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Hello I'm Rich Brown and this is my personal website and blog. I'm just your simple, average, down to earth, professional, out gay man and aspiring circuit boy, living in Phoenix, Arizona with a few things to say while trying to find my place among all the scary, conservative, religious nuts in this sick and twisted world.
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Thursday, December 27, 2001 |
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@STARBUCKS ON 18th & CASTRO IN SAN FRANCISCO. So since I'm not working today I decided that it would finally give me a chance to go down to a coffee shop to sit and write for a little while. I would probably rather be at Cafe Flores but since I had to stop at the Bank and then check my post office box, I ended up at Starbucks. I also still had some gift certificates left over from the ones my mother gave me for my birthday so I might as well use them. So today has been a really mild day. I did check my work E-Mail when I got up this morning and answered a few questions, but my boss isn't going to be in today so I decided to postpone any work that I had to do until next week. I know I have several things that I still have to fix with the application I'm working on but they are not anything major and will wait until I'm back. Hopefully next week will keep me busy because I don't really want to sit and be bored again. So here I am sitting in the coffee shop writing this on my Palm with my new keyboard. This is the first time I've actually used it since I got it besides to show some people at work. It does make it much more convenient to write since I don't have to try and do it on the palm with the stylus and I don't need to drag an entire laptop with me to do some writing.
This morning I took Philip and Shane to the airport for their trip to Vancouver. They were both stressed out about not making the flight but we got there in plenty of time. They are both so cute together. In the car Philip reminded Shane that that were together for 2 months exactly today. I really hope that everything works out for them. I know it is way too soon for them to even think about moving in together but I joked that I decided they were both going to move into the vacant flat below me. I'd love to have my friends living in the same building, it would be a nice way for everyone to see each other a little more often then we do now. With Philip and Shane's work schedule none of us really see much of each other anymore. Hopefully after the holidays everyone's schedule will calm down a bit and we can all do something together. So I don't know if I want to wait until New Years to make my resolutions or make them now. I've been thinking about many things this time of year. Honestly I don't normally make any New Year's resolutions because I find that birthday resolutions seem more binding, but I didn't make any birthday resolutions this year either so I guess I better do something.
I received the nicest e-mail yesterday from Steven thanking me for inviting him to Christmas dinner and being able to spend time with me. He is so sweet, it's no wonder why I like him so much. Justin and I stopped over at his house yesterday to pick up some boxes so Justin could get packed and we sat for a while and talked. I really wanted to go in and hang out for a bit so I'm glad that we didn't grab the boxes and run. Steven seemed to be in a really good mood and it was nice to just sit and chat again. I really like his flat and I'm glad that he seems so happy now. It's about time that things started to fall into place for him.. I think with the new year I want to start doing other things besides going out and one of them would be to go over and hang out at Steven's place.
So speaking of places I'm so totally excited that Louis and Kalia will be leaving on Saturday. I'm looking forward to Justin moving in and also being able to get all of my things out of storage and up into the flat. It will be nice to finally have all of my kitchenware so that I can start cooking again. I want to go over to Ikea and get some shelves for the kitchen wall because I just don't think we have enough room for things they way it is currently setup. I'm a bit nervous about changing things in the flat, especially painting, since Louis and Kalia spent so much time getting things they way they wanted, but i guess now that it's going to be Justin and my flat that it will be nice to change things to be the way we want them to be. I still don't think we have decided how we are going to lay out the flat. I'm not sure if we are going to keep the bedroom in the same room or move to the front room. I also don't think that Justin and I have really agreed on any colors for the walls. He likes the color of the front bedroom but I think it's too dark. Neither one of us are really sure if we like the color of the living room or not. I'm not too sold on that dark red / merlot color. I'm thinking that something lighter in there would work out much better but I hate to change it other then the cracked walls since they just finished it just a month ago or so. I don't know I guess Justin and I are just going to have to talk about it and maybe go to Homo Depot to look at some samples and see what we like.
So I can tell that Justin is pretty excited about moving in. It will be a big change for him since he's moved up to the city since he hasn't really had a place that he's been comfortable with. I'm pretty excited about him moving in with me. I can't say what happened but things this time around seem much better for us. I think the truth is that we both needed the time apart and in those few months we both grew up a little bit. Maybe not grew up but rather put our priorities in order. I know that living together will not necessarily make things better because frankly they are pretty damn good, but will make things somewhat easier. As it is, he stays there all the time now anyway and it's more of an inconvenience for him to have to go back to his place to get things. This way we will both be together and will both have all of our things with us. It will also be nice for us to have a 2 bedroom because with having several computers and all of the books/living room things, it will give us so much space to spread out. It will really be nice in 6 months when Louis and Kalia come back and get the rest of their things out of the storage room. I'm afraid that Justin and I are going to get used to having things our way and being spread out and Louis and Kalia are going to come back for a few weeks and it will totally feel like an invasion of our space. I wish they could have just totally moved out but hopefully they won't stay very long before finding a new place when they come back. Or maybe even in 6 months we may want to move somewhere else and they could just have the place back. There are so many factors to consider that I'm not even going to worry about it right now. We are going to fix the place up the way we want it and be happy.
