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Hello I'm Rich Brown and this is my personal website and blog. I'm just your simple, average, down to earth, professional, out gay man and aspiring circuit boy, living in Phoenix, Arizona with a few things to say while trying to find my place among all the scary, conservative, religious nuts in this sick and twisted world.
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@HOME. It's been a great weekend just hanging out around the house. Last night Justin and I went out to dinner and then out for a few drinks at Amsterdam's Bar. It was a quiet evening overall. I'm glad that it's going to be a short week.
Ok so after a day of having the comments turned on, I've decided to turn them off. I has someone make a comment about living a pathetic life and blah...blah...blah. Well what it comes down to is that my life is exactly that, mine. I don't really need to have people telling me how pathetic my life is and how I should be living my life. There are plenty of dictators in 3rd world countries willing to do that and where has that gotten anyone? Frankly people can say all they want about the evils of capitalism and everything else that's going wrong with the world, but what it boils down to is that people have a choice. People always have a choice. That choice may be more difficult for some but it still exists. No matter what your situation you can always change it. I like to complain sometimes about my situation but deep down I know that when I'm willing to change it, I can. This holds true for the rest of the world. I sometimes think where the problem lies is that the change desired is not the change possible. Now granted, this may be the case, but in any event change is possible.
So with that said I'm not allowing people to comment on my blog anymore. If someone wants to comment they can go through the trouble and send me an email instead. The reason that I write is primarily to use this as a journal to express my feelings and keep track of what's been going on in my life. It's amazing to go back and read things from 3 years ago and be emersed in the feelings that I had at that moment. That's the greatest part of writing. I think everyone should do it. And the last think I'm going to say on this subject is that not everyone is going to agree what people write about. Not everyone is going to agree how others live their lives. It's never going to happen. Hell, I don't agree with what half the things other people do, but the difference for me is that I don't tell them they cannot or should not be doing it. My long standing feeling has been that people should have the freedom to make their own decisions and choices in life. I'm going to stick by my saying that "...I know many people have opinions about others and their choices but wouldn't it be a better world if you just keep it to yourself and let people live their lives however they see fit?"
Anyway I guess I better get back to my pathetic little life as the gym is calling me again. (I personally don't believe it's pathetic ... I actually happen to enjoy my life right now)
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@HOME. All I can say is that I'm glad this week is over. Well I suppose it's been over for a day now. I had to take a break and get away from the computer last night so after the gym, Justin and I just watched tv. So last week was my DFSS training and I had to take my certification exam on Friday which I passed with only 2 questions wrong. I'm pretty happy about that, even though it was a very long and draining week.
So I'm really starting to notice a big difference now that we've been working out 5-6 times a week.  Here is a recent picture of me that I took with my webcam on Friday. I haven't gotten around to posting any new pictures on my website so I figured I would just include one here. I can also notice a big difference in Justin as well. I'm proud that he's been working so hard at it. It's amazing what just getting motivated and working out on a regular basis will do for your body and even your mind. I really do feel so much better since I've gotten back into working out.
As I said in my past few posts, I'm really happy to have this long weekend. Maybe it's just me but sometimes it seems like a 2 day break just isn't enough. I spent most of the day today updating the photos and products on one of our clients e-Commerce sites (http://www.see-jane-play.com). That took about 7 hours, which I was not expecting to spend on the computer, but it's done now and I don't have to worry about it. Justin and I went to the gym tonight for an hour and then went to grab some food. After that we ended up over at Mark and Andrea's and then out with them for a quick bite of frozen yogurt at TCBY. We also got to meet Mark's father tonight, who's in town for a few weeks. I just finished converting my website completely over to .NET and recompiled it. Thankfully everything converted fine without me having to spend time making changes.
