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Hello I'm Rich Brown and this is my personal website and blog. I'm just your simple, average, down to earth, professional, out gay man and aspiring circuit boy, living in Phoenix, Arizona with a few things to say while trying to find my place among all the scary, conservative, religious nuts in this sick and twisted world.
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Monday, November 19, 2001 |
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@ Work
Back to the daily grind of work. I've been really busy now since I'm pushing a deadline for my new application. It should prove interesting to see if I make the deadline or not.
Well this weekend was much different for me. Philip, Steven and I went up to Lake Tahoe on Saturday for the night. I stayed at Stevens on Friday night and then we all left around 6 am on Saturday morning. Philip had a coupon for a free night's stay at any Hyatt, so he made reservations for us to stay at the Lake Tahoe Hyatt in Incline Village. It was a really nice place.
We got up to Lake Tahoe around Noon on Saturday. We stopped at a few places along the lake to just take in the scenery and take some photos. We stopped at a local Safeway and picked up some cheese, crackers and wine to have when we were back at the hotel. After going to Safeway, we found the Hotel and since we couldn't check in early we decided to take a drive down to the South Lake. We made it back to the hotel around 2 pm, checked in and had our cheese, crackers, and wine in the room. Around 4:30 Steven headed down to the workout room, Philip decided to take a nap, and I went for a walk down by the Lake front. Since the sun was setting along the lake I went down to take some pictures. I just didn't want to sit in the hotel room. It was pretty chilly out and the air was very brisk. It reminded of being back in the mountains of Pennsylvania. It also reminded me of the holidays by the way the cold air felt and smelled.
When I got back to the Hotel I played a bit in the casino and won a little bit of money. Enough for me to stop and go back up to the room. Steven made his way back and the the 3 of us headed down to the Lone Eagle Grill on the Lake Front to sit and have some drinks. The grill was more of a ski lodge type of restaurant and we sat next to the fireplace in a leather couch just having a few drinks and some appetizers. We stayed for about 2 hours or so just talking and taking it all it. It was a really nice evening. After the Grill we grabbed our bathing suits and our last bottle of wine and headed out to the hot tub. The pool and hot tub were both heated and we enjoyed some wine while sitting outside in the hot tub. It was a lot of fun.
Later that evening we headed down to the casino to try out luck for a bit. Steven only stayed long enough to loose $10 and then he went back up to the room. Philip and I played roulette for a few hours and ended up losing everything we started with. Even though we lost, it was fun to sit and play. I enjoyed myself.
On Sunday we got up, got ready, checked out and then headed up the street for breakfast. We decided to stop in the Tahoe Biltmore Casino for their $1.99 breakfast special. All three of us had breakfast and the total bill came out to be about $7. The food was actually pretty good. You can't beat the Casino restaurant prices. After that we headed back to San Francisco. On the way back we made a brief stop to visit one of Steven's high school friends in Sacramento. She was a total trip. We just sat there and laughed at some of her stories. We stayed for about an hour or so and then headed back to the city. We got in around 6 or so I think and then went down to the Castro to grab a quick drink and some pizza before I dropped Philip and Steven off at home. I headed back to my place and went to bed shortly after. I really needed to get some sleep, which I did.
I feel pretty good today so I'm glad that I was able to get some rest. I had a great time this weekend and I look forward taking more trips like this one.
Well I guess I better get back to work now I have a bunch of things to do today.
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Thursday, November 15, 2001 |
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@ Work
Wow -- Thursday already. Man this week is just blowing by. I guess it's because I've been really busy this week. with work. That's a change for me. I like work a little better when I'm busy because it makes the day go by just a little faster.
Yesterday was supposed to be my work from home day. I had 2 appointments at the DMV in the morning. One at 10:15 to try and get my CA drivers license and then one at 11:15 to pick up my new Lake Tahoe license plates. I ended up staying up until 4 am on Tuesday night reading the drivers manual just to make sure I knew everything. I'm glad I did because there were some questions on there I would not have known if I would not have read the manual. So anyway I got my drivers license and plates so now I feel like an official Californian.
