|
|
|
| |
Hello I'm Rich Brown and this is my personal website and blog. I'm just your simple, average, down to earth, professional, out gay man and aspiring circuit boy, living in Phoenix, Arizona with a few things to say while trying to find my place among all the scary, conservative, religious nuts in this sick and twisted world.
|
|
| |
| |
|
Saturday, August 25, 2001 |
|
|
|
My Mother's House in Pennsylvania
|
@PENNSYLVANIA. I'm currently at my Mother's house in Pennsylvania and in just a few short hours I'll be leaving to return back home to San Francisco. I have to say that I've had a really great week here and as most vacations go, it went just way too fast. I've enjoyed spending the time with family, old friends, and especially my Mother. It was a much needed trip for both of us.
This Old House ... I drove by our old house tonight. The house that my parents built, the house where I grew up. When my parents moved to Arizona in 1998, they packed up everything and sold the house. It didn't really bother me much then. I saw it as a good move for them. I had seen the house a few times after that when I was back home for trips, but this time was different. Now that my father is gone and my Mother is living alone in an apartment, it was a strange realization of how much all of our lives have changed in just a few short years. As I drove by the house many things were still the same, however with the small changes the new residents made it was noticeably different. Driving up the small tree lined street, along the front yard of the house I almost felt as if I should be turning up into the driveway to return home as I had done so many nights in the past. It was a strange feeling to know that the house that I once spent so much of my time and so many memories was no longer truly my house except in my heart. I felt sad for a minute. I slowed down and took a good long look. I guess I didn't really know how to feel as I drove by. I just kept turning my head to look at every detail of the house, I had never really looked at it this much or felt this way before. Part of me wanted to just look at the house and cry, the other part of me said just let it go and drive on. I guess seeing the house and having flashes of all the memories I had of it, really made me think of my father and our family. It was a reflection on all of the good times we spent there together as a family. I know the memories will always remain, but it's so hard to drive by knowing what was once yours and the place you always called home is no longer truly home anymore. When they say "home is where the heart is" I think some small part of my heart will always have a special place for that house on 20 Pine Street.
Small Reflections ...The past 10 days have given me the time to think about the things that are really important in my life. As I look back I don't regret any of the decision that I made so far in my life. I think regret is a waste of everyone's time and energy. I think it best just to examine how we can make things better from here. By looking at all of the decisions that I've made so far I was really trying to figure out what it is that is most important to me right now and what is going to make me happy. I think finally having time to myself this week I was really able to objectively think about these things and where my path should lead for the future. As I spent time with my Mother, my family and my lifelong friends this week I think that I've realized that these people are such an important part of my life and I really want to spend more time with them. My Father's death was an eye opening realization of how short our time really is on Earth. I think we really have to do things for the present -- do the things that are going to make us happy now -- and not plan and wait for the future. We never truly know when our future will cease to be there anymore so why not just make the future now. We've always heard live every day as if it were your last. How many people do you think actually heed these words of advice? I don't think very many. I think I know now what I have to do to lead me back down the path of happiness and I think that somehow involves being closer to my Mother, and my family.
A Really Short 10 Days ...It's hard to believe that 10 days have passed already. This has to be the first time in a long while that I've really had a good time. I don't remember any time previous that I've come home and it went by this fast. Always for one reason or another I was in a hurry to get back to Penn State, Phoenix or San Francisco and didn't allow myself the benefit of actually enjoying my trip. I really came into these 10 days with little to no expectations as to what I was going to do and I really found that I enjoyed it much more then I thought. The weather has been great, although my family would probably argue with me on that point, and it's just been very relaxing for me all around.