I guess I don't really have anything to complain about today. That's a miracle. I'm just really happy right now and I'm trying to take some time to enjoy my life. I heard something the other day that really made me think. It was a quote something equivalent to "the only regrets in life are looking back and wondering what-if for all missed opportunities that we failed to take" I know that's not the exact quote but it's close enough. I'm really trying to live my life day by day and not fall into the rut of a boring existence. I think it's important that while we are still young we take the time to travel and enjoy ourselves, because we never really know what life has in store for us and how the future beyond this moment will turn out for us. I've really been giving a lot of thought to an overall career change. I really would like to find the one thing in life that makes me happy and just do it. Too bad the bills can't get paid that way. I think sometimes going into technology wasn't the best decision because I was blinded by the money and now I'm almost too entrenched to leave. Maybe if I keep looking I will discover that one thing and be able to dig myself out of technology. I've really been thinking about taking a few photography classes at the university. I have an interest in photography and I don't really know much about it other then all of my amateur picture-taking. You can check out my photo gallery of pictures that I've taken over the past several years at http://photos.cyrek.net I put pretty much every digital photo that I've ever taken on that website. I guess we'll just have to see what happens.
Alright well it's getting late and I have a few modifications to make to my site before I go to bed so I think I'll end this now. Maybe more tomorrow, maybe not.
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@WORK. Ok so I'm sitting in the Tempe Ops center this week. I'm in Design for Six Sigma training all week. It feels like this week is dragging. 8 hours of training a day is just too overwhelming. Man I really can't wait for this long weekend. Oh well I guess I don't really have too much time to write, I'll try to catch up this weekend.
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@HOME. Man I'm beat today. I have a Design for Six Sigma (DFSS) training class all week that I have to endure. Justin and I just got home from an hour at the gym. I think I'm going to pack it in early for this evening and go to bed. I want to be in the office at 7am so I can get some things done before my training class. It was a rather uneventful weekend, we just hung out at our pool with Mark, Andrea and the pooches. I'm hoping this week goes fast, I'm really looking forward to the 3-day holiday this weekend. Hopefully I'll get some private time to just lay by the pool and read a little bit. I don't really feel like doing anything. I guess it's time for bed.
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@HOME. Ok, thank god I didn't have to go into the office today. I'm so fucking tired right now. I rolled out of bed at 9am to log on and start working so I have a little bit of time left to go here. So my friends and I got to talking about BLOG's last night and Justin said "Oh I don't read your BLOG cause it's always about you. Me..Me..Me." I'm like Bitch! You're god damn right it's all about me. As if I have anything better to write about. Maybe he'd rather read about all the other guys I'm fucking on the side? (Ok not really but still.) Ok so yeah maybe I am a little self-centered. It's my damn journal and I can write about whatever the hell I want, even if my favorite topic is me.
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@HOME. I got up this morning and as I do every day, sat down in front of my laptop to log into my work computer before I get ready to go into the office. As usual, sitting there in front of me were 20 new email messages since I left the office last night. At that point I decided I just didn't have the energy to deal with work today and I was going to stay home. I went back to bed and I just now got up. It's Berg's 1st birthday today so I'm probably going to do something with him today.  I already sang happy birthday to him. You would actually think that he knew what I was singing because he got so happy. He's just running around here playing with his toys and happy someone is home with him.
Ok I hate when that happens. I just started writing and Justin came home early for lunch. Not that I'm bothered that he came home, I just hate getting distracted when I start writing. So last night, I went with one of my co-workers and Mark to an event where Scott Guthrie (the Father of ASP) from Microsoft was speaking. It was about the future of ASP.NET. It was pretty cool and hey I got a free book out of it too. So I'm feeling little guilty about taking off from work today. I swear I was sick this morning (sick of work, but that's not really the point). I was just telling Justin that I really don't enjoy my job. I'm tired of all the politics and everything else that goes on in that place. I'm just going to keep plugging along for now until something better comes along, since I get pretty good benefits and a ton of time off.
My friend Bernard once said to me that as a Scorpio, my life struggle is going to be finding what it is that makes me happy. I think about that all the time because for so much of my life I have always felt as if I'm still searching. I never really thought about my actions and feeling until that day when Bernard said it. I guess he was right. I don't know why it seems to take so much to make me happy. Let me clarify that, not that it takes much on the surface, because in general I'm a really fun and happy person. When I say happy, I really mean "truly" happy, or maybe even completely satisfied is better. I'm talking about the deep-down feeling that you get when you know you are content and there is nothing else you would rather be doing in life. Maybe this is a problem for everyone, I guess I just never really talked to anyone about it before. My Mother keeps telling me that I should be happy because I have a great house, a good job and people that care about me. Somehow that just doesn't always seem like enough. I guess it really will be my life struggle. One can only hope right?