I'm a bit sore today because I worked out pretty hard the past 2 days at the gym. I'm finally starting to get back into a routine of the gym again since I stopped when I got that flu last month. It's so hard to get back when you stop
Well I have to cut this really short because I don't have much time today. I can't wait to get away this weekend for a little bit. I need to rest.
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Tuesday, November 13, 2001 |
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@ Work
Well today turned out to be a really busy day for me. I actually did get a lot of work done, but I still have much to do before my deadline in 2 weeks.
Well what was supposed to be a quiet weekend for me turned out to not be. Which is alright I guess. I keep telling myself that one of these years I'll actually stay home and clean up, but for now I'm just having fun.
I went out for some drinks with Justin on Friday night. After my night out on Thursday night I didn't really feel like staying out late. Saturday was lunch and shopping with Philip, and then just hanging out at my place over TV with Philip and Steven. Justin came over and then we all headed down to Universe around 10 pm. It was a pretty good night there -- so many cute boys! Woo Hoo! Anyway I had fun -- Steven left around 2 or so and Philip, Justin and I left around 4 am I think. We went back to my place and slept until around 2 pm on Sunday afternoon. So much for a productive Sunday. We got up watched TV for a bit and then went to get some food around 4 pm. We eventually ended up at Starbucks, the Bar on Castro, the Cafe and then the Sausage Factory for dinner. It felt as if all we did on Sunday was eat.
After dinner we ended up at Superstar Video so that Philip could check out the "Adult" video selection. I rented finding North and Justin and I went back to my place to watch it. It was a cute movie.
Last night was supposed to be the first Ab Fab episode but for some reason my satellite time was wrong and I must be getting Comedy Central on east coast time as opposed to west coast. Ugh. Needless to say Philip, Steven, Justin and Brett who had all come over to watch it were a little disappointed. We talked about New Years for a while and then watched Defying Gravity and everyone went home.
I can't believe that Thanksgiving is already next week. This year is really flying by for me. I just seems like a few months ago that I arrived here in the Bay Area and it's already been well over a year now. I guess the older you get the faster life seems to fly.
Well I better cut this short and get my ass back to work.
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Friday, November 09, 2001 |
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@ Work
So last night I decided to go out. Alone. It was a pretty weird feeling going out to a bar alone. I don't think I've done that since back in March. It wasn't all that bad but not really anything / anyone interesting out. I started out at the Bar on Castro with a Stoli and Tonic w/ double lime as usual. I sat there for a while and just watched people but there weren't really too many people in there. Just a few couples here and there. Oh and there was the occasional old man that would come in look around, look at me sitting alone, look around, look at me again and then leave after they realized I would look back at them. I did have one homely guy look at me a few times and then try and sit down next to me but I think when I didn't even turn my head his way he got frustrated and got up and walked back to the bar. Ugh -- some people are just so pathetic. I was hoping that none of these weirdoes would talk to me because then I would just have to be rude. I sat there for about an hour or so maybe and then left.
I walked on over to the Cafe to see what was going on there. No sooner then I had gotten a beer from the bar I ran into Brett. It was nice to see a familiar face. He was there with a friend of his and we talked for a while. I like Brett he's a nice guy. There were a few cute guys there but they all seemed to be latched on to other guys. Oh well I guess that's the way it goes. Eventually Brett and his friend Tim went off to the dance floor. I hung around for a few songs and then decided I would head back up the street.
I walked past the Bar on Castro again and I think there were less people in there then before. I headed over to Badlands to check it out since I had not been there in a while. There is a reason that I don't really like Badlands all that much. It's such a small place, gets pretty crowded and most of the guys seem pretty old. Anyway that's just my opinion. So I stayed for a beer, walked up to get my mail from my post office box and then decided to call it a night and head home.
It wasn't a bad night, just different. I don't think I really like going out by myself. Maybe if I tried it on the weekend it would be a bit better.
