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Hello I'm Rich Brown and this is my personal website and blog. I'm just your simple, average, down to earth, professional, out gay man and aspiring circuit boy, living in Phoenix, Arizona with a few things to say while trying to find my place among all the scary, conservative, religious nuts in this sick and twisted world.
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Thursday, September 27, 2001 |
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@ Work
Well today has been a very interesting day. I don't know what is wrong with me but I've been so motivated at work. I got a number of things done that I've been putting off for some time now. It feels really good to be done with almost all of my current tasks.
Things really seem to be going well for me right now. My finances seem to be getting straightened out, I've been able to get most of my room cleaned up and put away and I'm really starting to feel happy here. I can't actually say I have much to complain about right now.
Ugh .. I have to get back to work ... more stuff to do ... I'll write more later.
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Monday, September 24, 2001 |
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@ Work
I don't even know where to begin today. I have so many thoughts on my mind right now that I'm not sure I could even begin to express them in one journal entry.
Aside from the number of different issues going on in my personal life right now I'm really concerned with this country and the state of the economy for the future. As selfish as this may sound I really don't want to be looking for a job again early next year. I finally feel settled, yet with the unpredictable nature of the market, business and consumer spending for the future, I think no one can really guarantee the success or failure of a company.
It all seemed so easy last year. The internet and companies that did business on the internet were having a boom. No one would have predicted the dot-com blowout at the end of last year and the subsequent drop in the entire technology sector. Was this boom artificially created by the thought alone that doing business on the internet would be profitable or was there some sort of research and business predictions to actually indicate that people would spend money and turn entirely to the internet? I think with the onslaught of company bankruptcies and closings, one after another, we have an honest answer. However, the question in my mind that still remains is -- where do we go from here? I would have never in my life thought the technology industry would experience such a meltdown. I didn't think the day would come when we would have enough programmers and engineers. I'm very optimistic for the future but just in case I'll be keeping my fingers crossed.
Patriotism?
Aside from the sorrow that stems from the devastation caused by the recent attacks on our country, it's nice to see people of all kinds coming together and rallying behind the American flag. I'm somewhat skeptical as for how long this renewed sense of Patriotism will last. I think we have become too complacent as individuals in this country that we can be unaffected by what is going on around us in the world. As Americans we have turned away from any sense of community and in the past several years have migrated to become more of a self-centered and individualistic society. I think this was brought on by the post-war generation as they found it increasingly difficult to manage on a single salary and were forced to have both partners working full time jobs. From this they were left with less time for family, less time for vacations, and not surprisingly less time for community association and activities. This was passed down to my generation as the norm and we've all been living our lives and keeping to ourselves up until a few weeks ago. No one would even take the time to get to know their neighbors let alone participate in community groups such as bowling leagues, softball leagues, or just god old fashioned town get-togethers. I guess it remains to be seen how our generation will move forward with this behavior and if we can get back to some sense of community instead of the hard-core individualistic attitudes that we've been immersed in for the past decade. Hopefully what has happened to our country will help us to see that we need to live life to the fullest and make every day count.
I need to get back to work ...
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Thursday, September 20, 2001 |
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@ Home
I am so fucking mad right now. What I thought was going to be a pretty easy day turned out to be one of the worst days in my life working in the computer industry. I just now got home from work because some asshole decides it's fun to spread a virus around the internet. Well lets just say that I spent all afternoon trying to get my servers at work cleaned and as I left at 11 pm I still was not able to get our main development server back to normal. It was infected with not just one but 3 different viruses. If the morons that I worked with actually took some precautionary measures I wouldn't have to deal with this shit. I swear I'm going to take control of these servers so that I don't have to do this again. Go figure that my desktop was one of the only ones in the company that wasn't infected. Maybe it's because I have half a brain and went out to the Microsoft site to get the necessary patches right when they were available rather then waiting for this to happen.
I could just scream ... Aaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh ...
Anyway -- I can't wait for this weekend. It has been a really taxing week for me and I need some time to just hang out and relax this weekend. Thank god I was able to work from home yesterday because in doing so I was able to get all of my laundry done which is one less thing I have to do this weekend. The less the better, that way I can just do whatever the hell I want too. Maybe one of these days I will actually be able to get everything that is just laying around my room put away. You'd really think that I just moved in with the boxes still piled up. I guess I could always just give up partying on the weekend and put it all away ... naaaa .. what fun would that be.