I can't even really say that I did much of anything while I was here. Friday night consisted of attending my cousin's rehearsal dinner with my Mother and the rest of my family. It was nice to see all of my family again. Saturday afternoon was the wedding. It was a nice ceremony and I was able to spend time with family whom I have not seen in many years. It's too bad that we all don't keep in better contact. Sunday was spend just relaxing a bit and then meeting up with Justin, who also just happened to be in Philly visiting some friends. Justin and I went to my friend Missy's house to visit and see the children. On Monday, Justin came over and had dinner with my Mom, her best friend and I. We then drove around a bit, went to see Sean and Suzette, and then had some coffee in the city before I dropped him off at his friends house. Tuesday was spent with my Mother shopping for a computer for her -- thus giving me the ability to write this journal entry. Wednesday was spend setting up the computer and wiring a new phone jack into the spare bedroom of her apartment. Wednesday night was dinner with my Mother, Aunt and Uncle. Thursday was spent in Ocean City, NJ at the beach visiting with my Grandmother and my other Aunt and Uncle. My Grandmother had recently moved down there to live in an apartment above their house. We spend the day together and went up to the boardwalk to walk around in the afternoon. I felt somewhat guilty that my Mom and I would only be there for the afternoon. Maybe next visit I can spend more time down there with them. Friday was spent helping my Mother with a few things and then visiting all of my friends to say goodbye. It went so quick. If only I had more time -- but isn't that the quote of the century.
This New House ...
I'd have to say that the only really strange part of this trip was when I first got to my Mother's apartment. She has a very nice apartment and it is fixed up so very nicely -- decorated in just her style and taste. However it was somehow a strange feeling to be in a place that was now "her" home and did not include any influence from my Father. This being my first trip back since my Father had passed away, left me with sort of an unsettled feeling. Although the apartment was so very comfortable and homey, It was just somehow not the same without my Father being here. I was so used to coming home and having them both here, that is just feels as if something is missing. When I look at my Mother I can see the pain and hurt in her eyes, and I can tell how she loved him with all her heart and misses so much. I know that it's been difficult for her to move on with her own life, but she's done very well so far and being such a strong woman I know she will go on. I'm so proud of the way she fixed up her apartment and has everything in order. I know that my Father would also be proud of her as well.
Anyway ...Well I guess I better come to a close here. It's now 3:25 am and I have to get some sleep for a little while. I'm going to get up and go to breakfast with my Mother. It's going to be really hard to leave her tomorrow. I'm in the mindset right now that I really don't want to go back -- but I have too. All vacations must come to an end. Hopefully I'll still be able to get off for those 2 weeks over Christmas to come home and visit again. Well I guess next time I write hopefully I'll be back in San Francisco.
|
| |
|
Thursday, August 16, 2001 |
|
|
|
|
@ Work
I can't believe that I'm leaving for Philadelphia tonight. This came so soon, but I'm really in desperate need of some time away. I'm really looking forward to seeing my Mom and my family again. It's been a very hectic and stressful week.
Well I don't have much to say except I guess I'll catch up when I'm back on the 25th!
GONE TO
PHILADELPHIA!
(Actually Exton, PA ... but that's not the point ...)
Chow!
|
|
|
|
|
@ Work
I'm in a really great mood right now. Truth of the matter is, I've been in one since the weekend.
I'm not going to detail everything I did this weekend because it really wasn't much to mention. I spent some time with my friends and I spent some time resting. By the time Sunday rolled around I was just in a really good mood. I'm finally starting feel like I'm doing the things I want and like I have some time to myself. It's a good feeling.
I went to the gym late on Sunday night and it was so refreshing for me to work out alone. There were only 4 other people in the gym and I went by myself. Everything just seemed to fit into place. The music they were playing were so many songs from my past that brought up really great memories. As I was doing my 45 minutes on the elliptical machine I just closed my eyes, listened to the music and was left to reflect on my own life and thoughts. I just could not stop smiling. I really enjoyed this experience and I think I want to my time at the gym my own personal time.
Work as been so busy for me up until this afternoon. I've been trying to get everything completed before I leave on Thursday night for Philadelphia. I always amaze myself at how much I can get accomplished when I am under pressure and put my mind to it. I finished up almost everything today and have just been adding some enhancements. I hope the next few days will be easy as I just work on some minor bugs.
Well I better get finished up what I'm doing so that I can get home at a decent hour tonight. Maybe I'll write some more tonight.
|
|
|
|
|
@ Work
I am so happy that it's Friday. Only a few more work days after this weekend and I'll be leaving to go back to Philadelphia for 10 days. I'm really excited to get away for a little bit and relax.
