
I wish I had more time to spend writing my Journal. Work has been really hectic this week. I did manage to get almost all of my project done yesterday. I was afraid that I was going to have to work over the weekend.
I hate to have to work on the weekends. There were labor laws put into place for a reason, but it seems like those of us that are salaried workers are now the blue collar workers of the 2000's. I hate the fact that my boss just assumes that I have no life and the minute a problems arises that I can spend all weekend working just to meet someone's arbitrary deadline. So far I've been pretty lucky and have been able to get most of my work done without putting in any weekend time. I know that with all of the projects we are working on right now I'm going to eventually be asked to work on the weekend and I'm going to have to have a long discussion with my boss about it.
My opinion on this is that I have a life and I do not live to work. I work to live. There is a big difference. For me the weekends are my time and I don't ever have one where I don't have plans to spend time doing something or with my friends. I can't imagine how your employer just thinks that you will at a whim drop all plans you have just to work. I guess it doesn't help that the rest of my team are total geeks and have nothing better to do then work all the time. Maybe if everyone would just say no instead of caving in and spending all their free-time in front of the computer I wouldn't have to look like such the non-team player with a life. Anyway -- enough of my bitching -- I've just been in a foul mood every time this subject comes up
I've been having some really weird dreams lately. I don't know if it's because it's been somewhat hot in my room, but I just haven't been sleeping that well. I was so tired yesterday that I had to go out to my car at 4:30 just to lay down for a bit. I totally fell asleep in my car for about 45 minutes. I really needed to just lay there and relax for a few. I feel like I've been on the go a little too much lately. After I finished up work I went over to Target, Staples and Sportmart and just walked around a bit. It was nice to spend some time to myself and just shop. I think I need to start taking some more time to myself and doing things because in some aspects of my life I know that I have just not been giving myself any "me" time lately.
I have to say that it's been really nice that I haven't spent much money over the past few weekends. I've grown tired of the SF party scene. I enjoy going out to clubs once and a while but I really think it is best left for a special occasion. I've also really cut out the drinking as well because it's a waste of money and I just don't like feeling like shit the next day. My friends and I have been spending some quality time just hanging out, cooking up some food and watching movies. I've been having more fun doing that then going out. I think they feel the same as well.
So about my friends. I think I've finally found the group of friends that I've been looking for my whole life. I found people that I really enjoy hanging out with and they also enjoy hanging out with me. People that I care about and they care about me. I've always had friends, but as friends tend to do -- they come and go depending on the situation and the moment. I don't see this happening with Bee and Steven. I always find myself wanting to see them -- wanting to talk to them and also worrying about them. I really do care about them and I see us all being friends for a long time. I want to say the same about my friend Philip, but I'm not sure that I can yet. I really do care about him as well and worry about him, but I feel that he is so new to the community that he doesn't quite understand the need for quality friends. I think that Philip will eventually move on but I'm happy to think that we all may have had some positive influence on his life. I know that the bond that Bee, Steven and I have goes much deeper and I've never really experienced this from friends before. Just when you think things can't get any better ... it does. I'm really looking forward to the next few years and spending time with these guys. I can't imagine my life without them.
So aside from everything else -- I actually feel pretty good. And for me this is a feat. I'm usually so tired or feel sick. I do feel a bit drained but I think this may be more mentally drained then then physically. I think it leads back to the fact that I haven't been fair to myself and given myself some "me" time. Hopefully I'll resolve this soon.
Well anyway it's getting late and I better finish up and get out of here.
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@ Work
It's really funny that I only have time to write when I'm at work. Well I don't really have time to write at work either, it's just that I get bored and need to take a moment to myself once and a while.
I can hardly believe that it is July already. This year is just going by us so quickly. It seems as though it were Y2K issues and the turn of 2000 and it's already July of 2001. So much can happen in such a short amount of time. Our lives here seem so short when you put everything in perspective.
I have to say I had a really great holiday weekend. I spent it with 4 of my closest friends, Bee, Steven, Philip and of course Justin. Bee brought over his grill, some chicken, and ribs and we had a barbeque on my back deck. Steven of course brought his Veggie burgers -- which are not half bad I might add -- with some potato salad and some sodas. Justin and I went to the store early yesterday to pick up some other things. Safeway was a total mob scene. It was like scrounging for the last bit of everything in that place. Next time I'll remind myself to go to the store earlier.
So we had chicken, burgers, ribs, corn, potato salad, chips, salad, beer, lemonade and soda. It was quite a food packed day for us all. We grilled out and just spent the day talking and laughing. It's so much fun for all of us just to share getting things ready and cooking out. I hope that we can do it again soon -- I really had a great time. The rest of the day was spent with all of us laying on the bed and watching some movies. We did attempt to go and watch the fireworks -- however that was sort of a bust. I heard that there were going to be fireworks at the Ferry building, however they had been moved to Pier 39. So as we were sitting there with hundreds of other people around -- the fireworks started going off on the other side of the hill. I guess I'll make sure to look in the paper next time. Justin wanted to go down to that side to watch the fireworks, however I was convinced they would not be as good as the ones at the Ferry Building. Gee was I wrong on that one. All we could do was laugh and head back to my place. We heated up the leftovers and then watched another movie to finish out the night.
It was a really good day and the food turned out great. I'm glad that we decided to have that little barbeque as it gave us all time to spend together to talk, and laugh and just have a good time.
Since I've been working from home for the whole week having to go back into the office today was extremely difficult. After not getting to bed until 2am last night I am so very tired. I really want to go home and relax tonight. I guess I'm going to help Justin get his things put together at his new place. It should be a mild evening.
I have to say that I've been feeling really great lately. I haven't felt better in a long time. I went shopping on Sunday to Ikea and bought a few things for my room including a new desk and some curtains. On Monday I got a chance to get all that together and hang the curtains. It's amazing what a difference it makes to your mental state when you start to personalize things like your room. I feel so much more at home in my apartment now. I guess I'm lucky that I finally found a decent place and some great roommates. Hopefully I will stay around for a while because I'm so tired of moving.
I was thinking about my father a bit yesterday. It occurred to me that it was just a year ago this weekend that we found out my father had cancer. As I said before it's amazing how much things can change in such a short amount of time.
Well anyway -- I really need to get back to work, it's going to be a busy weekend.
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