I guess it goes back to the age old question of where do you meet people? I know that I personally do not like to go up to people for fear of rejection. I've always been this way since I can remember. I'm just not all that bold. I think that if I would have see anyone interesting last night I would have gone up and talked to them but unfortunately no one really caught my attention. I had a conversation with Steven yesterday and I've decided that there has to be other people like us out. Meaning people who are also afraid to go up to others. When you think about it even if it turns out that someone you go up to isn't interested you aren't any worse off then if you didn't go up to them at all. What is the worst thing that could happen if you talk to someone. They give you the blow off. But at that point you really didn't loose anything. I think you have more to gain by talking to someone then just sitting there and then wondering. At least that's what I think.
I have been thinking for a while now that I really just wanted time to myself and that I didn't want to be in a relationship again for a while. I don't know if that was really honest or accurate. I think I truly believed that but now I'm starting to feel differently. I really do want to meet someone. I want to meet someone that can make me happy. Someone that I enjoy spending time with, and someone that I can share my life with. I always start to feel this way around this time of the year. I guess it's not strange why most of my relationships either start or end around the October / November / December time frame.
I think that lately with the weather changing I have been getting really sentimental about things. The smell of the fireplaces burning and the crisp winter air is bringing back memories of when Rob and I were together. I miss the times when it would be near the holidays and we would get dressed up and go walking around window shopping and have some hot apple cider. It was always the best time of the year for us. One time that I remember most specifically was a time when I was working in Washington D.C. Rob came to visit me and it was only about a week before Christmas. We got dressed up and went down to Georgetown to walk around. It started to lightly snow and the whole town was decorated for the holidays. We went down to Dean and Deluca and sat outside under the heater with some coffee. We then walked around Georgetown just talking and window shopping. I really miss times like that. Those were the times of my relationship with Rob that I miss the most.
I know that when I go out with someone I always have a tendency to still hold them up to Rob in comparison. I don't know why I do it because I know that it's not fair to me or the other person. Everyone is different and unique in their own way and just because they don't have the same qualities that Rob had, they may have other better qualities. I guess I just do it out of habit because he was the first person that I ever truly fell in love with and we had a great relationship for many years. I've been trying to ease up a bit lately and just take people for face value. It seems to be working but I guess I have yet to really meet the right person. I don't know.
I do know that I don't want to be single for the rest of my life. I want to meet someone that I can be with and someone with whom we both can share each others lives. I know this person has to have some of the same interests as me and also has to be pretty close to my age and education. I also think it's important for this person to be a free-thinker and also have his own interests and friends. The last thing I really want is for someone to sit around waiting for me all the time. What I do know is that I can't go out looking, that it will just have to happen. Maybe someday.
Deep down I think what I fear the most is that I won't find someone and I'll be alone for the rest of my life. I don't want to be one of these 40 y/o men who is out cruising the bars for a hookup. I would hope that by then I could find someone I'm compatible with and be able to have some sort of commitment with them. I think that as we get older it becomes increasingly difficult to meet someone. It's also difficult when you do meet someone to try and integrate your lives together because the older you get the more settled you become in your home, your habits and your own life. Well -- I guess I'll just keep my fingers crossed. Thank god I have my friends.
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Thursday, November 08, 2001 |
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@ Work
I was thinking on the way to work today how it seems that we feel sort of disconnected on the West Coast. Growing up on the East Coast close to New York and Washington D.C. you sort of felt more in touch with the "heartbeat" of the country. Now that I'm living on the other side of the country I can see how easy it is for Californians to feel somewhat separated and disconnected. We barely even acknowledge the fact that a war is going on right now because it doesn't seem to have much affect on us out here. I'm starting to find out that living in California really does make people soft. Those who have never lived anywhere else cannot understand what we from that side of the country call the "East Coast" mentality. This would include the "East Coast Work Ethic" as well as "East Coast Conservatism." Now I'm not saying that either of those are a good thing, I'm just saying it's a totally different way of thinking and a completely different way of life in general. Living on the East Coast you seem to feel as if everything is going on around you. Out here it is just another day, same old routine, as if nothing different is going to happen in our lives. This may or may not be a bad thing but I believe that when people are not in touch with what is going on in the world or even in our own country it can lead to complacency. A type of complacency which pits us against our fellow Americans because we can't understand why they may have such strong opinions or feelings regarding a particular matter. Anyway -- just a thought I was having today.