Yesterday was a really strange day for me. I don't ever get depressed about anything but I can honestly say that yesterday I was feeling a bit depressed. Just everything that's been going on in my life has started to seem a bit overwhelming. That's why this trip back home will be good for me because I can just relax. I don't have to entertain anyone, I don't have to run all over the city -- all I have to do is relax.
I'm starting to think that I need to start taking some more time for myself. Just more time all around to do things alone. I always feel like I'm on the go and I'm always trying to make everyone else happy but when it comes down to it I don't feel like my needs are being met. I remember when I was in Phoenix the only way that I could actually get some space and time alone was to just turn off my phones and relax. It's a bit harder then that here in SF because I don't live alone anymore so I can't just escape as easily. Even when I'm in my room I have my roommates knocking on my door or pressuring me to go out and do something with them. I'm so totally ready to have my own place again. I really miss the freedom of having my own apartment and being able to do things the way I want to do them in the apartment. Oh well -- one thing at a time I suppose.
I'm also feeling pretty grumpy today because I didn't get enough sleep last night. I haven't been getting enough sleep for the past few nights and it's starting to take it toll on me. I have to stop it because I know my body and when I don't get enough rest I will start to get sick and that is the last thing I want right now.
Boredom at Work?
I hate to say this but I'm really bored with my job. I just am so unmotivated to go into work anymore. I get to work and I don't feel like doing anything. I've been coming in later and later, I've been leaving early, and I've been taking long lunches to just get away from the office. It's pretty pathetic actually. I'm really not very happy with things right now. I need more of a challenge. I've found that once things become routine with me I become bored really quickly. This follows true with everything in my life. It is normally the time in my life where I would start looking for another job to find something new and exciting, however the lure of stock options is just too great for me to give up right now.
Maybe I should just sell everything I have and then go join a Monastery somewhere in Europe and live my life in solitude. Maybe that would make me happy. Probably not -- I feel like I'm in constant torment and can never find happiness. I guess this is just the path in life that has been laid out for me.
What is Happiness?
What does it take to make a person happy? How do we know what it is that will make us happy? It's obvious that different things make different people happy. For some it's the little things, for others it the big things. Then there are those of us that are still trying to figure out the answer to that question. Maybe it is only when we are miserable that we question if we can be happy. When we are feeling great about ourselves and actually feel happy do we think about it then? Do we say too ourselves I'm happy -- this is what makes me happy. No, we don't. It's sort of just a feeling that we love to have but when it's not there we long to have it back.
|
| |
|
Thursday, August 09, 2001 |
|
|
|
|
@ Work
I'm feeling pretty good today. This morning I felt a bit uneasy and I'm not sure why, maybe a bunch of different things, but overall I think today has been a pretty good day. I really didn't get as much as I'd like done at work today, but that just means I'll have to work harder tomorrow.
I ended up going to the gym last night for a while. It felt good for me to go, but I was too tired this morning when I got up for work. I would have really like to sleep another hour or two. I seriously have to start going to bed earlier at night. I always seem to find something to take up my time until like 2 or 3 in the morning.
Yesterday was my work from home day. I really enjoy being able to work from home sometimes, although I've found that in order to do this, one really has to be focused on actually doing work. It's so easy to get distracted. At least I didn't turn on the TV the whole day -- that's a good thing.
|
|
|
|
|
@Work. Ok so I'm still tired and I want to go home now. I'm going to try and leave a little early today because it's Justin's Birthday tonight and we are all going to try and do something together. I'm not really sure what he wants to do though -- maybe the movies or something. I'd like to go down to Santa Cruz this weekend to get away from the city again, but maybe I should stay at home and start packing.
I can't believe that I'm going to be leaving for home in only 2 weeks. I'm looking forward to going back to Philly and spending some time with my Mother. I'm not really planning on doing much while I'm there other then taking some books with me to catch up on my reading. I'm hoping that it will be a pretty relaxing week.
I was just doing some work again on my web site. It sometimes seems so silly to put all this work in to my website, but it gives me so much personal satisfaction. I really get to try new things out and learn things that I don't otherwise get to try at work. I'm really glad to have my own servers to put this on, otherwise it wouldn't really be worth it. I have to make sure that I always have a high speed internet connection available. I think spending time doing this is what is really making me want to go back to school. I'm starting to get a thirst for learning again and it so rare that I actually get a chance to do it.
