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Hello I'm Rich Brown and this is my personal website and blog. I'm just your simple, average, down to earth, professional, out gay man and aspiring circuit boy, living in Phoenix, Arizona with a few things to say while trying to find my place among all the scary, conservative, religious nuts in this sick and twisted world.
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Tuesday, October 30, 2001 |
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@ Home
Alright so I already wrote this entry one time but my computer at work froze up before I was able to save it so now I'm starting again from home.
Today was a much better day for me then yesterday started off to be. I know that I bitched a whole lot in my journal entry and as Steven would say was being a total drama queen, but I wasn't in a good mood yesterday morning and I just wrote the way that I was feeling. Perhaps I was being a bit harsh on my friends, but it makes me feel better to just write and vent. I was able to get into a better mood yesterday after some E-Mails from Steve and Philip cheered me up. I know why I really love those guys so much.
So anyway -- It turned out that Sean and Suzette called me later yesterday and I ended up meeting them around 7 pm at Macy's in Union Square. We just hung out for about 2 hours, chatted and got caught up with each other. It was nice to spend time with them. They are going to take me out to lunch for my birthday tomorrow as well, so I suppose I can no longer be angry with them.
I ended up having sort of a date last night as well. I called Mark in the afternoon just to say hello. He called me back last night to tell me he had off and wanted to know if I would be interested in doing something with him. So around 9 pm I met up with him near his place on the other side of Duboce park. We were going to go and have coffee but the coffee shop he had in mind was already closed for some reason. We decided to walk down to Chow's to have some dinner. We sat at the counter, had some food and just chatted about things. After dinner we walked back up towards my place. I asked him if he wanted to come in. He said sure for a little bit, so we went up stairs.
We got in the house and Mark was able to see my messy room which was totally not prepared for company. We just laid on the bed and started talking. After a while we started touching each others hands a bit and then ended up laying there cuddling on the bed and talking. It was really very nice and innocent. Even Mark said that he thought it was really cool that we could just lay there together and chill out. We were joking about the fact that we are both 1/2 Czech and that our families were both from outside of Prague. He said we were probably cousins or something and we got into a brief discussion about how it could actually be convenient for 2 gay men to be together and somehow be distant relatives. You wouldn't have to face any of those embarrassing questions like at the hospital or other places where people find it important that you are family. We got a good laugh out of the whole conversation. Mark also speaks German so we were testing out each others fluency. I'm really impressed at how well he can speak. We eventually just started touching each other and kissing a bit, but nothing ventured below the belt. It was totally innocent for us both. I really felt very comfortable with him and he's just so damn cute. We laid there until Mark said that it was probably time for him to go home since we both had to work in the morning. Since I met him near his place we walked back to my car and then I dropped him off. We parted with a good night kiss and then I headed home to bed.
Today was good as I got to see Mark again this afternoon. He told me yesterday to stop by and visit him since he was going to be working down here today. I went over around 1 and met up with him and we had lunch together. After lunch he walked me out to my car. I don't know why I feel so innocent with him. As I turned to go and get into my car he said to me "well aren't you going to give me a kiss?" I smirked and said "this is suburbia and they don't like that sort of thing going on around these parts" We kissed, he told me that he would give me a call later tonight, and I then headed back to work. So far I really like him. Underneath his initial sarcasm I can tell he's a sweet guy.
So I decided to take off work tomorrow. I don't really fell like participating in all of the Halloween dress up festivities at work.. With it being my birthday I just really want to hand out. Sean and Suzette are going to take me to lunch and then I guess I'm going out to dinner with Steven and Philip tomorrow night to a pretty nice place. I'm looking forward to both. I also didn't really want to fight the traffic back into the city tomorrow evening with everyone coming to the Castro for the party. I remember the traffic last year and that's why I ended up staying at home and not going back up to the city.
Well since I just got home, I'm going to go and make myself some dinner and relax a bit. I'd like to head to bed early tonight and get some rest. Hopefully that will happen.
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@ Work
I'm so fucking irritated right now. I got the big blow-off from EVERYONE this weekend. I don't know why I always put so much effort into trying to maintain friendships with people that don't give a shit about anything except for themselves.
I'm really pissed at Sean and Suzette because it seems that they are unable to make any time for me while they are here. I guess it doesn't matter that every time I visit back east I go out of my way to see them, hang out with them, do things with them. I really thought that after 25 years, Sean and I were better friends then that. If they didn't want to bother doing anything with me then why did they make such a big deal about telling me they were coming out. Suzette always gets so wrapped up with her family that she leaves them no time for anything else.
When they were here last year over Sean's birthday I went to a party that Suzette had for him and then we all also went out to dinner. I guess with my birthday being this week it was too much to ask of anyone to maybe do something with me this weekend. Everyone is always too busy with their own fucking lives then to care about me or give a shit if I want to do something. I always used to like Halloween and the weekend before it because there are always parties and people out and about. I used to like to go out and do things with my friends and not sit at home. I always thought it was a really fun time, but once again this year was a sad reminder of how I got to spend my birthday last year at home alone in a new city.
I'm always the one that whenever anyone else wants to do anything I go -- I don't complain or make a big deal about it. I'm easy to get along with, I do the things other people want to do even if I'm not totally into it, because I just want to spend the time with them. But when it comes down to it whenever I want to do something everyone else makes a big deal about it and then I'm the one that gets blown off because whatever I want to do isn't as important as everyone else's busy life.
I really think I put too much effort into a friendship and then I'm the one that gets fucked in the end. I personally value my friendships very highly but I can see that it's just not that way for most people. Well fuck that I'm done with it. If people can't make time for me in their lives then I'm not going to make time for them in my life. I think my friendship is way too valuable to give away to people that don't truly care about me or my feelings.
The only thing I'm glad for right now are two people. Philip and Justin. Philip for going to dinner and drinks with me on Friday night before his friends got into town and for calling me all weekend to see how things were going. And Justin, for calling me to hang out even after the way I've been nasty with him at times. I'm surprised he still puts up with me.