I'm really looking forward to maybe getting away on Saturday. I'm not sure yet. I've been thinking that I want to get out of the city for a little bit. I guess this is really dependent upon if I decided to stick around and watch the Penn State football game this weekend or not. Since I'm now an official member of the Bay Area Penn State Alumni Association, I get all these great invites to go and hang out with people and watch the game. As appealing as they all are I'd still rather be a member of the GAY PSU Alumni Association -- which of course there is none. Somehow hanging out with a bunch of straight people watching football just doesn't appeal to me anymore. Maybe I can talk Philip into going somewhere with me and watching it since he is also a football fan. I know he has his heart set on the UCLA game so I doubt there would be any convincing him to watch Penn State. Oh well -- I guess I'll see what I'm in the mood for come Saturday morning. Otherwise I may just take a ride somewhere to get away -- even if it's by myself.
I'm really not looking forward to going back into the office tomorrow. I know what is going to happen. I'm going to have to reinstall the whole damn development server again. I really don't feel like doing that but I know I just won't have any choice in the matter. No one else can do it. I sometimes think I'm the only competent person in my group. If I even get laid off from that place I'm going to in there and shoot someone. I swear I will. Ok ... well maybe not but it's an interesting thought anyway.
Alright now that I've sat down here and started to vent some of my bitter feelings I'm starting to feel better already. Writing really does appease me sometimes ... as long as what I'm writing isn't some nasty E-Mail to my boss or something because then I only feel like a dork after sending it.
The other thing that really pisses me off is that software just never works right. I don't know who the hell these companies get to test their software, but they don't have a clue either. It seems like every piece of software that I install on my system I can get to crash. I think they design this crap with all these features they think no one is really going to use anyway. So here comes me -- I'm like -- oh what a cool feature -- let's try it -- and BANG -- the application crashes -- no warning, no nothing. And best of all I of course didn't save whatever it was that I was working on for the past hour. Maybe I'm really not so smart after all. Ugh
I did have the pleasure of watching the Presidents speech tonight with about 30 of my co-workers. Can I just say ... I still think that man is a moron. He's getting better, but he really needs to learn where to break in a sentience. Give him a few more years and hopefully he'll get it right.
Oh so anyway I didn't even get a chance to write about last night. I ended up going with Steven to this Community Church in the Castro. It's a non-denominational church and is basically for everyone who wishes to attend. I have to admit that I was a bit skeptical in going for the "Prayer at the Heart" worship in the Taize tradition last night, but I knew that Steven really wanted to go so I figured what the hell I'll give it a try. Well ... it turned out to be much better then I expected. I really enjoyed spending the hour just praying to "a god" not any one in particular and singing with the other people. I'm totally not the type to go and sing, but I honestly really felt so much better when we left there. It was so very uplifting and allowed me to focus a bit on myself and pray for my family, friends and the rest of the world. It was really actually very refreshing because I've been so tired of everyone pushing this idea of Jesus down my throat lately with every other religion. Ok -- well I grew up Catholic, so I definitely think my Mother almost had a heart attack when I told her that I believed in a God, however I just didn't know about this whole Jesus thing, but that's how I really feel. I think it's great to be spiritual and believe what you want, but don't push your beliefs on me. So anyway -- the prayers and songs were pretty generic and not in the traditional Christian fashion which I found really great. Some of the songs were actually in Hebrew which I really liked. I somehow think I was Jewish in a past life or something .. I dunno ... just a thought. So after leaving there I felt really good and I was really happy to go there with Steven. I think I may have to start going with him on a regular basis. I know that he really enjoyed it too, so it could be good for us both. Now if I can only get him to sing. Well one day at a time I suppose.
Alright -- well I supposed I babbled enough for today. It's now 12:15 and I really need to grab something to munch on before I go to sleep. I have a feeling it's going to be another long day tomorrow.
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Wednesday, September 19, 2001 |
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@ Home
Well another fabulous Wednesday working from home. In all honesty I can actually get more done when I'm working from home because it's quiet and I don't have as many distractions as in the office. I'm really glad that I finally went and picked up my Residential S-Permit from the parking office last week. It's so nice to know that I'm finally ok to leave my car parked in my neighborhood and not have to worry about getting a ticket.