Well I better get back to work and finish up some things so that I can get out of here early!
|
|
|
|
|
First things first -- Happy Birthday Justin!
Now back to me! *SMIRK* I'm really tired today. I just knew I should have gone to bed earlier then 2 am. I started cleaning up my desk last night which resulted in me throwing all of the junk from my desk onto my bed. Bad Idea! Now I had to spend the next 4 hours trying to sort through things just so that I could actually go to bed. Inevitable I just gave up and threw the last little bit of things into a bag so that I could go to sleep.
I think I should have gotten some more sleep last night because I don't feel so great today. But I guess I'll make it. I didn't really feel like going to work today. I actually hate going to work -- I really don't want to work for the rest of my life. I need to win the lottery or something. Not that I hate my job, because I don't -- I just hate actually going in to do work. I would much rather go for coffee or do something else -- but then again, wouldn't everyone?
Maybe I should seriously think about going back to school full time and actually getting a job at the University. Since I really like school maybe it wouldn't feel like work then. I know that when I was teaching in Phoenix I really enjoyed it and I loved going. I think that's how it should actually feel rather then being a chore. Oh well -- I guess I'll think about it.
|
|
|
|
|
@ Work. God I can't believe what a great mood I'm in today. I feel incredible and it's such a nice day outside. I think maybe the cold in the city has subsided slightly to allow for some warmer weather through. It was so nice to walk out of the house this morning without a jacket. I love when it's warm in the city and I get to walk up around Noe because it is just so beautiful with all the trees.
I had a pretty good weekend. I didn't really do much. Went to a party on Saturday night that felt like a throwback to my college days. I know now why I don't like house parties. It was funny when the police showed up your first instinct is to go "Oh shit!" and then run -- but then I had the realization that I've been of legal drinking age for quite some time now.
Sunday was pretty mild -- spend some time with Justin and Bee and went to Pacifica and just walked around the beach a bit. It was pretty relaxing. Just what I needed.
Well -- since it's Monday -- I have so much work to do -- I better get back to work.
|
|
|
|
|
@ Work. I guess I really should be doing some work but I just need to take a break for a few minutes. I know this sounds really stupid but I was able to get my cube cleaned up today and I feel much better. It's so nice to have a clean and organized work environment. I feel as if I haven't gotten that much accomplished this week. I think I'm going to get shit from my boss next when he gets back from vacation. Oh well -- I'll deal with it then. Maybe if I have some free time on Sunday I will finish up one of the pieces I was working on.
I don't really have a whole lot to write. I'm really feeling pretty good today. I didn't do much last night except get caught up on my laundry and watch TV. It was a pretty quiet night at home. I was a bit down about the whole Justin thing though. I know I give myself all of these reasons for what I did, but I just don't know what it is that is really going to make me happy. I thought this was what I wanted -- what I needed, but I find myself even more miserable now. Maybe I just need time -- I don't know.
I finally received a reply back from Rob from an E-Mail that I wrote to him last week. I'm so glad to still have him in my life because I know that I can talk to him about anything and get a pretty objective opinion from him. He usually understands my feelings and what I'm going through at the time. I really wish now that I would have called him when I was in Phoenix last week, but I wasn't sure from his lack of a prompt response to my E-Mail if he or his b/f were comfortable with us still communicating. In his E-Mail he stated that he was really glad that we are friends and he's happy to have me in his life. I was glad to hear this because I really feel the same about him and I want him to be happy. From what he said, he is very happy with Cary and they are eventually going to move in together. I'm glad that he's found someone special.
What is happiness anyway? What in life really truly makes us happy? I don't think that I know what the answer to this question in yet. Maybe I need to sit down and make a list of the things that make me happy and the things that don't make me happy. Maybe I just need to look at all of the things that I have right now and see how they fit. I swear -- I'm getting way too philosophical about all this stuff in my old age.
Speaking of philosophical -- I know that I mentioned before that I really want to go back to school. Mostly for personal enrichment, but I would still like to get my masters degree. I was going to take a class this fall but because I am still not quite a resident for 1 year until October, I'm not going to be able too. I really don't want to have to pay out of state tuition. I was thinking that maybe I should look at trying to teach part-time again. Maybe at CC or an extension campus. I'm not sure if I'll need my masters to teach or not, but I'd really like to get involved in school one way or another. We'll see. Just an option.