I'm really in a foul mood today and I don't want to be here at work. I hate my job. I wish it wasn't raining out here today because I really need to take a walk outside and get some air. I really feel like hitting someone right now.
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@WORK. Well I got to work at 8:30 this morning. Imagine that. I was actually able to get my sorry ass out of bed to come in early. I wanted to come in early because I thought I was supposed to be going out to dinner with my friends from Philly tonight. Although I'm sort of pissed off that they haven't called me yet and I have no way to get a hold of them. I think I'm going to make other dinner plans. I really think it is rude to not let me know ahead of time when they want to meet up. Oh well ... I guess that's just the way life works.
I'm just now finally starting to feel better from the cold that's plagued me for the past 3 weeks. I hope that after this weekend I will be feeling much better. I really don't want to be sick over my birthday and Halloween.
Ok -- so I just heard from my friends. I swear -- straight people are so frustrating sometimes. I don't really feel like writing any more now. Maybe I'll continue this later.
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Tuesday, October 23, 2001 |
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@ Work
So I still have this damn cold that won't seem to go away. I actually do feel better today, so I think I'm going to go home and try and get some more sleep. It seems like sleep is the only thing that is really helping me to get rid of this mess. At least my back also feels somewhat better today as well.
I don't really have much to write today. It's been a really busy day at work and I haven't had much time to think about anything else. I really don't mind when I'm busy because it makes my day go faster and it makes me hate my job just a little less.
I really have to get my priorities straight and figure out some plan so that I can get out of this career choice and get myself back to school. Maybe I'm just really bored with my job because I'm not learning anything new. I know that I always feel sedentary when I'm not learning. I miss dealing with Web Technologies at work because it was constantly changing and always gave me the opportunity to learn.
I also wish that I didn't have to make this commute to Redwood City from SF every day. I would really be much happier if I could work in the city and just hope on MUNI to get to work. Oh well, I'll stop my bitching now.
I think I'm going to go home, cook some food, watch a little TV and then go to bed. It will be a nice and relaxing night tonight.
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@ Work
Ok -- so I basically had a pretty terrible weekend.
First of all I'm still sick from last week. At least one good thing -- my cough is almost gone now and all I have left is some congestion and general ill feeling.
The weekend actually started off pretty good. I went out to dinner with Steven, Philip and Brett to Tin Pan on Friday night. Steven met up again with his cousin Bonnie and we headed down to Martooni's to hang out and have a Martini. Philip, Brett and I left them there after about 2 hours to head up to the Cafe for a little bit. Martooni's was fun but I can only handle that place in small doses, and besides there wasn't much to look at in the crowd. Steven eventually headed up to the Cafe and we closed the place. Following the Cafe we went over to Baghdad Cafe to have some late night breakfast and that pretty much ended the night. Steven stayed overnight again at my place and we talked for a bit and then went to sleep.
Saturday was supposed to be a relaxing day. We slept in and got up around noon. I did get some rest and felt good since I was able to sleep in. I hoped in the shower and that's when things got really bad. I was coughing so much in the shower that I pulled a muscle in my back. I was just standing there coughing and all of a sudden this sharp pain hit me in my lower back, I almost fell to my knees. I stretched my back a bit and it seemed to feel alright, just a little tight. Steven and I headed down to our favorite place, Squat & Gobble to grab some salads before we went out shopping. As the day progressed my back just felt worse and worse. I couldn't even stand up straight. Anyway we headed down to the Sketchers Outlet on Mission so that I could hopefully get some shoes. Steven served as my personal fashion consultant and helped me pick out some "non-big-old-clunky-lesbian" shoes. I really like the 2 pairs that I purchased. They are pretty stylish. We then met up with Philip and Brett and headed over to Stonestown Mall where I bought some new clothes from J Crew, Abercrombie, and Banana Republic. I used the money my Mother gave me for my birthday since I was in desperate need of some new things. Following our shopping spree we dropped Brett off at his house in the Haight and headed back to my place so that we could go to the gym. The moment I sat down on the bed I knew that I wasn't going anywhere for the rest of the night. My back was just killing me and I could barely move. I decided to skip the gym, skip the party at Brett's friend's and skip a late night at Metropolis all to stay home and rest.
So -- I thought I was going to stay home and rest, but did that happen. No -- Well I did stay home but the rest part never happened. I was checking my mail for a minute and wondered why my computer was responding so slowly. I did a scan on the network connections and found all of these connections from Europe open on my server. After some more research I found that my system was totally compromised and there was about 2 GB of files being stored on my computer from Europe. Ugh -- so that started my long night. I had to back up some file and rebuild my server from scratch. I was needing to do this anyway, but it just gave me the reason to do so. So I spent the night getting things backed up and rebuilding the server. Just as I was about done with most of it, it was around 7am so I decided to go to bed. So much for laying in bed and resting. One of these months I may actually get to rest. This is really throwing my workout schedule off.
Sunday wasn't much better. I woke up around 1 pm and as I sat down in front of my computer again I found that I had been targeted again and had been infected with 3 viruses. All because I didn't apply the Microsoft Security patches before I went to bed. Ugh. So I had to once again rebuild my system and clean the contents of both drives. What a chore. This time I kept it off the internet until I had everything patched. It seems like everything is alright now. I should actually image my drive at this point and then I won't have to start over again in case something happens. So my Sunday was spent with a sore back and rebuilding my system for a second time. Not exactly my idea of a restful day. The evening ended up with me laying in bed and watching some TV before I went to sleep. What a bust.
I'm really going to have to take one of these weekends and just spend some time to myself. I love my friends and hanging out with them but I just have not had any time to get some things done that I've needed to do. Rest is one of them. I know this weekend isn't going to be any better with it being the weekend before Halloween there are going to be a bunch of parties. Also my friends from Philadelphia are coming out so I'll have to go to dinner with them one of the nights. Maybe the weekend after my birthday I'll be able to just stay in and get caught up on some of my tasks. Who knows.