What a week this has been. The days just seem to go by faster and faster each week. I've been so busy this week with a release that was due on Monday. I can't believe that I actually didn't get it done by Monday. Even after working all night on Saturday night on it I wasn't finished come Monday morning. Thank god my boss was ok with me finishing it up on Monday. I've never been late with any of my pieces before so I think that's why it wasn't a problem. With everything that happened last week I just couldn't get myself focused on rushing to get it done.
Today started off sort of rocky. I was in a really foul mood when I got up this morning. First of all I fell asleep last night with the lights and TV. I woke up at 5:30 am to get undressed and actually get into bed. I had to be up at 8 am to do some work, so it didn't really seem as if I was able to get any sleep at all. I think maybe I will lay down and take a nap for an hour or so here in a little bit.
So as for me -- well much has been going on in my personal life recently. I'm actually really happy for the first time in a long while. I have some really great friends and I finally feel like I'm getting my life back into order. I also feel like I'm finally starting to settle down a little bit. I don't think I'm going to be going anywhere anytime soon. I'm enjoying spending time here in the Bay Area and also living in the city. I think if I were to actually move anywhere else I would miss the freedom I have here in the city.
As for Justin and I, well we really haven't seen each other too much lately. I took him down to Costco on Sunday to get a few things but that was really it. I know it's been hard for him but I felt that it was best for both of us if I distanced myself from him for a while. I just think he needs some time alone to focus on what it is that is important to him and where he wants to go with his life. It has also been good for me to have the time alone and with my friends. Justin is a really sweet guy and I want to be there for him, but at this point I just cannot give him the type of friendship that he wants from me. After being with someone for a while you just cannot flip the switch from partners to friends. It doesn't work that way. Maybe someday he will understand why it has to be this way.
I really want to talk about 2 of my friends for a second because I know that I really don't write about them too much and I think they are an important part of my life right now. First let me talk about Steven ...
Steven
Steven and I met for the first time on Friday, March 16th, 2001 at Starbucks on 24th and Noe. We had actually met online through the SFSocial group that I joined and were e-mailing each other back and forth for about a week or two before we met. Well there is a really funny part to the story of us meeting for the first time. We decided to meet at Starbucks that Friday night for coffee. I was supposed to have my DSL setup earlier that evening so I figured I could still get there in time. As it happened something was wrong with the installation of my DSL and I had to sit on the phone with a PacBell representative for almost an hour trying to resolve the problem. As I sat on the phone, the time I was supposed to meet Steven quickly came and passed. Because I was already on the phone I had no way to call him and I don't even think I had his phone number, as it was in my E-Mail and I never had written it down. So after I finally got the DSL problem resolved and off the phone I decided to run down the street with the hopes of maybe still catching him. What I didn't know at the time is that one of Steven biggest peeves is when someone is late. Go figure -- I'm always late. Anyway -- I finally got to Starbucks about 45 minutes later then I was supposed to originally meet him. Anyone, including myself would have normally left by then but for some reason he was still there. When we talk about it today neither one of us is sure why he waited but he just did. That night was the start of a great friendship between us. I consider Steven one of my very best friends and I love him so very much. In the short time we've known each other we have become very close and have already formed so many wonderful memories together. Steven is one of those people that I can always be open, honest and myself with. He is such a good and down to earth person and I can't even begin to describe how much fun I have when I'm with him. I told Steven a few weeks ago that he reminded me somewhat of my Father. When I said that I meant that I knew I could always talk to him about anything and that no matter what I would always get an objective opinion from him. I know that I don't ever have to worry about myself with him because he loves me for the person that I am and expects no more from me then my loyal friendship. I'm so glad that he waited for me that night at Starbucks because he has become such a special part of my life that I don't think I could see my life without him in it.
Ok now onto Philip ...