God -- my mind is all over the place today. I guess because I start and stop writing when I get interrupted at work it really changes my thoughts at the moment. I have to say that as much as I like my home and my roommates I still really miss living on my own. I want to settle down soon but I don't think I want to settle in a place where I have a room. I'm really thinking about looking again in the fall for maybe a 1-bedroom or a studio to move into. I would like to live on my own and be able to have all my things back with me again. We'll see. For now I'm content -- but nothing wrong with looking especially since the prices keep coming down.
So overall today was a pretty good day. I have to run some errands after work but I think that tonight is going to be another pretty calm night. I'm going to take the night off from everyone and just do my own thing. I really need the time to think. I may actually meet up with Justin for coffee just to see him and talk. Maybe we need it.
Anyway -- I better get my work finished.
|
| |
|
Wednesday, August 01, 2001 |
|
|
|
|
@ Work
So last night was certainly not pleasant for either Justin and I.
I really want to write about my feelings and what happened but out of respect for Justin's feelings and my own I'm not sure that I should.
I really care about Justin a great deal. He is a very sweet, affectionate, emotional and caring person. I am just going through so many things in my life right now that I don't feel like I've had any time for me. I feel as if I've been spending so much energy on everyone else's needs and problems that I've totally forgotten to take care of myself. Because of this I have decided that I really need to take some time off and work on getting myself and my life straightened out. I really want to be happy and I really want Justin to be happy, but on the current course I know that can't happen.
As much as I love Justin I just feel that I right now I can't commit myself anymore to him and a relationship. I don't think it would be fair to him or fair to myself. I'm at the point where I can't be in a relationship with someone until I can get my life straightened out and be happy with me. I really need to be alone for a while so that I can spend some time and energy on myself and figure out what it is that is going to help me feel good about me again.
As I write this I know it sounds sort of selfish but I just have expended so much time and energy on trying to make everyone else happy that I don't even know what makes me happy. I know that Justin is really hurt over all of this and that was never my intention. I know he thinks it was an easy decision for me to make, but in fact I have been struggling with this decision for some time now. It is a decision that is never pleasant and in the end one if not both of us will always be hurt. But it comes down to the fact that it was a decision that I had to make in order to preserve my own well being and put some direction into my life.
I think the worst part of last night was when I watched Justin walk up the street as he left from my house. As he turned around and looked at me with those big eyes and sad face my heart was breaking and tears came to my eyes. I feel sad for him because I have to put him through this. I never wanted to hurt him. In the end it will be a learning experience for him but I wish he didn't have to go through it. I feel sad because I'm used to having him around all the time and it will take some adjustment to get used to being alone again. When I got up this morning I was sad because I saw some of Justin's things that are still at my apartment. It felt strange without him there. It brings a wide range of emotions as I write this now.
I know this will not be an easy time for either of us -- but I hope that Justin realizes it was just something that I had to do. I know this is such a cliché' but it wasn't him it was me. He made the comment last night that he felt as if he wasn't good enough for me. I wish and hope that someday he will understand how this is the furthest thing from the truth. Justin is a good person and deserves to be with someone that can give him the attention and affection that he needs. I really want Justin to be a part of my life but for now I can only offer him my friendship. I really want him to be happy and I hope he knows that he's a very special person.
As I know I need to decide where my life is going and how I can be happy, I really wish that Justin would also take some time for himself to also think about his life. I think now is the time where he should decide what he wants to do and where he wants to go with it. I'm almost so envious of the fact that he still has so much time ahead of him. I wish that I was at his place in life where I could still choose my path but my reality is that I already have an established career and I'm pretty well set in my path. I know I could completely change my life but I think this in turn would not be the right decision given everything that has happened in the past year. Just spending some time reflecting on things will give me the direction I need to find happiness.
Given some time I think we will both see this was the best decision. Hopefully after the hurt passes we can remain friends and both grow from this. I feel sad but I know these experiences are what shapes our lives and makes life worth living. After all -- how would we know true happiness if we never experienced hurt.
|
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