So now -- I'm sitting here at work with a sore back and just irritated. I am actually starting to feel a little bit better with the exception of my back. Hopefully the Motrin will kick in soon. I know that I have to go home tonight and go to bed at a reasonable time. Maybe around 9 or 10.
So I'm irritated about my job. Can I just say how much I really despise my job right now. I don't know why ... well yes I do ... it's boring, mundane, routine and I just hate what I'm doing. I do not want to be a programmer. I know that for a fact. I enjoy computers but I think I rather enjoy them as more of a hobby then working with them for my career. I don't know ... maybe I should think about going back into system administration. At least that wasn't the same thing every day. I just hate having to sit here and write code all day. I really think I was meant to be around people and interact. I feel so secluded at work and I hate it. I actually hate getting up in the morning to come to work. I don't know if I'm ever going to find a job where I'm happy.
I think the only choice left for me is to get my bills taken care of and go back to school. I really miss college and I want to go back.. I want to go back and stay there and hopefully get a teaching position somewhere. Oh well ... Back to work I suppose.
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@ Work
So after some careful thought about it, I've decided to place another personal ad on the internet. I still am not ready to meet someone for a full time commitment, but I think it would be nice to just meet some new people, go out for coffee, have a conversation. I just think that it can't hurt.
I know that you cannot search for love or a relationship that it will just happen naturally, however by meeting people you definitely increase your chances of finding someone that you may have something in common with. After all, people have friends and you never know what may come about from it.
I really need to rework the text of my ad, but I just put up my standard text for now with some slight modifications. I'm just not sure how to accurately describe myself, my interests and what I'm looking for right now.
It seems to me that everyone who has a person ad out is either 1 -- only looking for sex or 2 -- a homebody and looking for another homebody. I fit into neither of those categories. I'm really enjoying my life right now and I'm certainly not ready to become a homebody again.
How can I accurately represent myself to someone. I'm educated, professional, dedicated and hard working, when it comes to my career and goals. When it comes to my personal life, I'm really fun, easy going and I just like to have fun.
Essentially I have two lives, my business life, and my personal social life. I keep them separate and to anyone who only knows one side of me would totally be shocked at how I act on the other side. How can someone view me as being an educated professional when I love to go out to gay dance clubs and occasionally do ecstasy. How can I be a wannabe club kid when I'm a senior software engineer and place so much focus on my goals and career. I just can't seem to find the right words to accurately express this to anyone. It seems like for me it has to be one or another.
The really sad part is I wonder if there is anyone else out there like me. I want to meet someone that is serious about their career, professional and educated, but then when the job is done, someone who can undo the tie, throw on the club clothes and go party until 6 am. I know that judging from the numerous amount of people at these clubs, there has to be other people like me. I mean don't get me wrong. There is much more depth to me then going to out clubs and doing drugs. I also enjoy being outdoors, hanging out with my friends, watching movies, reading and writing, but right now I'm just going through this phase where I want to be immersed in gay culture and explore everything while I'm still fairly young.
I don't want to portray myself as someone that doesn't like to go out much and wants to stay home all the time, but in the same turn I also don't want to make it look like all I do it go out. In either case I would not be representing myself accurately and would not want to give anyone the wrong impression.
I think back to my relationship with Rob. We were pretty much homebodies and just did things around the house or explored the city. We never really drank or partied, or went out and I was happy. Right? Was I? Well at least my memories of that time I was happy, but I look at him now and he has totally turned into Jun Cleaver with the house and all and I'm a total opposite. Maybe I've finally just let loose and become the person that I've wanted to be. Maybe that is why I always had this unsettled feeling in our relationship anyway. Who can say.
Well I guess all I can do it try and find some words and formulate them so that someone can truly understand who I am and what I enjoy. I guess it doesn't really matter anyway because if someone expects something different or don't like me for me, well then they can just move on to the next person.
Oh well -- we'll see. I'm looking forward to a mellow weekend. I'm still feeling a bit under the weather. Maybe I'll sleep in on Saturday and then head down to do some shoe shopping. It's about time I get rid of those damn lesbian shoes I have. The sole coming apart was a sign from God -- I just know it.
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Wednesday, October 17, 2001 |
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@ Work
I haven't really felt like writing much lately because I've been a bit under the weather and also haven't been in the mood to sit in front of the computer for any amount of time. I was out of the office Monday afternoon and all of Tuesday. I just slept most of the afternoon yesterday to try and get caught up on my sleep and help this cough to go away.
I spoke with Danny for a little bit today. He was telling me that he has finally decided to get his own apartment in Salinas. As he was describing it to me I felt a little jealous. Sometimes I really do miss having my own apartment.
It's amazing how much a persons perspective can change in one year. Prior to moving out here to San Francisco I had never lived in an old apartment since I left college. Part of the appeal of Phoenix was that everything was new. Every apartment I had in Phoenix had just been built and I was the first or at most the second occupant in that apartment. I remember when I first moved up to Foster City I was so disappointed when I saw the apartment I was moving into. The complex was around 15 years old and the apartment was far from being brand new. The kitchen was somewhat dirty, had older appliances and was just not as nice as what I was used to coming from Phoenix.
I look back now and I have to laugh at how much my attitude has changed. I've become much more accepting and less picky. I'm now living in a flat in a 100+ year old building. The kitchen and bathroom is older and the paint is layered on so thick that when you try and hammer a nail in the wall it just bounces back at you. And the most ironic part is that I don't mind any of this. I enjoy the location, I like the flat, and I've now grown accustomed to not having the best and newest place. I think back to that apartment in Foster City and I would love to having something like that now in the city. After everything that I've been through in the last year it wouldn't seem to be a bad place at all now. I think the type of places where I used to live in Phoenix are more of a dream here in the Bay Area due to the cost of living and simple fact that everything is older.
