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Hello I'm Rich Brown and this is my personal website and blog. I'm just your simple, average, down to earth, professional, out gay man and aspiring circuit boy, living in Phoenix, Arizona with a few things to say while trying to find my place among all the scary, conservative, religious nuts in this sick and twisted world.
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Tuesday, February 10, 2004 |
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@WORK. I wrote this letter to my Mother today and I think it expresses how I've been feeling lately, so I'm going to post it here to my BLOG:
Mom –
I’m sorry this email is so long, but I’ve been thinking about what we talked about yesterday and I wanted to send you a note to try and explain some things. I knew that you would get upset if I said anything about moving but you always say that you want me to be honest with you about these things. I don’t want you to get upset because first of all, it’s not like I’m talking about packing up and moving next week or even in the next few years. After all, I do have a house, a job and a company here now, so there is no reason for you to get worked up about it. I was just bringing it up because over the long term I most likely am not planning on staying in Phoenix for the rest of my life.
I know that in the past you’ve disagreed with me on some of the decisions that I’ve made and in some cases you’ve been right, however I needed to make these decisions and learn on my own. I think that I’ve been doing a good job in the choices I’ve made and from my perspective, I believe my life has turned out to be pretty good so far. You knew that the moment I left home to go to Penn State things were never going to be the same. I was always independent and was destined to make my own choices and take my own direction in life. Back when I originally decided to move out to Phoenix, you couldn’t understand why I wanted to move so far away from home. Since then I’ve lived in Las Vegas, San Francisco, back to Phoenix again and I’ve traveled all over the world. I even managed to get you out to Phoenix for a few years. Ever since I started working you couldn’t understand why I’ve decided to change jobs so frequently, but in the end my skills and my career have never been stronger, so I must be doing something right. You were raised in a time where people got married, bought a house, had children, and had 1 job for their entire life. You were happy, content and couldn’t ask for anything more. I admire you for that, but we both know that times have changed and that’s not my era or my motivation. Companies don’t have employee loyalty anymore and people have more education, knowledge and the ability to pack up and move somewhere else then ever before. I have seen so many places in this country and throughout the world. I enjoy traveling and I’ve enjoyed the experience that exploring so many different cities has given to me.
So with that said, you already know that you are an important part of my life. I worry about you every day, I want you to be closer to me and I want you to be happy. But the bottom line here is that this is my life and I need to make the choices that make me happy, regardless if you disagree or can’t understand the reason. It’s important to me that you at least accept that, allow me to live my life however I feel is best, and support me in the decisions I make.
I mentioned that I’ve thought about moving back to San Francisco in the future. This has been in the back of my mind ever since I left California. I know that you personally didn’t like it in the city, but unlike you I enjoy living in the city and taking advantage of everything it has to offer. Don’t get me wrong, I really like Phoenix a great deal, but there is just something missing here. You tell me that Phoenix is a big city, and rightfully so, but you don’t see it the same way I see it. By numbers, yes Phoenix is a big city, but it has much growing up to do before it can compare to bigger cities like San Francisco, New York, Chicago or even London. Phoenix is just one big suburb; there is no real downtown or city life here. It just comes down to the fact that I’m not content living in the suburbs forever and there is something deep in my soul that will always yearn for life back in a bigger city.
I was talking to someone the other day and I mentioned to them that I missed living in San Francisco. They asked me why – what was so great about living in the city? That’s a difficult question to answer because every city has a different meaning to each person who experiences it. Some people will just never be “city” people and fully understand the attraction. I’m sure you can relate when I say this because we both know you just aren’t a city person. What I miss most about living in a place like San Francisco are the things that I took for granted while I was there. The things I cannot get here in Phoenix. I miss being able to walk out my front door and walk down to the store. I miss being able to walk through the city neighborhood and see my friends and people I know on the street or shopping. I miss not having to drive and being able to walk to almost anywhere I wanted to go. I miss having so many great restaurants, shops and friends within walking distance of my house. I miss the Sunday afternoons when my all of my friends would walk down to the local café and meet for brunch. I miss being about to go sit on the beach and watch the ocean waves. I miss living in a city that always has the first run movies, the premier shows, and cutting edge technology companies and conferences that are not found in any other place. I miss having so many things accessible to me without ever having to go anywhere else.
Now when it comes to cities in general, you know that I love most of the cities I’ve ever visited. I loved New York but have no interest in moving back to the east coast. I like Chicago but have no interest in the snow or bad weather. I even loved London and if that were a reasonable choice I would live there in a heartbeat, but being realistic here, that’s not a reasonable choice. What is reasonable is, in the future, going back to California and most likely San Francisco. Something that you will probably never understand is that I found a comfort there, an acceptance that I will never find anywhere else. It’s a sad reality but that feeling of acceptance, safety and just being able to be my self is the happiest that I’ve been. I know this probably doesn’t make a lot of sense to you, and I doubt that it ever will, but please take my word for it.
I hope that by reading this it helps you to understand a little about why I feel the way I do. I also hope that you can please let me live my life and be supportive of the decisions I make, no matter what they are. In the end you know that that I’m going to do what I think is best anyway. This really is not something you need to worry about right now; you just need to take things a day at a time. You know that I’m not going to leave you stranded alone somewhere, there will always be a place for you in my home. What I want most is for you to be able to be a part of my life and live close to me, wherever that may be. So, let’s look forward to your vacation in April and we’ll just take everything else 1 day at a time. Ok?
You know I love you more then my luggage. I’ll talk to you tonight.Labels: Travel
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