Philip
Philip came into my life sort of randomly on Sunday, May 20, 2001. Philip joined the SFSocial group in the hopes of meeting some new people in the city and showed up at one of the last big Coffee Get-Togethers we had. We ended up dragging Philip out to the Bar on Castro, the Cafe and then to on to dancing at Pleasuredome that night. We found out that afternoon that he had never been in a gay bar before or even really spent time with any gay people. It was a day and night of firsts for him. I think he even got his first phone number that night. Well over the next few months Philip started spending more time with us. It is really interesting to see how much he has changed from that shy boy that showed up for coffee to the funny and outgoing person he is with us today. I really like having Philip in my life because as I tell him all the time, he reminds me so much of my college friends. When I say this I mean that I just feel this bond with him and we really seem to have the same sense of humor and just hit it off well. I always know that whenever we are together we can just laugh, have fun and enjoy ourselves. I think this really gives us a common ground for a strong friendship. I also feel that Philip and I can understand each other pretty well because we both went to big Universities, and are both working our asses off trying to get ahead with our careers. I've felt as if I've really gotten closer to Philip lately and our friendship just seems to be getting stronger all the time. With Philip being so new to the gay community I try to not influence him much but I do sometimes have a tendency to be protective of him. I know he has to learn things on his own but I don't want to see him get hurt if he can at all avoid it. It's like I almost see him as the little brother I never had. I really enjoy spending time with Philip and he too as quickly become one of my very best friends. I also love Philip a great deal and I hope that we will have many more years of fun together as friends.
Friends or Family?
I think in the gay community it's so important to find people that you can form a life long bond with. Being gay, statistically, we are going to be in and out of relationships and possibly never really settle down and have a "traditional" family. Friends are the closest thing to a family that we have and when we find those few individuals that we can grow old with, our lives become that much fuller and richer.
When it comes down to it, these guys are my family. I always think about them, I always talk to them, I always spend time with them. I know that with them I can just be myself, enjoy myself and don't have to worry about what they think. I know that no matter what they love me for me and I don't have to pretend with them. We can all laugh together, we can cry together and we can just be there for each other, good or bad. I know that I can always count on these guys to be there for me and I hope they feel the same about me in return. I've never really had a friendship this strong before aside from my lifelong college friends and even then it never has really gotten to this level.
The three of us spent this past weekend together just hanging out and having fun and I can honestly say that I've not had a better weekend in a long time. I think that with the three of us our friendship feels so natural and it just happens. There is never any drama and it doesn't take any work at all to maintain. It's just there, no questions asked, and I believe that's the way it should be with friends. I would never let anyone come between my friendship with them. At some point if I meet someone and bring them into my life they will have to get along with my friends or it just would never work out. If anything good has come out of my living in San Francisco it has been meeting Steven and Philip. I look forward to spending many more fun times and hopefully many more years with these guys as a part of my life.
Well it's not 5:30 pm and I've been writing this journal entry on and off for about 2 hours now. I really should go and lay down for a bit before I head out with Steven tonight. I hope the rest of the weekend goes by quickly because I'm really looking forward to another relaxing weekend with my friends.
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Sunday, September 16, 2001 |
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@ Home
I think this week has been a very trying and stressful week for everyone. After what has happened on Tuesday I'm sure that everyone has had some sort of realization that things are no longer going to be the same in this country.
I don't really want to write much about Tuesday because I feel like we've all suffered from information overload on the subject already. All I'm going to say is that I'm glad the majority of people in this country are finally realizing what it is to be an American and pulling together like I've never seen before. I have never been so proud to fly the American Flag and be a citizen of the United States. It's too bad that it takes such a tragedy to bring people together like this.
I really do think life as we know it is going to change at least for a while if not indefinitely. We, as Americans, have long taken so many freedoms in this country for granted and just assumed they were our given right. Personally I would more then gladly give up some personal freedom in order to feel safe at home, work or anywhere I may travel in this country. I never thought I would see the day where I did not feel safe anywhere.
As for traveling -- I have to seriously think if I want to go back to Philadelphia over the holidays now. It's not so much the fear of flying, but I don't know what the prices are going to be and also flying over the holidays will bring added stress to everyone that is traveling. Maybe I will just drive down to Phoenix and spend a week with my friends if they decide to stay in town as well. Who knows -- I guess I'll just take it a day at a time.
All that has happened this week just reiterates in my mind that as an individual it is so important to live for today and not put off until tomorrow. When it comes down to the simple fact that one never really knows when this day will be his or her last. I know that after the passing of my father I had this realization that we can never tell how long we are going to be on this earth and we should take advantage of each and every day. I think I've changed the way I life to focus less on work and the minor things, but more on the activities that I really enjoy. Things such as spending more time with friends and just doing what makes me happy. I've vowed not to be a slave to my work anymore and I've been pretty good about keeping that promise so far.