So Justin was pissed at me last night because he didn't know this event was going to last until after 10pm. I thought I told him but I guess I didn't. He waited around for me, expecting that I was going to be home soon to go to the gym with him. At around 9pm I guess he realized it was going to be longer then expected. I didn't even know it was going to last until 10pm, I can't help it that the speaker went over. Anyway, we didn't make it to the gym. By the time I drove home it was nearly 11pm and I was already worn out for the day so I decided to just go to bed. I think that's partially why I needed to stay home today. I felt a little worn out. I'm hoping to make it to the gym later tonight. There is some work related event that Justin is dragging me to this evening, some pride thing. Not that I'm overly thrilled to go because first of all, I just don't find it necessary to involve my personal life with work, but I know he wants to go and doesn't want to go alone so I suppose I'm going to go with him anyway.
At least I don't have to go back into the office until next Tuesday. Since the gas prices have gone up so much my boss has graciously agreed to let my team work from home 2 more days per week now, so I'll only have to go into the office on Tuesday and Wednesdays until the prices drop. That one additional bonus to my otherwise boring job.
Damn, don't I just sound like a bundle of joy today? I just need to get to the gym and get those endorphins going. That should make me feel a little better. I wish the pool was a somewhat warmer today because I would consider going for a swim. I guess I've really adapted to the heat in Arizona when I can't get in the pool unless it's at least 80°F (27°C). The daytime temperature here is staying around 101°F (38°C) but at night it's is still dropping down quite a bit. Hopefully the pool will be ready in the next few weeks. Next week will be a year that we've had the house. Man does time fly. Anyway I'm babbling now. I need to get some things done around here.
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@WORK. Alright so I'm sitting here waiting for a bunch of files to copy over. I was thinking about a few things this weekend that sort of bothered me. I met with one of the personal trainers at the gym on Saturday and had a fitness analysis done. My lean body weight was 161#. Which basically means that if I don't build any more muscle, and in turn don't loose any muscle, hypothetically speaking with 0% body fat (most unrealistic for anyone, but I'm just proving a point) the least I could ever weight would be 161#. That got me thinking back to one time when a person said that they prefer guys to be around 140# and they thought anyone over 150# was too big. I just figured the guy was a freak, but it didn't really occur to me until now that someone that's 6' with 140# would have very little muscle at all. I guess it's all relative. I feel that 175# would put me at around a 10% body fat range and I can live with that. Anyway I don't know why that was bugging me when I thought about it.
So as with every weekend this one went too fast. Friday night was spent with Justin and Mark at the gym and then over to Applebees to hang out for a bit. Saturday was the Grand Re-Opening at the gym so it was packed in there. I had my personal training appointment and then worked out for a bit. I felt really good by the time I got home. Later Justin and I ran some errands and then ended up going out to Golden Gate for some Chinese with Mark and Andrea. Mark, Justin and I then went and caught a late showing of Van Helsing. That was a pretty kick-ass movie. It's been a while since I've seen a decent movie. Yesterday was a pretty mild day. I slept in and then did some yard work. Our neighbor, Joe was out drinking by the pool so he invited us over for a bit. A few drinks later and my goal of making it back to the gym was pretty much gone. Later in the evening Mark, Andrea, Justin and I were hanging out for a bit. Justin and I finally got Berg swimming around in the pool with us. I can't believe that he's going to be 1 year old this week. Seems like just yesterday he was such a tiny pup, and now he's almost 100#.
The strangest thing happened to me last night. Just before bed, Justin and I were watching Queer as Folk. As I was watching the show I could feel myself getting a little worked up. What I mean by that is that I could actually feel my blood pressure rising and my heart starting to beat faster. I'm not sure that I can really explain it, other then to describe it as almost an anxiety attack type of feeling. I realized that lately, every time we watch that show I've been getting that way. I honestly think this is happening because watching the show is triggering emotions about San Francisco. Not so much San Francisco itself, but rather the life and friendships I had when I was living in San Francisco. Some days it really hits me that we don't really have any gay friends here in Phoenix and it makes me realize how much we really left behind in San Francisco. I miss being able to walk down the street and run into my friends and also hanging out with them for dinners and at the clubs. It seems like over the past year we've had a really difficult time trying to make any gay friends in Phoenix. We hang out with Mark and Andrea quite a bit, and don't get me wrong, we enjoy that, but there is just something about having a good solid group of gay friends to do things with. I miss the days that Justin, Philip, Bernard, Steven and I would hang out. We had such a unique relationship between all of us. I know that things would not be the same now, because most of those guys don't even hang out themselves anymore, so I guess I'm really just romanticizing and thinking too much about days gone by.