So I think that I want to get a Tattoo. I'm not sure why but I've always wanted one since college. I'm glad that I didn't get one while I was in college because I know now that the one I was thinking about then would have been totally stupid right now. I used to think it was pretty white trash or maybe "bad-boy" rather to have a tattoo but that is just my conservative east coast middle class upbringing still hanging out in there somewhere. Hell my grandfather had huge tattoo of the American Flag on his forearm but I guess somehow it seemed ok when it was done by someone who was in the military and in the war. Times were different then right? Anymore I find that I really like them and I've seen so many different types of people with Tattoos that I no longer think of them as a bad thing anymore. It is just something else that makes us unique. Maybe next year I'll finally get one on my arm. I'll have to talk Philip into going with me since he wants one too. I know my Mom will freak. What a trip.
Well it's starting to rain outside and today is more and more becoming the perfect day to sit inside of a coffee shop and write. I love days like this on occasion and I'm glad that I decided to come out today.
I'm hoping that this next year will turn out to be a much better year then last. I think now that Justin and I are straightened out and I don't have to worry about that, I can concentrate on getting my life back in order again. Not that I need someone in my life to complete me but it always seems that when I'm in a relationship I always can be more focused on the rest of my life. I seem to be better able to get my finances straightened out, get organized and get everything together. In a way I'm really glad that Justin likes to go out and do things because he will definitely keep me from becoming to settled and not doing anything outside of the house. I know that I sometimes have a habit of doing that when I'm in a relationship.
It's taken me a while to figure this out but I'm really in love with Justin and I'm glad that we were both able to figure things out before it was too late. It's amazing what a little jealousy can do to you. I guess we just knew how to heart each other. I think that we are both going to need some patience with each other but I don't think there is really anything that we can't work out. Alright well I think I've babbled on quite enough here. I need to take a break and maybe go out and walk around a little bit before Justin gets done work. I also need to get back home and move some things around to make room in the bedroom. Only 2 more days and then we can both totally spread out.
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Monday, December 24, 2001 |
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@HOME. Well here it is Christmas Eve and almost the end of the year. What a year it has been. I'm sort of bummed about not being able to make it home for Christmas this year, since it will be 2 years in a row that I didn't go back home. I could tell that my Mom was sad today on the phone because when I said that I missed her she started crying. I sometimes wish that I could be closer to home but for now I'm happy right where I am. I'll just have to get her out here to visit.
So anyway this will the first Christmas together for Justin and I. He's at work right now and I just finished wrapping his presents. I was thinking about maybe going up to Lake Tahoe today and coming back on the 26th, but the rooms were way too expensive this late so I think we are just going to stay around here and celebrate in the city. It will be interesting to see how the city shuts down tonight because last year at this time I was still living in Foster City.
Last year Justin and I went to a party in Carmel at his friend Dave's house and then I dropped him off at his parents house on the 24th and came back home to spend Christmas with myself and the puppies. This year we are going to have dinner with my roommates and 20 of their closest friends (*laugh*) anyway it should prove to be really interesting.
I'm looking forward to 2002 to start. I'm hoping that it will be a better year for everyone then the past year has been. I'll have to admit in many ways 2001 was possibly one of the worst years that I can ever remember. I mean don't get my wrong I know that things could be a lot worse for me personally right now, but there were just so many bad things that happened to everyone this year. I'll keep my fingers crossed that 2002 will be a better year. I'm praying that Gator keeps their current revenue stream and will finally go public next year. I'm not asking for too much, I just want enough money to be able to buy a house and not have to rent anymore. Hopefully if they do go public at any reasonable amount my stock options will allow me to finally see the benefit of all my hard work over the past several years. Like I said I guess I'll just keep my fingers crossed.
I'm also hoping that maybe I can travel a little bit more next year. I don't want to get stuck in the rut of the Castro. I know that there is life outside of the Castro and I want to take a few trips to different places as well as just some overnighters to areas within driving distance to San Francisco.
On Saturday night Justin and I went down to Fremont for Merced and Andy's party. The best fun of the night was when all of us were sitting around talking and Merced and Andy broke out the old photos to show everyone. I think it's great how Merced, Andy and Steven have shared so many year together and taken small trips together. It's awesome they can all share the memories of those times. I was telling Justin on the way home that I would really love to go on a Trip with Steven, Merced, Andy, Greg, Edward, Philip, Shane and Justin. I think it would be such a blast and I know that there would never be a dull moment. Maybe that will happen this year. As I sit there with all of them in the room the thought came across my mind that these are the people I'm going to be friends with and grow old with. I'm happy that I can have a nice group of gay friends that enjoy each others company and know how to have a good time. I'm really thankful for Steven coming into my life and also bringing us into his circle of friends. I'm thankful for Steven and Philip giving me the type of friendship that I've always been looking for in life. I can't wait until next year so that Justin and I can throw a party and have everyone over.