Mostly I miss 3 things about having my own place and living on my own. The first would be my own space and privacy. Living with roommates you have your own room, but you really do loose the feeling of your own space and you also only have a slight amount of privacy provided to you by secluding yourself in your room. Second would be that I miss having my own place to decorate and put things the way I want. I really hate having many of my things in storage to where I can't use them. Third would be that I miss having a fireplace. If there was one thing that I really enjoyed about my apartment in Foster City and also some of the apartments I had in Phoenix, it was having a fireplace. I love to just throw on a couple of logs and lay on the couch and watch TV. It was even nice when I had a date or even friends over. It really set a nice mood in the apartment.
I know that there are so many things I gain by living in the city and sharing a place with someone but deep down I'd still love to have my own place again. I think given a choice everyone would want that option.
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@ Home
Wow -- It's already Tuesday and it only seems like Monday. I had quite an exciting weekend.
On Friday night I was sitting around with Justin and Bee and we were trying to decide what do do for the weekend. I had mentioned a few days earlier that I couldn't believe it was only $100 for round trip tickets to Phoenix. So as I joke I said lets go to Phoenix. Well Bee and Justin both said ok -- lets go. I was a bit hesitant at first because I'm not really that spontaneous of a person but after some discussion about it I decided that I really wanted to go and get out of the city for a while. It would do me good to seem Mark and Andrea and spend some time with my dogs Zach and Koda. I really wanted Steven and Philip to go with us so that we could all have a mini-vacation, but Steven had to be in town since his Mother went in for surgery and Philip had to work. I think they were both disappointed they couldn't go.
So anyway we left Saturday morning on the 6am flight from SFO to arrive in PHX at 8am. Needless to say Mark and Andrea were very excited that we were coming but not too thrilled to have to pick us up that early on Saturday morning. They told me I had to take them to breakfast for making them get up. Bee, Justin and I were all so tired because we didn't get any sleep that night. We just stayed up and then went straight to the airport. We would be staying with Mark and Andrea at their apartment in Ahwatukee, which is the suburbia just a few miles southeast of Phoenix.
Most of Saturday was spent in the sun at the Pool. It was about 110 degrees outside but was pretty nice by the pool. The pool water was just the right temperature to cool you down, but wasn't cold to get into. It was great. Saturday night we had dinner at AZ88 in Scottsdale, which is one of my favorite places. It's right in the heart of Old-Town Scottsdale. Following dinner we headed down for some iced coffee at the Coffee Plantation in the Biltmore. We walked around the Biltmore a bit but it was still pretty hot so we headed back to Mark and Andrea's. We ended the night with a late night dip back in the pool to cool off before bed.
Sunday was again spent sitting by the pool with a few beers. It was slightly overcast, so it was much more bearable to be outside. We spend several hours out just talking. It was a very relaxing change. Later that night we went to the store to get some food and had a barbeque. Everyone was pretty tired so we all went to bed early.
Monday was spent sleeping in a little and then heading up to Ajo Al's for lunch. Ajo Al's is a pretty good Mexican restaurant that we used to go to frequently when I lived in Phoenix. It's up near my old apartment on 16th street and Camelback. After Lunch we drove around the Biltmore estates to gawk at all the huge houses and then up along Lincoln over to the 101. It was about time to meet up with Mark since he had to work, so we headed down to his office. From there Mark and Andrea took us over to show us the house in Mesa they decided to buy on Friday. We went back to the apartment to take a short nap and then headed down to Tempe for dinner and a walk. After dinner at Islands we walked down to the Tempe town lake and sat there talking for a bit. It was a very relaxing day for everyone.
This morning we caught the 6am flight from PHX back in to SFO at 8am. It seemed that these short few days was almost a week long vacation. It was really nice to get out of the city for a while, but I have to admit it was also nice to be back home.
Today was a pretty good day all around -- I received my IRS check and some other good news. Bee and I had lunch at the Indian buffet on Market and then I finished up some work from home. I'm really looking forward to going back to Phoenix but hopefully not until it's a little cooler there!Labels: AZ88
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Wednesday, October 10, 2001 |
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@ Home
It's such a nice day outside today. I just walked up to Castro to pick up my mail and grab a bit to eat. I love days like this, sunny and mild. I really feel at home in this neighborhood. Just walking around makes me appreciate everything that it has to offer. I think for once in my life I'm finally starting to feel somewhat content. I mean don't get me wrong, I would love to have my own place and not have to do the roommate thing, however I guess I just can't ask for too much right now. I'd much rather be living in my place for the location and put up with roommates rather then have my own place out in the middle of no where.
I went to the gym last night again with Steven. It was a really good workout. We focused mainly on chest and arms with the weights and ended our workout with some cardio. I really feel great about going to the gym and working out. I've gotten myself in a routine so that I want to make sure I can go at least 5 days a week. I am already seeing some slight improvements, so I don't think it will take me long to get to where I want to be.
Physically I feel pretty good today and I was in a really great mood this morning, but right now I'm slightly frustrated. It's the smallest things that really set me off anymore and I don't know why I let them bother me. Maybe I should just over look them or just ignore them but I can't. I'm just not wired that way.
All this shit with Bee just has me so worked up anymore. I just don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do. I used to enjoy hanging out with Bee but it all just became too much for me. It just got to the point that no matter what I did he would get bent out of shape over the smallest thing and it would end up with some long and drawn out phone call about how he wasn't appreciated or how he didn't think I cared about him or some other shit. It got so bad that I just didn't want to hear it anymore. You can only hear the same shit so many times. It's one thing to talk to someone about their problems but these were just ridiculous personal issues that were constantly the same every time. And it was never about anyone else, it was only about me. I can't understand why I never had these problems with any of my other friends. Why none of my other friends felt this way with me. For all I knew I thought I was a fun and easy person to get along with. I really tried with Bee. It is one thing to get emotionally involved in a friendship but he just carried it too far. He even got pissed off when I would get online. Like it was any of his fucking business what I did in the first place. He should have just minded his own damn business and worried about himself and not what I was doing.