I think all of this really stems from my desire to live in the city. I don't know why, but I just somehow feel that things would be better for us in the city instead of living in the suburbs. I told Justin last night that I wish we had more gay friends to hang out with and do things with. He suggested that we try hard to meet people, to which I replied that we live in the suburbs, which is difficult. He disagrees with me, saying there are plenty of other gay people who live in the suburbs, but somehow I just think it's not the same. It just becomes so much work to try and get people together who are separated by any amount of distance.
So, when I start thinking about all of this I get a little sad. Don't get me wrong, I really do enjoy living in Phoenix. I love the weather and it's so much better now that we own a house, but what makes me sad is that I sometimes wonder what life would be like had we not left San Francisco. I guess my whole life is always going to be about the "what if" game. I don't know, I think that if it were not for the whole issue going on with my Mother, I would seriously consider moving back to San Francisco. Life as a gay an seemed so much easier and just a little more bearable in San Francisco then it does anywhere else. I just better stop dwelling on all this right now. Alright I better finish up here, it's almost time to go home.
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@HOME. So I have to say one last thing before I go to bed. I just read the last several posts from Sean's Blog. I'm glad to see that he is emotional in his postings because it makes us realize that we are still alive. Thinking about it now, I suppose I probably haven't been very emotional in my postings since I was in San Francisco and totally coming down from a weekend filled with ecstasy and all night dancing. Man those were the days. Although I really don't think I could have cried any more during that time when I was hanging out with Philip, Steven and Bernard? We were all an emotional wreck. Maybe it was the drugs, maybe it was just our real emotions coming out and forcing us to deal with them. Anyway I think I will make it a point to maybe show a little more emotion and get a little more personal in my writings. Maybe it will loosen me up again. I think I'm starting to become a little bit of a hard ass and that's probably not a good thing.
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@HOME. Wow what a day. All I did all day was sit on conference calls. Seriously, I was on calls for like 6 hours today. And then my boss wonders what the hell I'm doing and why I'm not getting anything done. Well QUIT scheduling conference calls. Other then that it was a pretty mild day. I went to lunch with Russell and Alan to Rito's. Man they have the best green chili burro in this state. Probably not that good for me but damn it was good. I can splurge once and a while. I stuck to the salad for dinner before I went to the gym to work out with Justin and Mark. Speaking of Mark, I pretty much think I finally talked him into coming to work with me. He needs to get the hell out of his dead end job and come over to the dark side. LOL. Though I digress.
So something funny happened to me yesterday but to explain it I have to go back to the other night. When I was finished writing my last post I decided to check out the other people with the word 'Gay' in their Blog profile. I came across a handful of individuals and the last one on the list was Sean's Blog So I got to his page but just as I started to read it my laptop went into standby mode. I took it as a sign that I needed to get to bed and get some sleep so I just put it aside and went to bed. The next day I received an E-Mail from Sean saying that he had read my Blog. It was amusing. Anyway it's nice to see some other gay people get involved in writing about themselves and their feelings. I've long felt that writing has helped me to get my thoughts out and basically it seemed to calm me down a little bit. Anyway check out Sean's Blog when you get a chance. I think I may have to change my Blog template and include a section for my favorite or notable Blogs. Right now I designed the template to match my website so I may just wait. I'm thinking about redoing the website in a portal or CMS formatted structure.