I think this next year is also going to be time for me to start doing some things that I want in life. I'm going to go back to school and take a class. I really want to get back into the learning environment again. I also want to get a mixing board and start playing around with mixing. I think it would be a great hobby to have and I'd love to be able to go and DJ for my friends parties'. What a great rush that would be for me.
Alright well I think I've babbled on quite enough now. I'm going to clean up and take a quick nap before Justin gets home and we have to go down to Redwood City to pick up some banquet tables for dinner tomorrow.
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Wednesday, December 12, 2001 |
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@WORK. I don't really have time today to sit and write but I really need to for 2 reasons. The first reason being that today is exactly 1 year since Justin and I first met. It has been quite a year indeed. We started off strong, went through some difficult times, broke up and are now back together again. Overall I feel that our relationship is much stronger now then it was before. I don't have that frustration level that I had before because now Justin has his own friends, a decent job and is able to go off and do things on his own without waiting around for me. Things really seem to much better between him and I. I'm looking forward to the future with us. The second reason is that today is also exactly 1 year since my father passed away. In some ways I cannot believe that it's been a year already because it seems like just yesterday we were having dinner in Phoenix. In other ways I cannot believe that it's only been a year because sometimes it seems as if he's been gone for so long. I miss him so much and think about him all the time. He always had just the right thing to say to me no matter what the situation to make me feel better about everything. He was always encouraging me and supported me in whatever decision I was about to make. He never criticized but only wanted to make sure that I thought everything through fully and was making the best choice. I know that life isn't fair but as everyone probably says when something like this happens, I really don't think it was fair to us that he was taken so early. As much as I miss him and think about him, I cannot even imagine what my Mother is going through right now. He was her whole life and they were truly in love. She doesn't know what to do with herself without him and it's been a really difficult year for her. When I was at Kaiser the other day I saw an older couple sitting there waiting for the doctor. The gentleman was reading the paperwork and explaining it to his wife whose vision was apparently pretty bad. I couldn't help to think about my parents and feel sorry for my Mother because she, like this older woman, was so reliant upon my Father to do things for her. This is the first time ever she has really been on her own since she left her parents to marry my Father. I don't know know if time will ever heal the absence left by my Father that my Mother feels right now. I guess my family was pretty lucky because just as I saw how in love my Grandmother and Grandfather were for over 50 years, I also saw how in love my parents were for over 35 years. I think it gives me hope to know that 2 people can stay together through all the good times and the bad times to keep this type of love going between them. I wish my parents had more time together because I would have loved to be there with them to celebrate their 50th anniversary but I know the time they did have together was spent well. Even with my Father being gone now, I'm thankful for the time that I spent with him and for the love that I experienced with him. I guess some people never experience the bond and love that is possible between and father and a son, and for that I feel so lucky. Because of his influence and guidance I have become the person I am today and I even though he is not here with me to share in my life anymore, he will always be with me in spirit and in my heart. Well with all of that said, I really need to get back to work.
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Tuesday, December 04, 2001 |
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@WORK. Well I can hardly believe that today is my 1 year anniversary at Gator.com. I almost forgot about it until I went to write this journal entry. Geez no cake, no party, I tell you things have changed. One of my co-workers said "hey -- it's your year anniversary -- you didn't get laid off -- congratulations" Well I guess it was funny at the time. I didn't expect anything anyway -- it was more of a personal goal rather then anything else. At least I can be happy that I made it for a year here and now I can vest my stock options. Hopefully they will be worth more then the paper. I suppose I can now feel a little more freedom for my future since I really just wanted to make sure I made if for a year here.
So I haven't written anything lately because frankly I haven't had time. I've been so busy at work that by the time I even thing of anything else other then what I'm working on, it's almost time to go home. I don't mind that things have been busy because it makes my days go by so much faster and I am forcing myself to learn a few new things. Most of it is tedious programming, but at least if I can learn some small things here and there, I will be content for now. I should just be happy that I have a job. I was looking online for jobs today just to get an idea of what is out there and I didn't find anything that I would even consider. Most of them were either out of my skill or way below my skill set. I guess I'll stop bitching about my job for now until things get better. Hopefully that will be soon.
I was thinking the other day about how uneducated I feel sometimes. One day last week after work I stopped to get some food at Taco Bell in San Mateo. As I was sitting there eating, 2 guys were sitting across from me talking about some technical issues, most likely co-workers talking shop. I listened to some of the things they were talking about and it wasn't that I didn't understand them, but I felt somewhat disturbed that I do not sit down with anyone and have technical conversations like that. Not even with my co-workers. When I was in Phoenix I would frequently have these conversations with Mark and Don. I think I miss having these conversations because they would get me thinking and challenge me. Oh well.
I was listening to the Rent Soundtrack today for a little while. Of course it got me in a mood this afternoon. I like the soundtrack but then when I get thinking about things I realize how many things people take for granted in their lives.
Well I'm going to cut this short I don't have much time today -- I better get back to work.
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