I think the thing that pisses me off the most is that he has tried to turn all this around on me and make it look like it was my fault. That I let him take things too far. Well clue phone I never gave him any indication that I was interested in anything more then a friendship. I mean I was even in a relationship with Justin when all this was going on. What was he thinking. How fucked up is that? He says I'm running away from my problems -- well that is just not true. I'm not running away from anyone or anything but him. Because frankly he made my life miserable for the past few months. I'll admit that there were some really good times and we did have fun together, but the emotional drain that I felt in having to tip-toe around him with everything I did was just too much. That is more then anyone should be asked to do. In a normal friendship you just shouldn't have to act that way. I don't know maybe he just hasn't had any close gay friends before and doesn't know how to deal with his feelings. I really resent how he has made me feel and I haven't realized it until the past month. I've been so much happier since he's been out of my life and because of this I just don't want him back in my life. I knew all of this was going on when I left for Philadelphia and I addressed it with him. I tried to move on when I got back but it just progressed down the same path and even got worse. All those times he kept saying it wasn't us or me but it was him ... well yes that is right it was him, but yet he still made me always feel as if I was not giving enough of myself.
I actually enjoy going out to the bars now without him. Because when he would go out with us I felt as if I couldn't walk away from him without him getting pissed off. Maybe I wanted to be like Philip and go dance near other people and talk to other people but he made it clear that he was there to be with us and not meet other people. I'm glad he made this decision for me as well and that I never felt as if I could just walk away and do my own thing. He never said anything to Philip when Philip would dance away from us. He never said anything to Steven when Steven would want to sit down or hang out upstairs at Metropolis. But for me he had to always be right there ... to not give me any space and not let me move anywhere. I couldn't even go to the bathroom myself without him wanting to come along. That's bullshit. And all I had to keep hearing from him was that he never met anyone and just wanted to be with someone so that he didn't feel alone. Well damn, I don't know how you expect to meet anyone else when you are so connected with your friends that you don't even allow yourself a chance to have contact with anyone else.
One of the other things that really bothered me was his knack of really getting too personal and even bringing up things that were totally inappropriate. He wanted to believe that he knew me so well. He only thought he knew me so well because he would constantly pick and pick until he got the answer that he wanted from me. I think when you are friends with someone you shouldn't badger them with questions. They will tell you what they want you to know in time. That's the whole process of getting to know someone. He would ask me things that just became way too personal for someone to ask. He actually even implied to me that I was somehow abused as a child because I had a hard time opening up. How fucking ridiculous is this? I was really offended by this question because for one I had two of the best parents that anyone could have asked for and I was never in my life abused by anyone. And two, for someone like Bee, that hasn't known me for very long or my family for that matter to come out and ask a question like that is really disrespectful and hurtful. I don't know who made him the armchair psychologist. I guess because he found out his ex was abused, he had this theory that everyone was abused. He told me before he thought that maybe Philip was abused, and then that maybe Justin was abused. He really did think everyone around him was abused. I don't think these are things you should really go around saying to people and making judgments about people when you really don't know what the hell you are talking about.
Bee is a manipulator and likes to manipulate people so that he can use them for his needs. I don't honestly think he really cares about anyone but himself and I say this because he actions do not indicate anything different. He wants to make himself the center of everyone attention so that he can feel like he is everyone's best friend without any of his other friends getting too close to each other. This is so apparent by him always saying that he feels left out whenever someone does something without him. He can't handle the fact that someone may be having fun and he's not included.
So now that I've said all that I still don't why I get so frustrated over this. I'm still really bitter over everything that's happened and I know that I'm not going to get over it any time soon. I really do not want Bee back in my life in any way. I don't want to talk to him, I don't want him to E-Mail me or message me. I just don't want him in my life at all. I know that things will never change with him and I'm just not ready to deal with that again. At this point in my life I need to surround myself with people that I enjoy spending time and doing things with and not people who will bring me down all the time. I know that Philip and Steven just cannot understand the way I feel because they truly do not know what he put me through all this time and furthermore he never acted this way with either of them, just me.
I think when it really comes down to it, I'm sort afraid that being the manipulator he is, he's somehow going to try and work his way right back in the middle between Philip and Steven so that he can force himself back in my life. I can see this happening lately by the way he's been trying to get Steven to move in with him and the way he only tells Philip the things he knows will get back to me. It's these things that frustrate me because I know that he doesn't give two shits about them at all. It was me that begged Steven to talk to Bee again when all that stuff was going on months ago between Bee and Steven. It was me that kept calling Philip and trying to include him in the things we did. Not Bee -- he didn't call anyone except for me unless it suited his needs. He'll be the first to remind someone when he's done something for them and they owe him a favor.
Ok -- I'm done with stressing over all this shit. I just needed to vent a bit and I know that only through writing do I make myself feel better. Because writing is how I express myself and I can go back and reflect on the way I feel. What happens will happen and I have to realize that I have no control over it. The only thing I can control are the people whom I choose to be a part of my life.
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Tuesday, October 09, 2001 |
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@ Work
So much for having a mellow weekend. Friday started out with Steven, Philip and I having dinner at Zao on 16th and Market. It was good but didn't settle too well in my stomach. We then headed over to the Bar on Castro where Steven met up with his cousin Bonnie who came up to the city to hangout. After a few drinks there we headed down to Martooni's. We had a few cocktails and and then headed up to the Cafe around 1 am to grab a drink before they closed. I was feeling a little down by the time we got to the Cafe, not sure why. Mainly I think it was because I was just thinking that it seems really hard to actually meet someone in this city. Anyway I happened to run into an old friend, Casey, and he hugged me and made me feel good. He pretty much made my night. After that Steven and Bonnie left and then Philip and I walked outside only to have Philip remember that he left his jacket and keys in Steven's car. We called Steven and left a message for him and started walking back to my place. Philip sort of sensed there was something wrong with me because I was being quiet. He put his arm around me and asked what was bothering me. There was something that I had been wanting to tell him but it just seemed that the right time never really came up. For some reason I felt it was the right time and I decided to fill him in on everything that's been going on with me. It was a very bonding thing for us both. I felt closer to him and he said later that he felt much closer to me now. We went back to my place where Steven showed up and we had some cheesecake and just sat around and talked. Steven and Philip decided just to crash at my place so we all pretty much passed out on the bed until Steven decided to get up and sleep on the floor instead.