The more I think about what is going on in the world today I'm really opposed to what we are doing in Afghanistan. I think that by our continued bombing campaign we are succeeding in making more enemies in the world. I am honestly afraid as an American to travel abroad with the way the world sentiment seems to be looking down on Americans. I admit that it was a terrible thing that happened in New York on September 11, however I don't think that a "war" which is focused around one country is the way to solve these problems. Look at the amount of money we are spending to conduct this bombing campaign and war. What if that money was taken and used to increase the security systems in the airports and just domestically. Wouldn't that also help us. Why not wait until someone like Bin Laden surfaces and then go in for him. Every interview that I see on the news with someone from the middle east is completely negative towards America and Americans. I'm patriotic and proud to be an American because frankly life here in the states is probably better then most places in the world, however I'm embarrassed at the way our government acts and try's to impose it's belief system on everyone else. I don't know what we as Americans can do to stop this from happening. I understand that Foreign policy is an important issue, but when it comes down to it our Government is supposed to be here for us as Americans. I think they need to get out of this role as the world police officer and focus more on domestic issues. We need to stop giving away all of our hard earned tax money to other countries and clean up some of the problems we have in our own country. I don't know ... I think somewhere in there we just lost track of what our founding fathers intended for this country. We are still a great country, but imagine how much better we could be if we fixed our own problems.
I've been thinking a great deal about politics, art, and world issues lately. I miss having my Father around to discuss and debate these issues. I really do think I need to go back to school so that I can at least have some sort of forum with others where I can sit and talk about somewhat more intellectual topics. I enjoy talking, learning, understanding others views and I enjoy the challenge of debating others in regard to my views. I think as shallow as the gay community is here in San Francisco, it's difficult to find someone who can have a conversation that doesn't involve talking about their new hair care products or latest trick. Ok, so even I may be a bit guilty of falling into that category once and a while, but I really do want more out of life. I need more. I have to hurry up and get my life together so that I can get back to school. I thrive in the University environment and judging by my mood lately and recent dislike of my job, that is going to be the only place where I can really feel at home.
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Monday, November 05, 2001 |
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@ Work
I really don't like the fact that it gets dark so early anymore. That's just my thought for the day I guess.
Once again another non-busy day at work by choice. Maybe one of these days I will actually do some work around here. I'm so bored and yet I have a ton of things to do. I guess I just need to get motivated to actually do them.
Well it was a pretty busy weekend. I went out with Mark on Friday night for dinner and drinks afterward. We had a nice time at dinner and ended up meeting up with my friends later at the Bar on Castro. I'm not going to go into too many details, but I had fun and I really like Mark.
Saturday my friend Chris came into town from Santa Cruz. Chris, Justin and I ended up going down to Universe for a few hours. I didn't really enjoy it. The crowd was really different and it seemed pretty sketchy. I don't know it's hard to explain but I just didn't feel comfortable.
Sunday was a pretty mild day with just Justin, Philip and I grabbing some lunch and then meeting up with Steven for coffee. It was a pretty slow afternoon and I ended up going to bed by like 9:30 so that I could get some rest.
I need to get out of here soon. I'm going to make this a short one.
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Friday, November 02, 2001 |
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@WORK. So once again today was a day that I really didn't get much done at work. I can't believe that it's only 4:30 and the sun is starting to set already. I don't like daylight savings time for that reason. It's gets dark way too early in the winter time.