Man I was just thinking about the day I first started writing to calm myself down. Let me explain the background story first. It was the summer between my sophomore and junior year at University. I sort of had this thing for one of the guys in my fraternity. I don't know what you'd call it, I suppose crush would be most appropriate. I swore he was gay. He was a pledge at the time and I pretty much took him under my wing. Anyway over the course of the semester we would both get a little drunk and hang out. Many times alone. I just got this wired vibe from him. I SWORE that by the way he looked at me and even would touch me on the leg when we were sitting together that he was gay. Anyway one night when he was over and my roommates were gone, we were hanging out in the living room. I can't remember the specific detail but for some reason I almost think we were laying together on the couch. I decide that I was going to rub my foot along his crotch. I swear he was hard at the time. Anyway he freaked out on me and ended up leaving town for the weekend. I was shocked, scared and I don't know what else. I was not out to anyone in my fraternity and I was so afraid that he was going to go and tell everyone. The strangest thing happened. He didn't tell anyone. He did try to avoid me as much as possible until one night again we were both drunk. Somehow we ended up alone again and I apologized to him and said that I was sorry for what I did. I really wasn't but what was I supposed to do. Anyway he begins to tell me that I shouldn't be sorry and I'll never forget his words of "maybe some people are just not ready to handle that sort of thing yet" After that he begins to lift up my shirt and run his hand along my chest and stomach. I grabbed him and said "What are you doing? You just freaked out on me and now you're doing this" He stopped and sorted acted like he was really drunk. I ended up driving him home and I pretty much came out to him. He proceeded to freak out again and say that he didn't understand why people felt the need to come out to him and that they thought he was gay. Meanwhile I'm thinking "HELLOOOOO... You ARE gay" So after all that he still didn't end up telling anyone but we probably spoke again maybe another few times before the end of the semester. Even the last day of the semester at a party he came over to me and was smiling at me and trying to talk to me before he left to go home. Ok ... So the summer passes by and I decided to go back to the house and spend the last few weeks of the summer working at school and moving into the house early. There were only a few of us in the house that summer so it was pretty quiet. I had a lot of time to think about things and I had this feeling that just wouldn't go away. I was sad about what had happened but I had no one to talk about it with. So I got out a pad and paper and I started writing. I decided to write him a letter. I must have written for hours because I think the letter was like 7 pages when I was done. I can't even remember to this day if I ever sent that letter or not, I think I did, but what I do remember is the fact that I felt so much better after I was done writing. I felt as if a weight was lifted off of me and that I could get on with my life again. After that I started to keep a paper journal which eventually turned into my online journal. As of the last year or so I started to Blog and I took most of my online journal entries and put them into here. I would love to go back to my paper journal and also put them in here, unfortunately they were starting in 1992 and Blogger doesn't let you go back past 1999.
Anyway having these accounts of my life have really helped me through some of the good times and the really bad times. I couldn't imagine not writing. A few weeks ago I was reading through some of my old posts from San Francisco and it really made me realize and remember the feelings that I had back when I was living there. It was a unique experience to go back and re-read what I had previously written and be reminded of how intense my feelings were.
Well Justin just headed off to bed, I supposed I should get going now too. I think I've written quite enough for this evening. At least I'm working from home tomorrow and I think my boss is also on vacation. Guess that means it's going to be a pretty quiet day for me. Maybe I'll jump in the pool over lunch. We'll see.Labels: Pi Lambda Phi
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@HOME. Ok so I'm still lying here in bed thinking about actually going to sleep. I actually like the new Blogger format and updates they just released. I like being able to search on Location and Topics to read other peoples lives. It makes me feel somewhat like a voyeur or something. If you have no clue at all what I'm talking about you should check out http://www.blogger.com/, maybe that will clear some things up. You know it's pretty funny that they just released these updates because I've been seriously considering switching to .TEXT instead. I would have to install in on my server and get it configured so that would be a pain in the ass to do when I already have no time. However it had a bunch more features. Ah who am I kidding am I really going to use those features? Probably not. I'll probably do it just to entertain myself at some point in time. I think for now I'll just stick to Blogger. I like being able to have access to write from work sometimes.
Back to these other peoples posting. I think some of them are so interesting. I spent a few hours the other night reading posts from developers at Microsoft regarding their interview process. I spent tonight reading some guys posts about why he thinks girls don't like him. It's amazing how these BLOGS have really taken off and I think there are actually many useful postings. Perhaps in 20 years from now they will realize that we are actually returning back to a literary society. I hope people are reading some of these random posts and archiving them because it would be asshame to loose much of this information and not have it preserved for future generations to read and understand how we live.