Saturday morning started out with us getting ready at my place, heading over to Philip's place so that he could get ready. We then went to grab some breakfast on 24th street before we headed down to Foster City so that I could drop off something in my storage unit and stop at target. We went down to Foster City and then stopped over at my office where I showed Philip and Steven where I worked. From there we decided to take a trek down to the Stanford Shopping Center and walk around. It was a really nice day outside and a great day to get out of the city. We spend a few hours just window shopping and walking around before we headed back up to the city. On the way back up we stopped again in Foster City so that I could get some things from Target that I needed for the house. We got back to Philips place around 7:45, just in time for him to get ready for his date with Brett at 8 pm. From there Steven and I went back to my place, parked and dropped my things off. We then headed up to Squat & Gobble Cafe to have some salads. We thought we would have a quite night and maybe watch a movie or something but after dinner we ended up going out and meeting Merced at the Bar on Castro. Seems like we always end up there. We spent about 3 hours there talking and having drinks and then we decided to go down to the Lone Star. We had a drink there and Merced wanted to go to the Power House. I wasn't really thrilled about this choice but I since Steven drove Merced's car down I didn't really have much say. We went over and hung out for a little bit. Steven and I stood out in the front of the bar while Merced went to hang out in the back for a bit. We weren't there very long because the bar was closing within about 20 minutes of us getting there. From there we went back to my place and Steven and I crashed.
Sunday was the Castro Street Fair. We were going to try and head over at 11 because we were going to leave early to go to Mass. Being that Steven and I were a bit tired, we choose to sleep a little longer. Justin eventually showed up at my place around 11 to wake us up. We got ready and then headed over around Noon. It was fun just walking around and watching people. It was pretty mild and just a normal street fair. We ran into Philip and Brett a few time and eventually they came over to hang out with us. Later in the afternoon we stood over at the dance area for a little bit and then headed back to my place to get ready for Mass. Philip, Steven and I wanted to go to Mass just to see what it was all about. Neither Philip or I had been to 1015 Folsom and I was really curious. We got there around 6 pm and waited in line until about 6:20 before we made it inside. The only thing that scared the shit out of me was the fact that I was so stupid in taking that pill of Ecstasy inside with me. The doormen pat you down pretty good and I was really afraid that I would get caught even though I hid it pretty well. When I got to the doorman he patted me down an asked me what was in my pocket. I didn't think that anything was in my pocket but when I reached in I pulled out three condoms ... how embarrassing. At least it wasn't something else. Anyway what I didn't know that the rest of the world seemed to know was that you take your pills outside before going in. Duh. I wasn't sure if I was going to take it anyway that's why I wanted to take it in with me. Once I got inside and saw the club, I knew I was going to have a good time. The space was much more then I expected. The laser lights, overhead lights, and music was quite spectacular. I really enjoyed myself. We ran into Jose and he hung out with us for most of the night. Here I thought Jose was such a straight laced guy and he was rolling as well. What a crack up. We also ran into Bryan but he was pretty much in his own world, as usual. I had a really good time just dancing and listening to the music. We headed out around 11 because Steven was totally sober and getting tired. I could have stayed longer but I didn't mind going. I know that if I was totally sober I wouldn't have lasted as long as Steven. When I got home I was still a bit jittery from the Ecstasy. I knew that I was going to have trouble getting to sleep but It wasn't too bad though, I watched some TV for a while and then finally did manage to get some sleep.
So it was a pretty full weekend for all of us. I think I'm going to take this coming weekend off from the club and bar scene. I really just want to hang out and relax a bit. I want to be fresh and well rested for Halloween and my birthday.
I really need to get to the gym tonight because I'm feeling guilty for not going at all this weekend. I really wanted to go on Saturday, but we just ran out of time. I went 5 times last week and I'm going to start making it a habit to go at least 5 times a week. That is the only way I will be able to achieve my goals. When I first started going to the gym I really used to like going alone, because I felt like it was time to myself, but I have to admit that I'm really glad when Steven goes with me. He really helps to motivate me to go and helps me with the weights.
As for Steven I really have to say that I admire his courage. He is going through a really tough time in his life right now. He and his b/f of 11 years are in the process of a not so pleasant breakup. He has taken the worse shot that his ex can throw at him and has still managed to keep himself composed and level headed. I love that about him. I know that it's tough and to an extent I can understand what he is going through. It's never easy to be in this situation, but I know that he is strong and can get through. I'm glad that I can be there for him and I hope he knows that he can ask anything of me ... no matter what. Steven really has become my best friend and only want the best for him. He deserves someone that will treat him right and give him the love that he deserves. I hope he doesn't ever forget this.
As for me, I can sense that I've started to be a little moody lately. I think I'm getting to the point where I really want to meet someone and go on a date. I just like the whole newness about meeting someone and getting to know them. I totally know that I'm not ready or for that matter want a relationship right now, it's just that I want some attention from someone once and a while. Although I'm not going to go and start looking for a date, I figure it will happen eventually. I just have to snap myself out of this foul mood that I get in sometimes about it and be patient. In the meantime .. back to the gym!
Well anyway I better get back to work.
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Thursday, October 04, 2001 |
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@WORK. Thursday, October 04, 2001, 02:06 pm
Hmm ... I have so many thoughts running through my head right now that I don't even know where to start writing. I'm having a great day and I just want to shift my writing for a moment away from my life and just write about some of the random thoughts I've been having lately. Things like ...
--When do you decide you are ready to date someone? Must you have this great need for companionship above and beyond your general friendships or does it just happen when you meet someone that you may be interested in? Or Both?
--When does dating stop being dating and become a relationship?
--How many times do you actually need to go on a date before you decide if it has the potential to lead to something more?
--When you go out with someone and the realization that it will not lead to something more sets in, how is the best way to handle the situation?
--When do you actually know you've fallen in love with someone and how do you know it's even love?
--Why is it important for some people, such as myself, that everyone like them?