I was just looking at the Blakeway Panoramas Website ( http://www.panoramas.com ) and I really think that I need to save my money and start traveling a little bit. There are so many beautiful places in the word that I have not yet seen. I grew up with my father telling me about all the places he had been to while he was in the Navy. I think I'm ready to start taking trips.
Ugh -- I'm sitting here scratching my head because I don't feel like starting anything this late but yet I can't leave the office yet. I wish that my boss would be like most people at leave early on Fridays. I want to get out of here but since I didn't stroll my lazy ass in until noon I can't leave at 5 pm. Their would just be something fundamentally wrong with that. I don't know why I'm really bored with my job right now. It seems like I go through this about every year. Now that it's been a year I'm starting to get the itch again. I can't leave my job though -- I just have way too many dependencies on my income right now that it would be unwise of me to do so.
It all comes down to the fact that I really need a challenge, plain and simple. I need to either have work or a hobby that will give me something to look forward too. A reason to want to do it. If I'm bored I always find ways to avoid doing what I should be doing. It must interest me or I just can't stand doing it. Anyway -- I better at least finish up some work or I'll just have to do it next week. Hopefully it will be a good weekend for me.
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@ Work
Thank god it is finally Friday. This week seems like it has dragged on forever. Even though I had Wednesday off it still seems like it was a long week. I have to go home and maybe do some laundry tonight and clean up my room. Who knows. I think Chris is supposed to come up tomorrow and hang out until Sunday but I still haven't heard from him so I'm not sure if he is or not.
I finally feel pretty good today. I still have some remnants of this damn cough but otherwise I think I'm finally almost over this cold. I can't believe that it took me 4 weeks to completely shake it. I hate getting sick. I'm going to go and try out getting the flu shot next week.
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Thursday, November 01, 2001 |
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@ Work
Wow -- another new month. I can't believe that this year is almost over.
I have to say that I had a pretty great day yesterday. It started out with me going over to Berkeley to pick up Sean and Suzette. From there we then headed back to the city and had lunch in the Castro. Following lunch we walked around a bit and then I took them back. It was nice to spend some time with them again.
Steven came over around 6 pm so that we could go down together to the restaurant. He looked really nice and it was great to see him again since it was almost a week that we hadn't seen each other. It feels weird now to go that long without seeing him. Anyway, I got dressed up in my suit and we had some wine before heading down to Zuni to meet Philip.
We met up with Philip at Zuni around 7 pm and were immediately seated. It was my first time there and I really liked the atmosphere. I ordered a bottle of Champaign and we toasted my birthday. It was really nice to be spending time with Steven and Philip again. We had dinner and then they gave me my birthday present which was the Godfather DVD set. I had really been wanting this, so I couldn't have asked for anything better from them. It was all wrapped up in a cute rainbow gift bag, what a trip.
After dinner we met up with Merced and Andy for a drink at Martooni's and then headed back to my place so that Philip and I could change. Sean decided to take Bart over and meet up with us to hang out. We walked down to the Church street station and met up with Justin and Sean when he eventually got there. I couldn't believe how many people were out in the neighborhood. I don't think I've ever seen that many people there before. Once again we went back up to my house so that we could drop some things off and Justin had my present for me. I opened it and it was ... the Godfather DVD set. I guess I made it too obvious to everyone that I really wanted it. It was really nice of him to get it for me because I know he was really trying to make my happy and surprise me. I sort of felt bad because I know it was expensive for him and I didn't expect it. Anyway it's the thought that counts.
So we finally headed up to the Castro. There were so many people everywhere. It was quite a sight to see. We had some beers and just walked around laughing at people and having a good time. By the time the night was over it was about 1:30 am and I was ready to get out of there. I had to drive Sean back to Berkeley because Bart stopped running at midnight. Which is totally stupid .. but that's a topic for another day's discussion.
So overall it was a really great birthday. Probably some of the most fun I've had on my birthday in a long time. I can't believe that it's officially been over a year now that I've been here. Time really flies by.
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