Ok ... One last rant before I go to bed. Ok maybe two or three but ... First of all, I'm tired of picking up the paper in the morning and seeing photos from Iraq, articles about prisoner mistreatment, all that crap. (Yes I do get the newspaper still. Ask me why. I have no clue) But I'm just sick of it all. It feels like there is no other worthwhile news except for all that propaganda garbage. I can't wait for the elections to be over and the new president to take office (Notice I said new!) I suppose I'll just keep my fingers crossed and hope that my vote helps in Mr. Bush's great defeat. I'm tired of religious fanatics, conservatism, homophobes and just the rest of the freaks out there. I guess that's saying a lot coming from a big old QUEER like myself. Ok maybe not that big. Aside from my sexual orientation I pretty much see myself as a down to earth, caring guy who believes that people have the inherent right to make decisions for themselves. As long as it doesn't truly bother someone else. When I say bother I don't mean the "oh I don't agree with that ..." type of bother, but rather the "blow smoke in your face, spit on you, etc ... " type of bothering. You get my gist. Just let people do whatever the hell they please as long at they don't shit on your lawn what does it matter? Let the QUEER's marry, the drug users use, and let the rest of the world live their lives without preaching to them or telling them that their life is worthless and what they believe is wrong.
I really think my hostility comes from my disdain over the deep seated Catholic beliefs that I've been taught to not question over the years. But I digress, it's getting late and I'll have to save that discussion for another night.
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@HOME. It's a little after 11pm and I'm laying here in bed. I decided to bring in my laptop and write a little bit before bed. Justin and I just got home from the gym about an hour ago. We went and worked out for an hour. Man it's hard to get started again after missing a few days. Back again tomorrow. Oh the agony. Anyway today was a pretty interesting day at work. Doug decided to give his notice. I expected it after our conversation last week. I'm sort of sorry to see him go because I really enjoyed working with him and learning from him. We ended up going out for a team lunch at the Cheescake factory. I had the orange chicken. It was really good, much better then I expected. I'm actually trying to get to bed and to sleep by midnight tonight. I'm sick of being tired in the mornings when I get up. I had a meeting with Sarah from See-Jane-Play last night so that I could go over all the information she needed to know for the new site. I'm hoping we can get a few new clients soon. It looks like everything is going well. I'm actually proud of myself that I've been writing a lot more lately. I've just been trying to make a concerted effort to write even if it's just a little bit. As always it makes me feel better. I've been getting frustrated more at work lately but I think I'm just going to hang in there for now and not make any rash decisions. Hopefully we will get some new help soon so that I don't have to be so bogged down with work. I'm really not enjoying what I'm doing right now either so that dosen't help either. I would love to be able to get up in the morning and actually look forward to going to work. Hopefully in a few years we'll be able to have enough business with JMRA that at least Mark and I can spin off. I did some updated of my website tonight as well. I know it's just a small site but I have to get that thing completely ported over to .NET one of these days. Since I'm not doing much programming at work anymore I really need to force myself to do these personal projects to keep my skill set up. I'm going to try and do some research on writing my own CMS system so that I don't have to hard code my pages like I've been doing. I mean I know I can put most of these pages into a database and dynamically create them, but I'd rather have a good foundation in place before I migrate to something like that. But enough of my Tekie talk. I think I should probably be getting to bed soon. I have to work a little earlier tomorrow so that I can get home with enought time to make it to the gym before we have to go up to Sarah's Promo party at Suede. Alright, I'm outta here.
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@HOME. I just got home from a client meeting and I'm a little tired. I was in such a foul mood today at work. Probably the result of my lack of sleep. We didn't get to bed until aound 1am since I decided to upgrade the mail server at 11pm. I don't know why I do this crap right before bed. I actually was looking online for jobs today. I don't know if it's just the fact that I hit a year and want a change or that I really can't stand what I'm doing. I've actually been thinking about going back to a consulting postion that would require travel. I'm sure I would think the travel sucked again, but I would make more money and at least I would most likely enjoy my job. I guess I'll give it some thought this week before I make any rash decisions. I have to get motivated to go to the gym tonight. I need to make up for all that junk I ate this weekend. Saturday was interesting. Justin and I drove out to the new community of Verado. We wanted to take a look around and see what all the hype was about. I have to say it was very beautiful out there and I really enjoyed spending a few hours looking at all the different houses. If it wasn't so far out I think I would seriously consider looking at housese there, however it's too far and I just don't want to be even farther away from the city then we are now. Hell I was just saying the other day that I want to move back into the city. I think the appeal of Verado was the fact that the community was based on a hometown "Main Street" concept. Very unique for Arizona, I have to give them a big A for effort. Well I better get off my lazy butt and get to the gym so I can look pretty.