--Why is success an important factor to many like myself and for those of us where it is a factor, could we ever feel fulfilled as a person if we are not successful?
--Can someone be happy being alone? Why does it seem to take another person for people to feel complete?
--Does monogamy really exist in the gay community, or even in the heterosexual world for that matter? Is it a belief that has been forced upon us by social and religious influence or is it actually an inherent trait for humans to bind in only a single pair coupling? If for example you were raised in an environment where monogamy was not the norm, would you believe that a monogamous relationship was something unusual and perhaps immoral or just accept it as a personal decision of the parties involved?
--Why do some people value close friendships more then others? Why does the word friendship have a different meaning to different people?
So many questions, so little answers. I guess these are the questions that give life it's purpose and meaning. They answers that we come up with to these questions are what define us as a person and more importantly as an individual.
I believe that the answers to many of these questions stem from what is taught to us and what we experience throughout our lives. Much of what we believe, our morals and our values are just an extension or our parents. As children we tend to be influenced and define our beliefs by listening to our parents and more or less inheriting their belief structure by default. What about in the case where someone did not have much of a parental, adult, or role model influence in their early life? Do they simply formulate the answers to these questions on their own based on personal experience alone? Something to think about.
I don't know why I think about things like this but I really find the discussion of these types of issues to be interesting.
One of the other topics I find interesting is homosexuality itself. If given a choice with no social stigma either way would someone actually choose to be gay? Does growing up as a gay child have a tendency to cause us to be closed to others and have a habit of keeping things inside? Looking back on my life so far I can't actually say that anyone would want to choose this lifestyle. It frustrates me sometimes that so many people believe it is truly a choice when to me it seems so obvious that it is not.
Anyway -- enough of that for now.
I do feel really great today. I didn't get enough sleep last night but I did make it to the gym for the 4th day in a row last night. I've been gradually increasing my workout and weight routine each time. When I get home from the gym I feel so much better that I've gone. It's easy to think about skipping the gym when I'm tired or hungry, especially when I get home from work, but having some sort of goal has really helped me to be motivated to going. I feel as if I have to go and I know that I cannot achieve my goal if I don't go. I've been trying not to work too hard so that I would burn out, but I've been taking some big steps lately to run more and start aggressively on a solid weight routine. It feels really good. Just after a few weeks of the gym I can notice a small difference especially in my arms. This feeling is helping my desire to go because I know the more I work the better results I will see. It's actually exciting for me.
So Steven and I decided on a whim today that we wanted to go to Palm Springs for New Year's this year. Well actually he wanted to go to Palm Springs and I wanted to go for New Year's .... It's going to be the Masterbeat 2002 party which is basically the White Party of New Year's Eve. We already made the pool-side hotel reservations and are going to get the tickets soon. I'm really excited about it. We talked about it for all of 2 minutes and I said what the hell, let's just go and do something different for a change. I had mentioned it yesterday to both Steven and Philip, but I didn't actually think we would do it. Well I guess now it's going to be a reality. Hopefully Philip will be able to take the time off and not have to work. I know we will have a blast. I've been dying to go to a "real" circuit-party so now is my chance. We were thinking about going to the White Party in April, but I'd much rather go for this.
Ok ... enough babble ... I have to get back to work before our company happy hour at 5.
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Wednesday, October 03, 2001 |
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@ Home
What a day today. I was able to work from home today again. I really love working from home on Wednesday's because I'm able to get all of my laundry done and get my room cleaned up.
I was able to go through my closet today and get a bunch of junk put away. It feels good to have a neat and tidy room ... well at least one side of the room anyway.
I actually did have to do a bunch of work today. I'm pretty tired because I was forced to get up early to make sure we were not going to release to production in the morning. I thought I would lay back down but just kept finding things I needed to get done. Especially since I was at the gym last night until 2 am working out, I really need the sleep. I ended up working until about 9pm tonight because the release was pushed out from this morning until the 6-9 timeframe tonight. I didn't have much to do but my credibility was strengthened with my boss since I was online and doing things the entire time. He thanked me for my help and effort. It's always nice to be appreciated.
I went to the gym again tonight with Steven. I pushed myself much harder then before. I have to admit it feels really good.
Well other then that I don't really have much to write about tonight. I'm sort of tired so I'm off to bed ...
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Tuesday, October 02, 2001 |
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@ Work
First about me
It always seems like I get the urge to write in my Journal right around 3 or 4. I guess because it's getting close to the end of the work day and I need to take a break from my daily grind.
I'm actually feeling really great today. I'm going to head over to the gym again tonight when I get home from work. I'm really starting to enjoy going to the gym because I can feel the results. I vowed this weekend that I was also going to start eating healthier and being more active. No more chocolate from the break room, no more high fat meals. Since my birthday is coming up I've really made a promise to myself that by this time next year I want to be in the best shape ever. I know what I want and I know what it takes, now I just have to make sure to keep myself motivated enough to obtain it.
Talk with Mom
I had a long talk with my Mom last night on the phone while I was driving home from work. It's been a while since we actually talked that long. I sometimes wish that I was closer to home and could spend more time with her, but I know that she understands why I'm here and why I like it so much. She has been asking me what I wanted for my birthday and XMas and I told her nothing in particular, maybe just money and that way I could use it to get a new computer. She asked me yesterday how much I needed for a new computer, but after giving it some thought I realized that I didn't really want to spend the money on a new computer right now. The system I want is close to $3000 and that isn't really necessary for me to spend that much at this point. I told her to not worry about it, that I didn't want anything, I just needed some new clothes instead. She said she would just give me money anyway and I could use it for whatever I needed. My Mom is so sweet, she always takes care of me when I need it.
Good news
I guess I should be really happy right now. We just received some great news at our company meeting this afternoon. It looks like we are going to exceed our revenue predictions for this past quarter and that October is going to be our strongest month ever. So in light of everything else that's going in the economy I guess I have reason to be happy. I was afraid that our revenue would be down for the quarter and we would be thrown off track for profitability. Hopefully we are still on track for profitability early next year sometime because I definitely do not want to have the company run out of money and then be looking for a new job. I'm not going to worry about it right now though, I'm just going to enjoy having a good month.