Speaking of work ... I hate to sound selfish, but I really am scared about what is going to happen to the economy and all of us in this country. I know things were not really that great for the past year, however there was a hope that the economy would be looking up by next year. Now there is no view of when things will get better. If we get into a long and sustained war the only hope for our economy will be the increased Military spending, however the outlook for the rest of us may not be so great. I'm afraid that my company will run out of money before it can become profitable and then once again I will be looking for another job and wondering why I wasted a year of my time for stock options that I will never see. I guess this is the downside to working in a volatile industry right now. Although I keep telling myself that there are no guarantees anyway ...
All this said -- I guess it's really important for me to know that I'm finally starting to feel settled in San Francisco. I didn't realize that it would take so long for me to feel this way, but when I think about it, it took me quite some time to get adjusted to living in Arizona as well. About 2 weeks ago I finally went and registered my car. I figured after 10 months it was finally time. On October 13th, I will have lived here in the Bay Area for exactly 1 year. This has been such an eventful year, one that I will never forget. I'm looking forward to my birthday this year so that I can spend some time and reflect on everything that's happened this year, and what direction I feel my life should take now.
I guess part of my feeling settled now is because I really enjoy where I live, and I also have found some really incredible friends. I have found the type of friends that are not only friends but also feel like family. The other reason is that I finally realized that I need to stop running from my problems. I think that over the past 10 years whenever I had a problem I would just pack up and move somewhere. Not to actually escape something, but rather for the simple fact that a move somewhere would totally take my mind off of what is going on at that particular minute in my life. Maybe this is why I've moved an average of every 6 months for the past 10 years. Now that I've started to turn around and address all of my issues head on, I've been feeling much better about myself and my future. I think I'm going to put some roots down here for a while.
I'm up pretty late tonight because I had to do some work and I didn't really want to have to do all of it tomorrow. I didn't get everything done that I wanted tonight but I was able to get a good start. Maybe I'll just go into work on Monday and beg for some more time. I think I only really need a few more hours to get everything finished.
Well I think I'm going to head to bed. I should add that my new favorite dance song was just on the satellite. It's Keep Control by Sono on Groovilicious Records -- God I love that song.
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Tuesday, September 11, 2001 |
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Tuesday, September 11, 2001
Today we have been witness to events that I think most of us could never have imagined. 4 planes were hijacked by terrorists. 1 plane was flown into the World Trade Center #1, the second plane was flown into the World Trade Center #2, the third plane was flown into the Pentagon, and the fourth plane was en route to the white house but for some reason crashed into a field in Somerset, Pennsylvania. In the end both World Trade Center towers imploded into themselves killing an undetermined number of people, and several other building in the area also fell. I think this will be one of the defining moments in all of our lives ... my god help us all.
Regarding the Attack on America:
I think the comment from EU External Relations Commissioner Chris Patten sums up the overwhelming serious of emotions everyone has felt today ... "This is one of those few days in life that one can actually say will change everything."
I cannot believe what has been going on in this country. I never thought in my lifetime I would really see something like this happen on American soil.
Such a terrible tragedy has occurred and my heart goes out to all of the innocent people that had to suffer as well as all my fellow Americans and their families. I hope that we, the citizens of the United States, can now get over our petty differences and come together as a country - as Americans - and work to not letting anyone cause this type of terror among us again. I hope that this is the end but somehow I think this may only be the beginning. Now is the time we all really have to come together and be Americans once again.
My sympathy goes out to everyone who has friends and family that were affected by this attack on our freedom. Be safe and remember -- always live life with no regrets and as if each day may be your last -- for you never truly know when it will be your last.
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Friday, September 07, 2001 |
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@ Home
Ok, so I'm still alive and well. I know that I haven't written since my trip back to Philadelphia but things have just seem to be so hectic and go by so fast. I'm really going to have to reinstall my laptop so that I can lay in bed and write my journal before going to sleep.
Anyway -- what an extremely busy weekend I just had. I ended up going all out and partying with my friends Bee, Steven and Philip on Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights. It was extremely too much partying and my body is paying for it now. On Monday I got somewhat sick and have been sick for most of the week. I guess I'm just recovering from the weekend drug binge, but that's definitely another story.
Anyway -- I really need to get some sleep so I'm going to make this a short entry and get going to bed. I figured I had to write soon because Steven said that he was going to cancel my subscription to my web site since it was no longer up to date.
Well I'll catch up some this weekend.
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