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@WORK. So I'm thinking about actually leaving the office here shortly and going home to work for the rest of the day. It's so nice outside today. I think it's about 101 degrees outside but it dosen't feel all that hot. I went to lunch at the Hotel San Carlos in downtown Phoenix with Andrea and Don. Sitting outside really made me want to stay outside for the rest of the day. I really love going downtown and having lunch. It makes me feel like I'm in a real city again. I keep mentioning to Justin that I would like to live downtown again but I don't think he takes me seriously. I think the only way he would want to live in the city again is if we moved back to San Francisco. I don't really care, I just want to feel like a part of a city again, even if it's just Phoenix. I would really consider it if we could find a nice place to buy. There are so many up and coming areas in the downtown that I think it would be pretty cheap to find a property there that we could do something with. Maybe even an old house right in the Rosevelt Historical District. I'm not saying that we have to live in a tiny condo or apartment. I think living downtown would be good for us because we would be closer to the things we like to do and closer to the rest of the more urban community. As Andrea and I were walking downtown today I was thinking about how nice it would be to be able to live in a building there, come downstairs walk outside, cross the street and walk into your office. I think that is my dream to be able to live and work within a few blocks of each other. Don't get me wrong. I do enjoy suburban living at times, but I would much rather have the bulk of my time in a city itself. I think if you get tired of the city, you can always take a trip out to the country and get away from it. In my eyes there is always going to be something so appealing about living in a downtown area.
When I spoke with Philip the other day I was telling him that even thought it has crossed my mind to want to go back to San Francisco I know it wouldn't be the same. I think what I miss most about SF is the good friends and being in the city. I was thinking about how Justin and I used to just take walks around the neighborhood. Looking back I really enjoyed it. The only think I would have changed would have been the weather. Man if only San Francisco could have a warm summer. I swear why'd the queers have to pick such a cold city as the gay mecca. I'll never get it. Anyway I'm really looking forward to going back again this summer to visit.
I've been starting to read my technical texts again. I feel as if sometimes I'm getting a little rusty. It's really hard being in a technical field because there is always so much learning associated with it. I would love to have a career where I could just be successful without all of this constant learning. Alright I better get motivated here to finish up my stuff so that I can go home and relax a little bit. I think I'm going to try the Tai Chi class at the gym tonight. That should be interesting.
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@HOME. It's 1:42 pm and I just finished making a few changes to my website. I can't believe that I've had this site up for almost a year now and have made no major changes to it. That is a pretty rare accomplishment especially since my usually ADD kicks in and I have to redo the whole damn thing every few months. I makes me sad to read through some of my old postings because it brings back so many memories of San Francisco and my old friends. I guess I shouldn't be sad about it, I should rather be happen that I had the chance to have that experience. I know that no matter how much I would like to think that moving back to San Francisco would be a good thing, deep down so much has changed that it would never be the same. Justine and I have been here in Arizona now for over 2 years. That's longer then the entire time I spent in San Francisco. I finally am starting to feel like Phoenix is my home again, altogether ask me after the summer heat if I still feel the same way. I was looking at some photos yesterday from a website I found of a couple that lives in Central Phoenix. The photos were of the downtown view from the 20-something floor of their condo. It was amazing. I dream about having a place in a high-rise downtown with a view. I just really don't think I'm cut out for this surburban living. On another front Justin and I have been working out for about a week now at 24-hour. It's been really nice to get back to the gym and start to feel good again. I have to fix my body before we head out to San Francisco this summer. Lord knows I can't be going shirtless in the clubs looking like this. Hopefully an hour a night at the gym for the next 2 months will make the world of difference in that area. Since we joined the gym as a company, Mark and Andrea are also working out. It's fun having people to talk to at the gym. Sort of reminds me of the old days.
So last night after we worked out and cleaned up, the four of us went over to Applebees for the reverse happy hour. Nothing like going from workout to beer and fried-appetizers. You know we'd be eating it anyway so I guess that working out sort of negates that part. I'll just keep telling myself that so I can feel better about it. Actually we've been really good lately and haven't been drinking as much as normal. Hopefully it will stay that way for a while. Well I better get going here, the Berger is nudging my arm to get up and play with him. I better go.
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