The Music
So I received a new CD in the mail today from Masterbeat. It's the official CD for the Montreal Black and Blue 2001 Festival. I'm really glad that I signed up for the Masterbeat mailing list and get the CD's in the mail automatically when they are released. It saves me from having to go and search for new music. I like the Masterbeat CD series because they release them frequently enough to have the same same songs they are playing in the clubs. Most of the other CD's that come out have songs that are over a year old and not really played that much in the mainstream clubs.
I don't know what it is, but I've noticed a drastic change in my music interest as of late. For some reason I just really love listening to hard-core techno / dance / electronica. I'm not quite sure why or where this came from. I've always liked dance music, but the type that I'm listening to now is much different then what I listened to when I was living in Phoenix. Ever since my introduction to San Francisco, Metropolis, the Circuit Party scene, and little pink pill, I've gained this new found interest in the Circuit Party / rave style music. I find the sound of it to be so incredible for me. It's very pleasing to listen too and I just cannot seem to get enough of the music. It seems that in itself the music is almost like a drug. When I'm alone I love to just sit back, close my eyes and move with the beat of the music. It's quite an extraordinary feeling that I would not have been able to explain just 1 short year ago.
Now judging by the overwhelming attendance at the rave-style dance clubs there are many others that feel the same as I do about the music. Or then again, maybe I'm just weird.
Living in San Francisco
I'm finally feeling settled and very happy about my decision to move to San Francisco. I can't believe that it took me almost a year to get settled. I will have been here exactly one year on October 13th. I really don't know if I would be able to live anywhere else now that I'm getting so accustomed to the lifestyle here. I love the way that San Francisco is laid out in so many different small neighborhoods. It's nice to have such a variety and selection of small shop's and restaurants. I love the neighborhood feeling so much better then that of the strip mall, suburbia feeling. I'm really glad that I decided to move to the city.
Ok -- well it's now 5:05 and I've been back and forth with this today, so I'm going to take a break and finish up some work before I head home and then to the gym.
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@ Home
Wow what a busy weekend ...
Friday night started out with drinks at Detour, over to the Bar on Castro, then the Cafe and finally ending the night appropriately at the End Up. I really like going to the End Up on Friday nights for Fag Fridays because they play the best dance music there. It's a bit loud, but you can really get into dancing there. I took a cab home a little earlier then the rest of my friends from the End Up because I was feeling tired and I just wanted to get home. At that I still didn't get home until 5 am.
Saturday I caught up on some much needed sleep. I stayed in bed until around 6 pm. I was up around noon, but ended up laying back down again to catch up. Around 7 pm I went to the gym with Steven and worked out for about an hour and 1/2. Later that night Philip, Steven and I had soup and salads at the Squat and Gobble cafe and then we headed over to the Bar on Castro to meet up with Steven's other friends, Merced, Louis, Gregg, and Edward. We decided to make it a bar tour night with the Castro being so busy. From the Bar on Castro we went to Daddy's (interesting crowd), the Edge, Moby Dicks, the Midnight Sun and then over to the Detour. After the Detour the rest of the guys went out to some of the Soma Bars but Steven, Philip and I headed down to Universe to do some dancing. We ran into Brian, and Philip ran into Brett and we all just headed out to the dance floor. Steven and I decided to spice up the night a bit and split the little yellow ... um ... piece of candy (*grin*) ... that I was fortunate enough to obtain from a friend. Wow -- let me tell you -- What a fun time. I was really surprised that 1/2 this time had the same effect as when I've done a whole one before. It's amazing how different each ... um ... flavor of candy (*grin*) turns out to be. Lets just say It was quite an interesting flavor and lasted a really long time. Anyway -- enough of that talk, we ended up dancing until around 5:45 am and then headed home at around 6 am.
Overall it was a really fun and busy night. Some of the things that happened were just too funny. I don't think I laughed so hard in such a long time. One of the most memorable points of the night was at Moby Dicks. Steven said hello to this guy who we had met at the Cafe on Friday night. The guy was a total asshole and said "Oh I don't remember you, I have short-term memory ..." So with that as this guy and his friend sat their full frozen drinks down on the bench seat to go outside for a drink, Steven picked up the drinks one by one and proceeded to drink them both. Philip and I were just laughing uncontrollably. When he was finished with them he said to us "See what happens when they act like a bitch to me, I'll drink their drinks." It might not sound funny, but at the time we couldn't stop laughing. We quickly left the bar before the two came back in to find their drinks gone. If only I could have seen the look on their faces.
Sunday was an interesting day as well. We headed down for my first time at the Folsom Street Fair. It was actually more mild then I thought it would be. I had been expecting to see people having sex in the middle of the street and God knows what else, but it really wasn't too bad. There were some questionable things going on, and definitely some sketchy people, but overall it was pretty interesting. I can't believe how hot it was out there. It was the perfect day to be outside. We ended up hanging out by the Dance area for a while and just dancing to the music. They had a really good DJ spinning. Steven and his friends headed out to the Lone Star while Justin, Philip and I just walked around a bit more as things winded down. We grabbed some Cheesesteaks at Wiz Wit and then headed back home. Justin and I went over to Philip's place to watch the first episode of the Sopranos which he had on DVD. I guess one of these night's we'll just have to do a marathon of them all. Then Justin and I went to the gym for a while to work out a bit. I swore that I was going to go to the gym today, so even though I didn't feel like it I made myself go and I feel really good that I did.
So -- In short I had a really great weekend. It seemed both short and long. Short in the sense that it went by really fast, but long in that we did so many things. Hopefully next weekend I'll be able to get some rest, but with the Castro Street Fair going on, I don't know what is going to happen.
Well I guess I better end this and get to bed or I'm going to be really tired for work in the morning. Thank god I don't have to be there at 8 am. Hopefully it will not be that busy of a week. We'll see.
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